Girlfriend of a survivor

[healinglove]

Hello everyone,

I am a new user and would like to get some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together now for almost two years and known each other for much longer. There has always been an issue with intimacy between the two of us. We both agree that sex is very important in the relationship but it hasn't happened. Up until yesterday I was under the impression it was due to a surgical procedure he needed. He had that procedure back in July 14 and there still has been no intimacy.

He finally sat me down to tell me that at age 6 he was sexually abused by a step-family member. I was sad and sickened by the idea that people can be so horrible. As I looked into his eyes, I felt powerless to help him. I have done a lot for him up to this point, unknowing that this is the real reason he is hesitant about things. We have been doing pre-marital counseling to help us get through some other issues and will continue going.

As a family member, significant other to a survivor...what is your advice? I'm conflicted by the fact that I don't if he will ever be able to give me what I am looking for in life...marriage and children. Has anyone been through a similar experience that could offer some support. I feel helpless and timid. I don't want to hurt him any further. I just don't know what to do. Can you give me advice on how to handle things. What I should say to him. How I can help him? I love him so much and I just can't imagine the thought of us not being together but I know that if he's unwilling to seek help, we won't last. :-(

Thanks!

M.

 

[Still]

...if he's unwilling to seek help, we won't last. :-(...

Hey M.

I'm very very sorry to read this about anyone...about yet one more boy's life scrambled into this....about one more relationship being put in jeopardy because of some selfish son of a bitch who had no self control and no regard for your Sig Other.

The quote above caught me eye, as I did not see it discussed in the post except for the last line. So lemme ask: Has he indicated that he does not want to, or will not seek help?

As for advice? I will give only this: Go to the bookstore section of this site and explore the options. IMO, the Laura Davis books are best for your situation. At a minimum, you need to avoid re-inventing the wheel. It will cost you too much relationship equity, and it will be a very short run.

 

[healinglove]

Thank you for your insight. We have been doing couples therapy but until last week I didn't know anything of abuse. We were in therapy because he has been hesitant to move forward and we haven't had sex yet, in almost 2 years of dating. He has different excuses for why that was happening but now that the truth is out...everything seems to fit. He wants to see an individual therapist and we are looking for one now but he's unsure it will work for him. I've been very patient with him even before this news. I love him and he's a wonderful person but he doesn't see himself the way I do. My main fear is that I want marriage and children and although he wants the same things...they terrify him and at this points he's not sure he can give me them. The trauma has just recently come back to him full force at age 42. Thank you for the advice I will certainly read those books.

Thanks,
M

 

[Still]

If he's up for it, I highly suggest Mike Lew's book "Victim No Longer." It was a life saver for me. But if he reads it, it needs to be done in very small increments. To the CSA survivor, the content of the book is mighty powerful and relevant. I was wondering how Mike Lew had followed me around all those years without me noticing him.

 

[healinglove]

Thank you so much, I will suggest to him to see if he's willing.

 

[concerned_husky]

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