Getting through rough patches

[jalcnlmcl2003]

The last few days have been rough (to say the least). I'm dealing with Anger that is like nothing I've ever known. Usually, I would turn it on me, putting myself in dangerous situations, doing stupid things like driving with my eyes closed (yeah, that one was bright).

The last few days have been particularly difficult, because I'm NOT acting out. I'm fighting to stay out of that place I've gone to for comfort and escape, and I feel like I'm losing. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I broke down and called my mother today. She was my primary (and current) emotional abuser. Possibly sexual as well. I just needed to be comforted, but didn't get what I needed. It turned into a pretty crappy experience.

I'm feeling burned out and lost. Any suggestions on getting through this? Really questioning my resolve. I'm seeing a new T every week, as well as the old one once a month, and I'm still taking the zoloft. Just not feeling real great, and it's gone on for over a week now.

I saw happiness a couple weeks back, and I know it exists. I just want to be there more often.

 

[jwh]

I can totally relate to what you're talking about. The rage is overwhelming. Also, it's natural that you are going to feel more when you're not acting out. That can sort of feel like a terrible irony, like, okay, I'm finally trying to take care of myself and I feel worse!

Have you read Mike Lew's "Victims No More" or "The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis? Those are fantastic resources for various things including offering exercises to help process some of those feelings. Also, have you checked around to see if there are any groups for male survivors somewhat close to you? That has been the most helpful for me. Also, be sure that any therapist you are seeing understands these issues--many don't and will just try to teach you cognitive restructuring without dealing with the feelings that underlie the acting out behaviors.

Hope maybe this helps some.

Jeff

 

[Marc]

Rage... AUUUUUUUUUUGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

F*ck the world... what about me? I'm a human being too!!!!

First let it out as much as possible. It doesn't have to be constructive just not destructive. More importantly, it doesn't have to be 'self'-destructive.

Suppressing the anger does absolutely no good.

Remember you are who you are... NO one can EVER change that. You are you alone.

All better now? Well, able to deal? That is what is more important.

Amazing isn't it? Sometimes we never really know or understand what is inside of us until it truly rears it's ugly head.

You are here for another day. Let that be your guide. Realize that there is a part of you that still wants to fight. That is what is prompting the anger. Move on from it. Start trying to figure out what 'dipped' you into that poison yet again. And then continue on your journey to self recovery. remember that you are doing ALL of this for you. So that you can share yourself with others. Because you know that is what you really want to do. You don't want to be a sh%t head. You just want to get past the pain. That is NOT a bad thing.

 

[Wuamei]

Jac:

Anger, about my abuse, but sometimes directed at or triggered by other things, has been a problem for me too. What helps me is acknowledging that I am angry & that I should be angry. SA is something to be angry about; if I weren't then I'd really be worried about myself. At the same time I'm trying to learn how to properly channel that anger by instead of acting out acting in advocacy & support on behalf of my fellow survivors as I act for my own recovery. Easier said than done but working on it. So are you & you'll make progress with it too.

Tried to renew relationship with my mother aka perp #1 a few years ago. Utter disaster & have indefinitely broken all contact. Thats just me but I relate to you on this.

BTW I take Zoloft too. Don't like doing it but I don't like it even more when I don't take it.

Its good you're taking meds, seeing T, doing things to help yourself. It's hard to keep at it sometimes. Haven't seen my T in awhile, tho due to a recent accident. Things happen.

Keep at it & take care of yourself.

Victor

 

[Leosha]

I know that I can not be of help at you, I do not feel very much anger right now. I feel anger at myself, and embarrassed and shameful at myself. I feel some anger at those people who know what this man is like and what things he do that they can see, and people look other way than try to stop him. It sounds like you do the right things to deal with it, I do not know what to say to do that. I think it is good that you see happiness before, and you will get that back, it is not gone forever. I think it is more scarey if you do not ever feel that happiness. I will think of you.

Leosha