Getting the story out

Getting the story out
G

gords

Registrant
I am new to this whole bulliten board business so please excuse me if I do anything incorrectly. I am a male victim who has not quite made it to the survivor stage yet. I am almost ready to tell my story to the world but I have not yet told my children (aged 14 and 11 both girls) what happened to me. I am afraid that if I start telling my story it will get back to them and they will be mad that I did not tell them myself.

How do I tell them? When is the best time? How will they react? How much do I tell them? These are just a few of the questions that I have. If anyone can help and give some guidance it would be greatly appreciated.
 
Hi....Im sorry that u need this sight. As for telling your girls I wish I had some wisdom to give you but I dont. My wife told my kids when I had to go to the hospital, she didnt tell any gory details just told them "matter of fact". Then when they come to me I try my best to answer the questions they have. It's not easy to talk to anyone about my abuse......EXPECILY....my kids. I hope this helps, and good luck.
James
 
I'd advise against telling them,gords. Wait'll they're more mature. Like in their 20s. Right now they're just kids. They don't need the mental baggage.
 
thanks James. i have been lucky. I have been able to hide it from the girls for quite a while. Unfortunatley I somtimes take out my pain and anger on them and yell and expect too much of them. Maybe if they knew it would help them to understand. i am not sure about Tinfoil's reponse. I do not want them to find out from someone else.
I somtimes wonder if I desrve to feel the way that I do. When I hear other stories it saddens me that so many people have gone through hell and yet I haven't been in a hospital over this, taken drugs or resorted to alcohol. Am I lucky? I think that maybe if I had I would be believed more that this actually happened. As it is now, the people that I have told can't believe that this has happened because I have hidden it so well and turned out "all right" as they see it. I have never tried to commit suicide and I do not think it is an answer. I don't want HIM to win.
I am so confused at times that I do not know what to do or where to turn.
 
Hi gords. If you tell your daughters you might not get the reaction you want. Maybe they'll sympathize with you. Or they could view you as a threatening fucked up freak. Probably the latter.
I've seen a lot of posts like your's at survivor sites over the years. Always the same. There's an adult male,he's got little girl daughters and asks other members at the site if he should spring his alleged molestation-experience on them. If you're really a father and these are your biological preteen & teen daughters are you REALLY going to drop this in their laps? Why in hell would you make your problems their problems? Wait'll your daughters are 35 years old. Tell them then. They'll be capable of putting it in perspective.
 
gords,

What good would it do for your daughters to know that you were abused? With both of my daughters I've always thought that bringing them up to be strong, independent individuals who could protect themselves would help them and hopefully keep them from being abused themselves. I've got a pretty good dialog with my younger teenage daughter but all I've told her is that I had a rough childhood/adolescense and left it at that. I did tell my oldest daughter when she was about 25 or so. I only told her then because my wife and I were having a lot of problems at the time and I felt that I had to explain myself to her. She hasn't mentioned it since that day and I never went in to any depth with her about it. Both of my daughters know that I'm seeing a therapist. Kids are very perceptive, they probably know that something is really bothering you. If you give them the barest information that you had some problems when you were younger and that you are dealing with them now, that might be enough to satisfy their curiosity for now. The knowledge that a parent was abused is a heavy burden to place on a young person and to my way of thinking there is nothing that they could do to help or to change things.

Steve
 
HI GORDS....GLAD THAT YOU FOUND THIS SITE, BUT SAD YOU NEED IT. I'M 54 AND A SURVIVOR OF QUITE A FEW ABUSERS WHEN I WAS JUST A LAD. I DO AGREE WITH TINFOIL, YOU SHOULDN'T TELL YOUR DAUGHTERS YET! THEY WILL HAVE HARDLY RECOLETION OF WHAT YOU HAD TOLD THEM WHEN THEY ARE THAT YOUNG.

HOWEVER, IF YOU WAIT UNTIL THEY HAVE AN ADULT REASONING, THEY WILL UNDERSTAND, AND HAVE READ AND HEARD, ABOUT THIS AWFUL SUBJECT AND WILL HAVE A EASIER TIME COMPREHENDING YOUR UNFORTUNATE ABUSE.

DON'T LET YOURSELF FEEL THAT IF YOU DON'T TELL THEM, SOMEONE ELSE MIGHT. SO WHAT!! IF AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS, THEN YOU COULD TELL THEM AS MUCH AS THEIR IMMATURE MINDS COULD ABSORB.BUT IF YOU TELL THEM NOW, I FEEL YOU COULD COMPROMISE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM. BELIEVE, THEY WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND RIGHT NOW. THEY MIGHT EVEN FEEL HOSTILE TOWARDS YOU. YOU REMEMBER HOW YOU FELT AS A KID, WHEN YOU HEARD SOMETHING ABOUT SOMEONE,AND DIDN'T UNDERSTAND. REMEMBER HOW YOU TOOK THE "OTHER GUYS" SIDE? THINK BACK....

DON'T DESTROY YOUR 'FATHERLY GOODNESS" WITH STORIES THAT COULD POSSIBLY GIVE THEM NIGHTMARES AND PAIN FOR YOU. AFTERALL, LITTLE GIRLS CHERISH THERE DADS AND THIS WILL BE A VERY PAINFUL THING YOU ARE ABOUT TO TELL THEM, FOR ALL FOUR OF YOU!

I HAVE A 30 YEAR DAUGHTER AND A 3 YEAR OLD GRAND DAUGHTER, AND I HAD TO TELL HER ABOUT THE ABUSE I WENT THRU. IT TOOK ME ALL MOST A MONTH BEFORE WE COULD TALK ABOUT IT OR EVEN TALK PERIOD!

WHEN WE FINALLY TALKED IN A MONTH, SHE WAS SHOCKED, HORRIFIED AND HURT ASKING WHY I DIDN'T TELL HER SOONER. DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SAID THEN>>>>>? "I KNOW NOW WHY YOU DIDN'T TELL ME SOONER: I WOULDN'T HAVE UNDERSTOOD!" " THANKS FOR KEEPING MY CHILDHOOD WHOLESOME!!"

GORDS, THIS IS YOUR DESITION. YOU AND YOUR WIFE. I ONLY TOLD YOU WHAT I WENT THRU. I'M GLAD I WAITED.

GOOD LUCK GORDS< I REALLY MEAN IT!

SLEEP WELL TONIGHT.....SCOT
 
It's rough enough just telling adults of the childhood molestation you endured. During the mid 80s I lived in Idledale,Colorado. It's a little dipshit town in the Rockies out in the middle of nowhere. I told a couple that lived next door to my cabin on Bear Creek what had happened to me. The Wife responded with stern facial expression "Can I trust you around my kids?". Tinfoil responded as nicely as possible. But I was thinking "Hey fuck you you dumb bitch". I got shot in the foot at age 15 with a .22 Long Rifle slug. The aftermath hurt like holy hell. I did'nt grow up thinking it'd be cool to blast someone. Same goes for childhood molestation. It's not something you'd want to repeat on others. All the politically correct artsy fartsy bullshit we're seeing nowadays about child victims somehow automatically evolving into adult predators is crap.
 
Hi Gords I can tell you that it never easey to tell you kids but think it must be done to help you relationship with them. Kids can tell that you are going through bad times and it,s better you tell them now. My girl was 12 back in the early 90,s when all this shit about the Chruch started hitting the papers, I didn.t tell my wife or daughter just keep it all in . Many times I would take my shit out on them for no reason. Sounds like you are doing that same thing. Don,t let them think you are an asshole for no Reason, tell them what is going on deep inside and they will understand, and support you. My girl got to the point of hating me . If I could do it over I for sure would of told her 10 years ago rather than 4 weeks ago. Don,t tell them all the facts but let them know what your pain is about, Be sure to tell them both at the same time and some where that you feel safe at. They love you and will feel you pain which is much better then them wondering why you so messed up. Sounds like you have your life together in other ways, your not a drugie or alcie , and this would be great start at taken back your life. Muldoon
 
I have three boys, aged 11, 9 and 5. I have thought long and hard about telling them about my abuse. I've talked to my wife about this, and we agree that this is not the right time. If for some reason, I end up public with it (my perpetrator is an ex-priest, and lives in my hometown) I will tell them some very basic stuff, before they hear about it from their friends or their friends parents. Until then, I am very overprotective of them, I know the who, what, where, when, how, and why about most everything they are up do and especially the who part. They have asked me why I am so sad when they caught me crying one night. I simply explained to them that Daddy was feeling really sad right then, but I would be ok after a good night's sleep, which they should get for themselves too. They hugged me and asked me to read them a story before bed. The next day came, and they didn't remember a thing. I have enough trouble dealing with this luggage (I might lose it for a while, but it always catches up to me) I don't need to dump it on the kids. It's my luggage, I'll be fine carrying it alone for now, and if I need help, I'll ask my wife, or my Mom, both of whom I am very grateful (they support me 100%, so far...) Stay well, be well.
 
It's important for an individual to ascertain whether he wants to lay his story on his son or daughter to benefit the kid or himself. There's a difference.
 
A trustworthy person to ask about what's been posted here is Julie Posey. I'd trust her with my life. She'll give good advice.
https://www.pedowatch.org/pedowatch/press.htm
 
....AND IT IS JUST AS IMPORTANT TO ASCERTAIN IF THOSE "CHILDREN" COULD POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HECH GORDS WOULD BE TRYING TO TELL THEM!NO CHILD SHOULD BE TOLD THAT KIND OF INFO! IN THIS CASE, IT WOULD BE DETRIMENTLE!

THINK ABOUT IT, RATIONALLY!!!

ORODO IS RIGHT, WHEN HE SAID 'TELL THEM YOU JUST FEEL BAD AND YOU WILL FEEL BETTER IN THE AM'.

WHY TORTURE THE YOUNG WITH THINGS LIKE THAT?

THEN WE ARE ECCENTIALLY DOING THE SAME THINGS TO THEM THAT HAVE BEEN DONE TO US......OMLY THAT WE WERE PHYSICALLY ABUSED!!!

DON'T MAKE THEM SAD..THEY WILL HAVE PLENTY OF THAT STUFF WHEN THEY GROW UP!
 
GORDS...WHO KNOWS YOUR CHILDREN BETTER THAN YOU AND YOUR WIFE?

LET THEM REMAIN INNOCENT. ...DON'T LET THEM BARE YOUR SORROWS. NOT YET...WAIT!
 
I'll be banned from NOMSV as I have at other survivor sites for saying this. Survivor sites attract not only survivors but a shitload of predators. The predators post wierd bullshit scenarios and get off on the response. Makes them feel superior. Predators,pedos & boylovers,get their rocks off thinking themselves superior to their victims. They post bullshit at survivor sites and laughingly masturbate to the responses. These are gutless pathetic little fucks. They hide in cyberspace playing their little games. They go to survivor sites and fuck with the victims. They think you're stupid. They've got you tagged as having been molested once you're vulnerable to being fucked again. In the real world should you and one of these sick fucks meet face to face you'd backhand him and he'd start whimpering for his mommy. These guys are only brave hiding behind their computers.
 
Gords
I'm glad I dont have your dillema although I do have a similar one.
My parents are well in their 80's and know nothing about the abuse I suffered at boarding school. I've taken the decision not to tell them, my mother is in the early stages of dementia and my dad can barely cope, so I think it would destroy them. The only problem is that it leaves things open ended for me. When they're gone there will be so many unanswered questions that I will have to deal with. But that's my problem.
It's not the same as your problem I know, but I mention it because I think you must be the one to tell them, or their mother. I keep my history pretty discreet so word doesn't get back to my parents, which is also very hard. To hear rumours and gossip from strangers can't be the right way for loved ones to hear such news.
But it's hard not to agree with the other guys who say leave it a while until they understand better.
The choice is a rock and a hard place, but girls that age can surprise you sometimes.
Maybe you'll just know when the moment is right. I hope so.
Lloydy
 
Ofcourse you know your girls better than any of us do. For me it was hard to hide from my kids, daddy went to the hospital. Now keep in mind I have never told them any gory details. I guess I take the same approch as talking to any kid about sex....give them as much info as they want. I think it would be much better hearing it from you or mom. I understand totaly about the yelling and getting mad, I do the same thing. Just remember it is your disicion you know your kids. And remember you are not alone with this. We are all brothers here.
James
 
Hi Lloydy. My mother came down with breast cancer at age 80 in 1993. I returned to the family house,nursed her thru it all. A month before she died we sat in the huge livingroom of our old family ranch house with it's magnificant beamed redwood ceiling structure,drinking gin & tonics. Mom said to me,drunk "Did I really masturbate you?". She was looking for forgiveness. I replied "Yes you did,mom". Silence ensued for awhile. Then she responded with voice filled with vitriol like a housecat spitting "Well if I did I'm sorry". And so 1958 to 1993 comes to comes to exactly 35 years. Thirty five years of living in Hell and I get this response. It was'nt much. But it was something. Mom died on September 4th,1994. I inherited the $500,000 dollar property. For months afterward doors would open and slam shut of their own accord. Mom was still here. One day after a door suddenly opened,no wind present,I said loudly "You're dead,mom. Go to ****ing hell. **** you for what you did to me". That ended the doors opening & closing. She's gone now. I have not physically touched another human ever since 1994. The hurt has ended.
 
Gordy,
I can understand your wanting them to hear it from you and not off the street. I faced a simular delema. It is nothing for me to have a couple survivor books sitting on my desk, or a few by my bed, or where ever so I am able to read when I get the chance. My 8 year old daughter saw the title of one of my books and asked me what it meant. How I expalined is something like this. I let her know that I didn't want her reading any of the books. she knows that there are stories in them that are meant for adults only. And I asked her if she remembers our talk about strangers and bad people, and what those bad people do to sometimes young children. She answered yes. I explained that the reason I have always acted very protective over her when it came to other people is that when I was a young boy things happened to me that weren't right. and that even though now things are going well, I still read about abuse and work hard to protect others, because it is the right thing to do.
I believe no one knows your children better than you. You are able to say if they are mature enough to handle some information. details maybe not but I feel as soon as they are old enough to understand and not feel bad about it. I would let them know, just enough so they know why you feel the way you do, not enough to get them scared.
 
Thanks guys for all of your input. Although I am still unsure of what to do I think I'll wait for awhile. I do know my kids best and I believe that they can handle it but i am thinking now that maybe they don't need to know.
My therapist say I am still having trouble with authority. I am always looking for someone else to make the hard decisions for me. I couldn't even make up my mind about calling the CAS on my abuser to ensure his son was safe. (My therapist made that decision for me). I guess I am in the dilema again; wishing that someone would make the decision for me. It is a hard thing to do. Thinking that I have have the ability to make decisions. I still feel that I am a child and need permission to do anything.
Anyway thanks for all the advice. For now I am going to wait. Who needs to hear what happened to me? Who would really care?
Gords
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top