Giving up. I just don't care

[dcliff]

I think I'm giving up. I was suicidal this time last year. I'm suicidal again. Nothing changes. I have no joy. No support. My relationship is basically over. I don't blame her at all. I can't give her anything besides money. I'm asexual around her. She tells me I cry all the time. I don't resemble anything like a man. I'm broken. I just don't see the point. She just looks tired when I try to tell her how I feel. I can tell she's doing her best but is at a breaking point. I don't blame her at all. Honestly it's impressive that she stuck around almost 5 months of this.

I've spent over 10 years trying to get better. Spent 6 weeks in the hospital. My family won't talk to me because I told them the truth and asked for their support. They would rather support my oldest brother the abuser than be there for me.

I feel no joy. Just pain and emptiness. I can't even imagine a world where things are better. How do I move forward when I have given up all hope? I have no faith. No religion. Crisis services even just go through the motions. No one has any solutions for me. I can't see a future. Just a lifetime of pain, suffering, isolation.

Don't tell me suicide isn't the answer. What other choice do I have?

"Things get better." No they fucking don't.

"It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem." This problem has gone on for 30 years. Seems pretty fucking permanent to me.

"People would be sad that you're gone." Who? My friends? I don't have any. My family? They don't even talk to me now and have the emotional intelligence of a rock. I think they would be relieved because then they can play the victim for the rest of their lives and blame me.

"Your girlfriend would be devastated." She would be sad for awhile. But I bet she would secretly be relieved. And then she would move on. She would be okay. She would find a man that can actually look at her. Support her. Doesn't fucking cry all the time. Isn't a walking shell of a human. Can actually have sex with her.

I'm trapped in a hell that has no limits. It has no boundaries. The absence of life would be quiet. It would last forever. I'd be at peace.

I just don't care.

 

[Rick K]

Dear @dcliff,

I understand most if not all of your reasons for wanting the pain to stop.
I read what you wrote a few times and could relate to what you wrote and what you feel.
What I don’t know is your story. I understand your reasons, but it sounds like no one has heard you, truly heard your story after trying for over ten years to get better. I know what you plan and I hear your pain, but what happened to you? If you posted your story could you point me to it? Our stories are very important. All I know now is how your story will end. You deserve more. You deserve others who care, others who understand your feelings to hear what you endured. There are so many men here who understand. This place is different, with different souls than you find “out there”.

It was extremely brave to post this. I could have written much of it myself. I can’t stay on the line long enough to talk to a crisis counselor, let alone post my true feelings. You have shared so much pain, the worst pain possible, but I don’t know what happened exactly to get you to this point and decision. It’s none of my business, but I am asking for you to share to us or to me what happened, to tell your story here. I ask because I care. I want to know what was done to you to make you want to die. I know my personal reasons, but I also hope someone cares to ask me what caused my pain, just not seeing the final results of my pain.

I’m home sick today so I am available to listen, to hear what happened to you. Write me or message me. I want to know your story, because your story matters, and because I care, and many others here on this site care too.
Rick

 

[dcliff]

Dear @dcliff,

I understand most if not all of your reasons for wanting the pain to stop.
I read what you wrote a few times and could relate to what you wrote and what you feel.
What I don’t know is your story. I understand your reasons, but it sounds like no one has heard you, truly heard your story after trying for over ten years to get better. I know what you plan and I hear your pain, but what happened to you? If you posted your story could you point me to it? Our stories are very important. All I know now is how your story will end. You deserve more. You deserve others who care, others who understand your feelings to hear what you endured. There are so many men here who understand. This place is different, with different souls than you find “out there”.

It was extremely brave to post this. I could have written much of it myself. I can’t stay on the line long enough to talk to a crisis counselor, let alone post my true feelings. You have shared so much pain, the worst pain possible, but I don’t know what happened exactly to get you to this point and decision. It’s none of my business, but I am asking for you to share to us or to me what happened, to tell your story here. I ask because I care. I want to know what was done to you to make you want to die. I know my personal reasons, but I also hope someone cares to ask me what caused my pain, just not seeing the final results of my pain.

I’m home sick today so I am available to listen, to hear what happened to you. Write me or message me. I want to know your story, because your story matters, and because I care, and many others here on this site care too.
Rick

I grew up with a very abusive mother and a fairly fucked up home environment. My oldest brother start experimenting sexually with me when I was 7-8. I don't really remember my life before it and aside from the abuse don't remember much until about 16 or so. It really was fairly innocent because he was also a child. It should have been an easy intervention. Parents with basic awareness should have caught us or seen my behaviors of isolation and depression. Healthy kids don't play alone in the closet by themselves. Instead, we continued. It became more intense, more frequent, and eventually the routine was we would watch porn, I would get aroused, and then we would simulate sex or have oral. I know it happened many years before I hit puberty. I often initiated it because it was the only thing in my life that was consistent or felt good.

As we got older, it became more intense. When I learned to drive I would visit him out of town to initiate things. It eventually turned to anal sex (I received). Finally I moved away to college and it ended, but all my other issues came up. I was addicted to sex, couldn't navigate personal relationships, sought external validation as I never developed any self worth. I also carried such a deep shame within myself that I hid from everyone. I distracted my depression by drinking, pursuing women, and generally avoid staying sober.

It finally all came out when one of my good friends who was struggling with his sexuality decided to use me when I was blackout drunk and passed out. I think something anally happened but I don't remember. I remember coming to with his dick in my mouth. I pushed him away from me, told him he was likey brother (my first disclosure to anyone) and started crying uncontrollably. Honest to God, he looked at me and said "that's really fucked up," as if raping his best friend was just fine in comparison.

I was dating someone at the time that told me that she loved me. I finally came out to my therapist at the time ( I had been seeing him for awhile but it was surface level only). I eventually told my girlfriend. She left me shortly after that disclosure and decided to cope by banging all of my friends.

More therapy. Disclosed to my other family members. Was met with denial and anger (at me). Depression was severe. Lived in a wonderful community for a few years and actually felt okay for a bit. Then I left for graduate school because I thought that was necessary for me to have any self worth. Achieved three graduate degrees in 4 years. Still in the same city. I hate it. There's no community, I have no friends, and it's conservative and mental health solutions include putting people in the hospital and heavily medicating them so they don't cause problems. That pretty much takes me up to my previous post.

 

[Rick K]

Thank you for sharing all that. I’m really sorry for all you experienced.

I told you in my first response that I could have written your original post. We share much and I am wondering if you could or would answer a couple questions for me? I want to be straightforward with you. I don’t want you to die, but understand where you are. I have considered the same option. What you experienced is similar to what I am experienceing, and what many others on this site have experienced. You are in a very bad place, and I want to hear all you have to say because what you are explaining and feeling is helping me. That sounds so very selfish, but it’s truly not. I relate and that is so very rare for me. I hope you understand.

You talk of disclosing to family what happened. You told your story to them. How many years passed that you kept things a secret before disclosing to them? Was it done in person? Were you disbelieved straight away, or were they only angry at first? I ask because I disclosed to my mom and brother and was met with total silence. No response, not a sound or expression. I felt that was the worst, but now can see that being met with anger or disbelief would create more pain. I understand how that would hurt, and how deeply. My families silence left me wondering if they were angry, or if they disbelieved me. I imagined the worst, and their silence remains to this day, along with my fears of what it means.

You mentioned your mom and her very abusive traits. My mom was physically and emotionally abusive. Was your dad around? Was he there but absent? My dad was one of my abusers. He was also only in my life to abuse, never love or a hug. Never to learn from or play catch with.

You talked of therapy. Ten years worth. I am on year three and feel “done” at times. Did you have the same therapist all ten years? Was your therapist helpful in your mind, in other words, did you think he or she understood and heard you? Were you able to change therapists? You mentioned only surface level discussion with one therapist. Did you ever divulge your true pain to someone? I am wondering because I am now just beginning to share in-depth with my therapist my feelings. I have also experienced “surfacey” type therapy, and feel as if it made things worse.

I could ask a ton more questions. I understand you and can relate to not only where you are but reasons you gave for wanting the pain to end.

Are you able to see how your future was created when you were abused at the age of 7? The actions of your brother could have, as you stated, been easily stopped by an attentive parent. But the damage that was created was immense. The path that you (and others on this site) were then forced to follow created the hell you are feeling now. I am told that therapy is attempting to rewire my brain, away from the paths that abuse taught me. You have multiple degrees. I hope I do not disrespect your intelligence. I truly am trying to learn from you. What you are saying and feeling makes sense to me.

Is it okay to ask you more?

My heart hurts for you and for me. We are trying, and have tried for so long.
Rick

 

[dcliff]

You can ask all the questions you want.

My dad was there. My mom was just as much emotionally and verbally abusive to him as she was to me. In the last several months he has tried showing up for me but he doesn't really know what to do.

I disclosed 3 years or so after the abuse ended. Another source of immense shame - I let it go on until I left for college. I left out most of the details when I disclosed to my family.

It was only after I tried killing myself did I bring it up with my abuser. He admitted to it and actually seemed remorseful. He also looked relieved as his guilt was totally alleviated. Of course that was a 30 second conversation.

I just emailed everyone in my family last week, abuser included and asked them to acknowledge that it happened and support me because I needed their help. I didn't hide anything from them and told them about how my life has really looked and that I've had a sex and porn addiction and pushed away anyone that has ever cared for me because I don't believe worthy of love and that I hate myself. To my surprise he did actually reply to everyone. He said it was 100% consensual and that he hoped I could face the truth and my own accountability with it. It started when I was about 7 or 8.

In terms of therapists, I've had 4 very solid ones in the last 10 years. Most of them specializing in trauma. I've done just about every therapy out there.

It just doesn't get better.

 

[Rick K]

Things you say scream out at me. Unworthy of love. Hating ourselves. Addiction.

Being told that you are accountable and you were able to give consent at 7 or 8 would cause me to have a different kind of rage! As I said, I thought complete silence was bad, but being blamed for the actions of another, even him being a child himself, is a pathetic attempt at trying to rewrite history. His response makes me sick, I can only imagine the pain it has caused you. I’m very sorry that your attempt to disclose your feelings caused that response. You mentioned consciously “going back” to the abuser. So many here talk of doing that, myself included. My dad would never show me love, yet he would create feelings that made me feel incredible. The problem was he was grooming me in order for me to want more. I obliged and feel guilty to this day for seeking out the good feelings. He is gone now but he would probably tell me that I asked him to perform things, rather than him being responsible.

The word support is a trigger for me. Every book I read and every professional I talk to tells me that support is crucial to healing and recovery. I kept silent for over fifty years. I became convinced that my silence was not helping me and I decided to tell “friends” and family of the abuse I experienced. My friends disappeared. Or they now ignore or avoid me. Some do not understand how a guy can be abused and another even told me I was making it all up. My family was silent, my dad had already passed. If support was crucial to recovery, I was screwed. I was told I needed to give myself compassion. How do I do that? I hate myself! Like you said, I too feel unworthy of love. I can’t even accept a compliment! I don’t believe someone if they say a kind thing to me. So the things you say regarding support, or lack thereof, truly resonates with me. Being alone with this pain is hell. I have found people here on this site that understand. I have used them to hold on at times when I feel desperate.

You mentioned you spent 6 weeks in the hospital. I understand already that the experience was bad, and I wish so very much it had been helpful. I was abused at home and by doctors, beginning in elementary school. I am unable to ask nearly anyone for help, but it is impossible for me to ask a doctor for help. I at times want to go to a hospital, but cannot. Your experience is tragic, and I don’t even know all the details. You mentioned a suicide attempt and I assume the two are related? (Attempt and hospitalization?) I fear the hospital with all my being, but am told that is where I need to go if the ideation increases. There is no way in my mind that I could do that. I sense that you feel similar now?

My dad used religion against me. Again, I understand not having any faith or hope. As a kid I had faith. I prayed for the abuse to stop, it didn’t. I told my dad my prayers were not being answered. He told me that I was praying for the wrong things, not listening to the answers and not worthy of God‘s love anyways. I stopped trying. I’m sorry that you too do not have that avenue to turn to. I recently looked up a group at a local church that was being held for survivors of childhood abuse that had lost sight of God. The description sounded like me so I sent an inquiry that I was interested. They wrote back saying the group was only for women. That was potential support and religion lost in a single inquiry! Did you grow up with religion?

The response that you received that you were somehow accountable is disgusting. My red line concerning suicide was being mocked by friends as a child. If that happened, even now, I fear I would act. What you are dealing with is over the top. I am so very sorry he could not accept his role and allow you to heal just a bit, rather that slam you down. What others think of us and tell us can mean more to us than what we know and believe about ourselves. I hear pride when you speak of schooling and degrees, as you should be. You couldn’t put ten years of difficult work and effort into intense therapy without wanting to get better. I wish and hope I am capable of the same effort. You survived a hospitalization, where I fear I will kill my self before I ever go! If I was told I was responsible for the abuse, I too would feel as you do. You are being abused again, still. It’s easy to understand when you say it “just doesn’t get better”. I hear and understand that.

You also wrote of the things other people have said to you that to you are untrue, like your friends would be sad if you were to commit suicide, or your girlfriend would be sad. Being told that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem does not make sense when you correctly point out that 30 plus years of pain proves otherwise. One thing I would like to say that is truthful is that I would be sad. I see you in me. I know the depth of your pain and the feeling of the hopelessness. Deep down I wish and hope for an answer for you because then there may be an answer for me, for others. But I understand the despair. But also know the ones that are causing your extreme pain right now are the ones that caused this issue in the first place. They truly do not matter. They have worked only at destroying you. I hardly know you but I want you to live, and yes, I will be very sad and hurt if evil wins. I don’t know the answer for you or for myself, but I hope we find one in time.

I appreciate you allowing me to ask questions and the answers you have offered. You have helped me and I am very grateful.

Rick