Getting too close
ForeverFighting
Registrant
I just had an observation. All of a sudden I was getting freaked out and had thoughts I didn't like, and I couldn't figure out why. I read some posts here but couldn't write anything. Yesterday I wrote all over the place. What happened? What changed? So I looked back over my day and I found it. I felt like somebody got too close.
It amazes me how the old thinking is still so easy to access subconsciously. I had a good heart-to-heart talk with a friend, and next thing you know, I'm pulling back. I'm still afraid. And you know what I thought? I thought, I'm going to get into trouble if I do this. Like a little kid trying to hide something from his mom. The reality is I just talked with a friend. The imaginary is that he tricked me into opening myself up to him so he can hurt me.
What a betrayal SA is. For me, my uncle drew me in. Was he pretending he liked me and that he had fun with the kids? I found out later that he told my parents that we kids were always bothering him. It didn't feel like that. So what is the truth? It's like as a kid I had to be a mindreader to know what these sick people were really thinking. Nothing could be taken on face value.
So today, the face value is that this friend cares about me and we have a lot in common. But the mind-reading child looks for any sign that this may be fake. He may be using me. He's going to get me in trouble or hurt me. The reality is that nothing could be further from the truth. But we're trained like animals that have been kicked and beaten too many times.
I think what I miss most is being able to trust people.
It amazes me how the old thinking is still so easy to access subconsciously. I had a good heart-to-heart talk with a friend, and next thing you know, I'm pulling back. I'm still afraid. And you know what I thought? I thought, I'm going to get into trouble if I do this. Like a little kid trying to hide something from his mom. The reality is I just talked with a friend. The imaginary is that he tricked me into opening myself up to him so he can hurt me.
What a betrayal SA is. For me, my uncle drew me in. Was he pretending he liked me and that he had fun with the kids? I found out later that he told my parents that we kids were always bothering him. It didn't feel like that. So what is the truth? It's like as a kid I had to be a mindreader to know what these sick people were really thinking. Nothing could be taken on face value.
So today, the face value is that this friend cares about me and we have a lot in common. But the mind-reading child looks for any sign that this may be fake. He may be using me. He's going to get me in trouble or hurt me. The reality is that nothing could be further from the truth. But we're trained like animals that have been kicked and beaten too many times.
I think what I miss most is being able to trust people.