Giving Up on Human Kindness

Giving Up on Human Kindness
H

hanginon

Registrant
I have posted before, sometimes with good responses, other times without any acknowledgement of my message. I am reluctant to type anything here anymore because it's the lack of response that will confirm how I am feeling these days.

I feel as if someone has put a curse on me. My life, once full of exotic adventures in far away lands and lots of attention in gay bars and on the street. I used to be a real hottie, but since I've been back in the United States (10 years now) I have experienced many changes in my life, my health, and my physical appearance.

Today, I live in the basement of a friends house with my dog. I have rejected my family in its entirety after struggling to be accepted by even on of my siblings. My parents are now close to 80 years old and I am angry with them for perpetuating the hate that I have experienced all of my life from my brothers and sister.

Granted they have come a long way since I came out of the closet when I was still in high school, but the phrase, "you will have a very lonely and difficult life as a gay man" rings true - especially since my parents have never done anything to try to ease that for me.

I look back at how much they have given (time and money) to my siblings because they have children and I feel really hurt. Not that I want them to give me their life's savings...but since my choices in life were different than what their lives are about, I feel punished, shunned, and left to my own miserable devices.

Last year, my parents 50th wedding anniversary was a reason for my parents to gather everyone for a 3-day cruise. Since one of my older brothers was my perpetrator and my most recent 6-year struggling relationship with a guy I love still ended because of my sexual addictions (I was really working at therapy and trying to get through the issues to save the relationship) - since my ex bf left me because of the anger inside of me...I could not bring myself to attend the "celebration" on the ship as I felt I would either throw my brother (perp) or my sister (complete homophobic bitch) or, worse yet, myself - overboard.

I am struggling so much now - more than ever before while I was being abandoned by a bf who claimed to love me.

I am all alone - my roommate is not an available resource because he is a stoic but stable force in my life. I can count on him for daily problems, but things as complicated as sexual abuse, family dysfunction, and other deep-seated feelings are not his forte.

I have no friends, no family, and I fear this holiday season will be my worst ever. I am a cultured guy with a huge emotional side but I cannot find even the most remote ray of hope in my heart to open up to anyone about this anymore.

I have been abandoned by friends, hurt or deceived by professional colleagues, all of which add to my general distrust of human kindness. I have always been a generous, loving person to others but after all these years (I am now 43) I cant think of anyone who has extended the same compassion or thoughtfulness that I so often extended to others.

It all adds up to more anger and hurt that one should have to cope with. To add insult to injury, I am based in a city for a job (Baltimore) and the rascism (blacks against whites) is palpable. Tomorrow, I am being put on trial for 2nd degree assault for something I simply did not do - a black mother and daughter are taking advantage of a situation and the fact that I am a white guy. I hope it goes well, but it all just adds up to feeling cursed by someone and always being victimized. (As a boy growing up, I was a "pretty boy" so I was always easily picked out of a crowd by the pervert of the day.

My life has been filled with a lot of great things, but since I returned to the United States (1995 - present) I have felt marginalized, ostracized, and out of place.

Please help me find some glimmer of hope. Given the way things are going in this country politically, I am contemplating another ex-patriot choice. There's nothing, no one special, and no reason for me to stay here.

Best to you all,
john
 
wow - i replied to this but it did not take

that is weird
 
john - keep reaching out -
and seek a moderator buddy -

to be a sounding board for daily
vicissitudes -

the holidays - alone can be an opportunity to
be creative -

i have spent a few alone - and this one i see it has the case too - but! - i plan to do my fav thing - sing (with church I guess this time) and also - take photos around Montreal - which is where I am treating myself- if I can)
I may write a draw - and just thank god I am alive!

and my seeking out different forms of joy
make me realize what it - holidays mean -

i think it is a space inside us - of peace and quiet - to share it - in falseness would be terrible -

to force it - again - a loss -

whether you have a holiday with someone or not

the hill ahead seems daunting from reading your
post -

but also
perhaps an opportunity to see -

and say

'wait - if this stuff is happening

maybe i can try a different solution'

i found my life has become smaller -
but really bigger - since falling apart -

peace -

markgreybloooooe
 
and don't forget -

people always are on here during the holidays

chatting and posting -
 
John,

I do sympathize with your difficulties, and I understand how you would feel alone and unwanted on so many fronts.

I would suggest trying not to take response to a post as a "vote" on you personally. There was a silly thread here awhile ago in which Mark told me my mailbox was full, and it spiralled on to over 40 responses! Another time I put up what I thought was a thoughtful commentary on a film, and it totally crashed and burned. It's a funny world.

On your other issues I would just comment on the problem of family. If you have come out to your family and they cannot accept you for who you are, then that is their problem, their bigotry, and their loss. You just have to rebuild a safe circle of caring people around you, and if this circle cannot include relatives, so be it. I am not saying that this won't hurt, just that you should avoid further hurt as much as you can. If you are no longer a "hottie", well, which of us stays the way we looked at 18? That's life, not failure. In any case, guys who want to be with you just because of your looks are probably not the safe sincere people you need around you now anyway.

The holiday season is difficult for many people who are alone, but I am sure you will find guys here to share and talk with. I know this won't solve everything or set your life back into order, but talking is surely a good way to start. Trust us, and we will be here for you.

Much love,
Larry
 
hangin there - hangin on
 
John,
You responded to my posting I think it was last week regrading "what did I do wrong?" I appreciated that you took the time and the advice you gave me. It does get frustrating dealing with CSA & being gay. Some families seem to accept but many do have difficulties with both aspects.
My parents are deceased but I have 2 brothers who live in the area and they have not called me about my plans for Thanksgiving. Unfortunately I am not holding my breath for either one to call me to invite me for dinner. (My father was my perp) I might get a call late in the day from maybe one of them wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving and asking what I did for the day. I do have 2 friends coming to visit plus my neighbors invited me to their house for dinner. I know this is difficult for us survivors to do that is to get out and make contact with people. Families seem to have so many issues they can't deal with us when we need their support. Keep working with your therapist and maybe he/she can give you suggestions of where in Baltimore to start with getting to meet some people who are decent, welcoming and accepting.

Peace,
Chuck
 
john - i hope you are feeling better today

sometimes in the passion of our angst we say things - that just are what our feelings make us feel like it is rather than what it is -

completely -

it's like being triggered and then going to the place in the past where it all felt so bad - and so now everything feels that absolutely bad -

it will get better - tomorrow is another day -

ps -

there is something you wrote -

I cant think of anyone who has extended

the same compassion or thoughtfulness

that I so often extended to others.

it's wild - but no one will ever give you the same exact thing that you give them

they will give what they can -
and sometimes - they can't give -
right at that time when you want -

it is just the nature of things -

instant gratification would be awesome but
not always possible -

anyway - take a look out for little ways that people are trying to give to you -

when i was alone - i was so upset -

but i kept on being nice -

and then suddenly realized - there were little things people were telling me in

THEIR OWN WAY - that they really liked me

or that they APPRECIATED ME -

it really was a new way of seeing - and
quite moving -

sometimes - we can only see what we are looking for - or wanting to see -

when in reality - well mostly - people each have their own way of giving - and when they give -

one may not see it as giving

but to the giver - it may have been a lot -

good luck and peace - be good to yourself

i hope you take care of yourself in a way that you would like to take care of someone -

or you wish you could be taken care of right now

all cared for and cozy and warm well fed and
safe clean and warm

m
 
and you get to be your own health care professional too - like - excercise et al..

m
 
It's been a while since I wrote on here (or at least wrote anything in depth). Hanginon, I feel your pain. It's a wonder sometimes how the things around us--be they the abuse or the discrimination against gays--may be affecting us. To see ourselves go through the same, repetitive behaviors (which we want to extinguish) or see ourselves be so especially hard on ourselves, one can wonder if this is 'natural' or if this is due to our 'unique' experiences. A little bit of both perhaps.

In the end though, I guess I think back to what got me on the path to healing and finding purpose in this world--what got me to stop the crying in agony realizing the unfairness of what I've been through. For me, at least, it is ultimately my faith.

As a teen, I realized I was abused and I started to really turn to my faith for help. As I got a little bit older, I started to realize and accept my sexuality--a very painful process with family and friends. Now, I think I am actively putting the pieces together. In many respects, I am thrilled, happy, and feel blessed--particularly because I am with someone whom I love so dearly and finally putting my life back on track.

How did I get there? Again, my faith. Just a year ago, I had been through some very rocky times, so uncertain of many, many things about myself, my career, my life. I questioned so much and railed against those who did not understand me, my pain. Still, with the help of thers, I was able to put things back together by believing that things WILL be put back together.

I guess if there's one thing I can advise you is to hang in there, and remember what got you to the happiest moments in your life...what got you back on track and on your road to healing. For me, it was my faith--and perhaps that works for you too. There's a lot of people you can turn to out there--this world is far too large and people far too many that can help.

Incidentally, if you want a list of "welcoming" congregations (which may eventually be helpful if you ever wish to deal with your discriminatory family), here's a good site...

https://www.christianlesbians.com/congregations/

One more thing...don't forget...if you agree with nothing else that I say, that in the end, success isn't never falling, but getting up everytime you do.

I think now's the time to do it : )
 
thank you all for your kind words; today is my trial and I am flabbergasted by the prospects of being found anything but innocent. if you all knew more about me, what i do for a living (i teach diversity to museum professionals!) - the mere accusation of prejudice on my part could mean my career is over. my (black) attorney insists that i have to "come out" during the trial because "black people know that gays aren't prejudiced"....and while I don't mind telling people I am gay, having that recorded in court leaves my very uneasy. In the this country, I think we are a few years away from a fascist totalitarian dictatorship. i know that things must get worse before they can get better, but this is more than a guy like me should have to endure.

wish me luck!
 
Hanginon,

I have to say that I am a bit concerned that your attorney would suggest that you should come out in court because "black people know that gays aren't prejudiced". The statement is very patronizing, to begin with, and I would wonder if the other side would not imemdiately object and have that testimony thrown out of evidence as irrelevant. Wouldn't that make you feel personally rejected?

Just a thought. In any case, hang in there today - we will be thinking of you!

Much love,
Larry
 
Sending lots of support and positive energy in your direction today, too.
Wow! Things are sometimes sooooo scary and dark and we just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. "What light?" "What fucking tunnel?"
I can't imagine how frightened and furious your situation would make me feel if I were in your shoes. But, my suggestion would be to take several deep breaths and try moving forward one step at a time. Let the brotherhood here be a frequent resource. Keep us posted and share your news about how you're doing.
Love, etc.,
p.s. I agree with Larry that your lawyer does seem to be a little odd, here.
 
As the hour approaches, I realize what a huge leap of faith I have to take - in humankindness right now - and as tears stream down my face, I also know this is the biggest challenge I will have to face.

I have been rejected by my own brothers, who deny me the right to see or know my nieces and nephews. My gay family has all died.

I will survive this, too. I am connected enough to pull strings from the Mayor's office, or even a US Senator, but I hate having my life sentence being reduced to my sexual orientation. Especially since I have been victimized as a child.

God, help me.

thanks for your support. i have nothing else right now.
 
NOT GUILTY! I have been vindicated...free at last. I can't begin to tell you how nerve racking the whole process was and my attorney is as upset about my case being tried as a waste of time. Baltimore is the #2 for crime, and my case (just a crazed racist black woman) against a respectible upstanding good citizen.

This is ridiculous, but I am so relieved that my fellow human being saw through the bullshit.

Now, I will work on a better job in a nicer city...say in Spain?

Thanks for your support, brothers.

I am at once lighter on the planet...
 
Hanginon,

That's great news. Congratulations. I'm glad it all worked out well in the end, but yes, that doesn't change the fact that you were put through a lot of torment.

Much love,
Larry
 
WHEW!!! So sorry you had to go through all that shit. So glad that it turned out well.
Still sending positive energy toward you for a few days for healing and recovery.
---
"Better job in a nicer city ... in Spain?" What a wild idea. Habla espanol? At least you still seem to have a vivid imagination and a sense of humor.
Congratualtions! Love, etc.
 
i am so glad -

jeez louise that is awesome -

*yay8!

ok - well - i hope you keep coming back -

and talking about what's going on!

be well -

mgb

time for my own post now !
 
hey - wow - talk of a nice christmas a solo

i became aware of this site -

i so became a day dreamy kid looking at these
ecards - the winter ones

this is great -


jacquielawson.com

super -

mgb
 
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