Ghosts (TRIGGERS!)

Ghosts (TRIGGERS!)
S

survive75

Registrant
TRIGGER WARNING

I am freaking out. Freaking the fuck out. I had a total revisit to the panic I had as a kid tonight. Laying in bed, trying to escape. The one where I swore someone was looking at me from the doorway. The one where I turned and felt someone behind me. The one where I decided to imagine whatever scary, horrifying image to explain the fear.

When I was a kid, I believed in ghosts. I swore I heard them. I swore they were real. I was obsessed with the supernatural. ANYTHING that explained this fear. I know I am going to ramble, but the thoughts are coming so fast, and rather than lie in bed terrified, I figured I'd get up and write and be terrified.

I once heard a quote by Stephen King. He said that the supernatural (ghosts, sightings, etc.) was just the expression of family secrets. I remember hearing that and being totally fucking floored. (I am shaking so hard right now, trying to turn this fear off.)

So, tonight when I had a revisit from the "hide-behinds" and the devil in the doorway, I analyzed the fear underneath these extreme images. The only thing that ran through my head when I tried to calm my heart down and analyze it was "Don't get out of bed. Stay in bed." This always translated into total paralysis for me as a kid. Locked under my blankets, terrified to move. I don't even move when I sleep.

This is bringing up so much. I am so fucking jumpy. I feel like I'm going crazy and making sense out of things all at once. I spent my entire childhood being afraid of the dark, of things that I saw in movies, of things that I imagined. And I realize, that deep down, it was just a way to make sense out of the paralyzing fear that gripped me for which I had no explanation. It was easier for me as a 4, 8, 12 year old to put a face (ghost, horror movie, etc.) to this fear than to face what it really was. I still don't know completely what happened to me... is something coming up now?

Are these revisits to these images and fears a way of protecting me once again from what really lies beneath them? Years and years of pushing away the truth? Years of burying more and more family secrets?
 
Sean,
For a long time, I guess you could say I was visited by ghosts. Early on, I didn't know who these "unwelcomed visitors" were or what they wanted. Then I finally became aware that they were my father and so in the middle of the night, I would be awakened to the feeling of someone watching me which is what he used to do to me as a kid.

I got to a point one night that I woke up in the middle of the night and could almost see my father standing at the foot of my bed. It was just like he was there and yet he didnt' know where I lived and he lived 1400 miles away. I began to yell violently for him to get the "bleep" out of there. I think I actually woke neighbors up but I was so angry that night and I unleashed all that anger on this image of him that I would see. You see, I often woke up in the middle of the night feeling as if someone had just hit me or slapped me in the head/mouth. In fact my face would be swollen and I would literally have to put ice on it. I'm not making any of this up! It actually happened to me on frequent occasions.

After I went through the yelling thing, it left me alone. I still struggle with the anxiety that something will come around, but it is much better than it once was.

I'm not sure if this helps or not, but I thought I should share it with you. And for a long time, I slept with plenty of lights on (in fact at one time, I slept with every light on in my place). It was the only way I could get some sleep.

Don
 
These dreams are probabley about a lot of different things in your life, but you are likely right that they apply to childhood fears. You are the best person to analize the meaning of your dreams.

This may not do much good for you, but there are a couple of methods for dealing effectivly dealing with dream monsters and "ghosts" from the real past that show up in our sleep.

I have found it helpful to visualize, while awake, those persons from the past who still torment me in my sleep. While forming as clear a picture of them in your mind as possible, speak to them out loud. Tell them what you feel, and be emotionally engaged. Scream and holler if it comes natural. When you are done, tell them to go away, leave you alone, and never come back. This method of connecting consiously with your unconsious mind can be very effective at driving off the demonds.

A second method is: When you wake up from such a dream, immeditly begin reciting a mantra, doesn't really matter what, just as very short phrase repeated over and over. While donig this, visualize returning to the dream with some sort of effective method of protection. Sometimes this makes it possible to beat the ghosts in their own country.

Anyway, both methods have worked for me on several occasions. Good luck!

Aden
 
Don't know whether I can help, but I remember going thru the same nightmares, time has helped me, and I don't know the time frame between your abuse and today.

Yes the nightmares and feelings of being watched and never alone are terrifying, but you are not going crazy, we all think that when it happens, by the way I am not here to give advice, as Aden said and I remember as a little boy lying in bed and telling them to go away, telling them that they don't frighten me even though they scared the shit, then I felt "protected" and would probably have a decent nights' sleep, but that was when I was a kid.

Try and write down to yourself as much as you can, what was in the nightmare?, and try to analyse it, try and form a protection from going there again and being frightened, tell yourself that it is a nightmare and you are protected when you go back, it may work, or the nightmare may change, but your mind needs to be aware of the protection you have now, the adult can protect the child now, nothing can hurt "me" in the nightmares

We have all had these nightmares, some more terrifying than others, maybe it is the mind confronting this shit, but we can all remember the terror they bring into the night, but they have to be addressed

I don't want to address my nightmares here, but it may form a topic one day in this group where we probably find there is a link in all the nightmares that follow abuse, I know it was a hard thing to get over, and nobody knows the nightmares this group has been through

Not giving advice, but hope you find a way out

PM me if you need to

take care

ste
 
Nightmares and night terrors certainly seem a common thing amongst us, and the horror of suddenly waking from one is hard to explain, and harder to live with on a regular basis.

A lady I know told me the other day about a hypnotherapist that has stopped her smoking, I'm going shortly. And she also said that this guy had stopped three of her friends smoking as well.
She has no trouble at all after smoking heavily for over 30 years, so she's impressed with this guy.

But, she also told me that she suffered from terrible night terrors until about 10 years back. They were so bad she threw herself out of bed, struck her husband, and woke neighbours with her screaming. ( I don't know the background that might have caused the terrors, but she did say she had suffered 1 or 2 a week for about 20 years )
So she went to her doctor, who had just started to do hypnotherapy, ( not the same guy ) and they decided to try it to help her terrors. She hasn't had one attack since.

I have to say this is my only experience of hypnosis, although a local dentist actually pulls teeth using hypnosis rather than regular anesthetics. So I have a very open mind towards hypnosis, but maybe it's something that only works for those that are suitable to it ?
I will talk to her some more and see what turns up.

Something a couple of guys have mentioned here made me think about the rituals some kids have before they go to sleep, to protect them from them 'bogey men'
I developed a ritual when I was about 11yo, the time my abuse started.
Obviously any ritual I used had to be very subtle, a boarding school dormitory wasn't the place for obvious ones, so I just would sit on both sides of the bed and hook my legs under the bed as far as they could reach to ensure that there wasn't anything under the bed. Then I would climb in.
I was also very reassured by the dormitory doors being left partly open and some corridor lights being left on outside - so the night staff could keep an eye on us. At least the abuse didn't happen in the dorm's!
But that carried on at home in the holidays, and to this day I hate having the bedroom door closed, although I dont need a light on. Hotel rooms or staying at friends houses is still difficult, so I usually leave the curtains ( drapes ) partly open.

The thing that struck me however was Aden's suggestion of talking and hollering at the 'ghosts' while awake, and before the terrors strike.
Is this an 'adult ritual' that is a natural progression from the childhood ones we left behind?
Maybe we lost a defense / coping stratergy when we abandoned our childhood rituals and became men, and maybe they work ?

Dave
 
I should have been more clear, but as you can tell from the original post, I wasn't exactly in a good frame of mind last night.

Although I have suffered intensely from what you all have described - night terrors and nightmares - last night was the awake version of nightmares. I am completely and totally awake - not night terrors where you are still lingering in the subconscious - and I swear I see things out of the corner of my eye, imagine someone behind me, or to use my grandmother's dismissive tone: "letting my imagination run wild."

What I was trying to get to the root of in my rambling was that as a child and teen (and even an adult) I have used the supernatural or other fearful images (my imagination) to put a face to the terror I felt within me. In order to deal with the abuse and SA from my stepfather, my mind latched onto or created images that were even MORE terrifying, even MORE unknown, than the fear I felt because of him. However, in protecting me, my mind essentially created a new layer of fear based on these "silly" things that grip me. I don't think I am making sense - my mind is racing.

THIS IS A MAJOR REVELATION FOR ME. I am actually excited to address it in therapy, and I have been dreading therapy lately.

So out of the sheer terror (and three hours of sleep) of last night, a new discovery came and potential healing is ahead of me. As always proven right, my favorite quote:
"One cannot reach the dawn, save by the path of night."
 
Just in case your curious, the two methods of dream control that I mentioned a Raja Yoga mind exercises and have been around about 5000 years. That doesn't make them any more valid than modern pop psycho-tech. Just FYI

Aden
 
I used to see things, too, while awake. Both as a kid and an adult. I guess you could label these things under the umbrella of "psychic" sort of stuff.

I have heard that this type of experience, and also out-of-body experiences, are not uncommon for abuse victims. It is as if the abuse shakes you out of normal reality a little bit; and being fully in your body is too painful.

I was always terrified of the dark. Fortunately over the course of years of therapy during my 30's, this fear melted away completely. My therapist and I never talked about darkness fear very much specifically - it just seemed to go away as a by-product of processing my stuff.

I hope that this helps to give you a some hope,

Howard
 
Originally posted by Howster:
It is as if the abuse shakes you out of normal reality a little bit; and being fully in your body is too painful.

I was always terrified of the dark. Fortunately over the course of years of therapy during my 30's, this fear melted away completely. My therapist and I never talked about darkness fear very much specifically - it just seemed to go away as a by-product of processing my stuff.
Click to expand...
Yes, being in my body is something that definately terrifies me. And the fear of the dark gripped me (and still does at times) until I started to process this stuff. Like you, I never worked on it specifically. I know that it is just a symptom and disappeared quite a bit once I started working on the underlying causes.

Thank you all for replying. Still jumpy as fuck, but doing better. Thanks for understanding.
 
Sean,

I have had night terrors as long as I can remember. I know my father was the source, originally. Now, well, choose something.

I still sleep with a light on, usually in bathroom or hall, so it is not to bright. And I sleep with fan on, even in winter, for the noise and the air, or sometime I will feel I am choking. Sometime, if I am panic feeling, I will sleep on the floor, or even closet. Whatever feel safest.

I hope that you are able to get past this and feel more safe soon. Good luck.

leosha
 
I remember the nightmare coming every night, waking in a sweat, night terrors they should be called, the same nightmare with no let up, waking my brothers with the screams, learning to go to bed and avoiding sleeping so that my brothers could have a good nights sleep, too terrified to close my eyes, eventually tiredness takes over, and the nightmare wakes you screaming again.

Always the the same nightmare, too terrified to go to the toilet, in case these ghosts push me down the stairs, who were the ghosts? To a kid they are real, imagining even in the darkness of ghosts all around, on the ceiling, on the walls, more powerful than me, sometimes not being able to face them. I always remember asking my brothers to leave the bedroom door open so I did not have to open it to go to the toilet, but because of the cold it was always shut.

To actually get to that door and open it was so terrifying to me, but they didn't realise this when they shut the door, even though I pleaded for them not to do it, sometimes I could never get beyond the door, the door had a lot of significance in my memory of the abuse.

I remember getting over the initial nightmare by screaming at the ghosts to go away, eventually the nightmare went away, my family thought I was mad screaming to things they could not see.

It's like satan taking over and saying to the little boy "come with me you have been chosen and indoctrinated into my kingdom, you have met my kind and I want you to be my disciple".

I chose to leave and seek better friends

love and peace

ste
 
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