Getting past anger and dealing with incest

[Tryingtolive]

I feel unwanted.
Judged before I even speak.
Product of my past.
Like I have a reason to be angry.
I have a reason to not attend family gatherings.
Acting like I’m okay.
Acting like we’re a perfect family.
Trying my best to make it work out.
I feel like I want to give up.
I want an escape.
I feel restricted.
I feel weak.
Unworthy.
I don’t know what love is.
Or how to say love with out really feeling it.
Others can’t be trusted.
Seeking help makes me feel weak.
Speaking up has taught me to be more quiet.
I feel depressed.
Isolated.
But all a while appearing to be friendly.
Quick burst of anger.
Deep thoughts and emotions covered.
Quick to act out and feel evern more shame.
Not going after what I want.
Please everyone but myself.
A child I still feel like.
With a family who says they love me.
But honesty they can seem to see.
Choose to deny.
Make it little when it’s big.
Such a friendly family to the outside world.
But to me they don’t seem to be.
Masked everything.
The emotions I deal with.
The mental effects I try to fight.
Physically I’m here but mentally I lost track.
Friends and foes seem the same.
Things I cared for slowly slip away.
Everything in my path I seem to avoid.
I waste away.
Knowing all of his stems from my childhood.
With no one around me who understood.
What I went through.
Judged and made out to be different.
I feel as though its like this, just for me to grow.
A male figure to look up to.
One who would care.
Instead of denying me.
Accepting me.
I deny myself.
Cause it feels everyone has.
In my family there’s love.
But there’s lies.
In those lies there’s emotions we hide.
Afraid to look in the eyes and say this happened.
I tend to look at the sky and ask why.
The shame and secrecy I hold on too.
To Never leave a clue.
Fall victim I been destined to do.
A positive outlook in my mind.
It’s quickly tarnished with my anager.
I feel like my anger is what keeps me safe.
I can’t be a good person.
I’m struck at the core.
Covering and shielding my glory.
I’ll never be the same.
And with no one to blame.
People see me as a flawed man.
But only if they knew.
It wasn’t my plan.
This abuse.
The outcome
The family
It wasn’t my choice.
I feel as though I don’t have one.
Continue to be this person I ain’t.
Shaped to be who iam.
This anger and silence.
Leaves me in chaos and violence with myself
I’m always in a daze acting like I’m okay.
I’m Chilled and very nonchalant.
Make sure I look Confident
But the tears come when no one is here.

I’m writing this for someone to understand.
I never felt wanted.
Like I belonged.
I always wanted to be like someone.
And never myself.
Always wanted love.
But in the wrong way.
Wanted affection but it was showed to me in the wrong way.
The problems with my sexuality.
Hurts.
To not understand who iAm.
What group to fit in with with.
Hung around the tough kids.
And made friends with weak kids.
I was someone who everyone wanted to be.
But I always was someone who never wanted to be me.

 

[Dust]

Hi Tryingtolive. I know what it's like to feel unwanted in a family that denies reality. There's hardly a more painful feeling. It's understandable that anger, shame, and hiding would result. I can relate to wanting to be someone else. My life has been about trying to be someone else. At the same time I haven't quite given up on myself. I still try to find that person who is me. To be that person is my goal.

 

[KMCINVA]

Tryingtolive

I am sorry you are struggling--you have been dealt a hand no one should live--violation within the family of your life. Your poems, which have emotion, tell us much of your struggles. I hope writing and sharing is helping to release the pain and helping you to accept it was not your fault. You deserve the best in life.

Casmir213 says it well, being unwanted in a family that denies reality--for you the incest for others their words, actions and bullying, create a world we want to flee, to recreate a place that is filled with love and void of abuse and memories of abuse. It is nice to believe we can forget the past, we cannot, we can only try to put it in its proper place, it was not your fault and the shame and guilt is not yours. I know Casmir213 is right, he is not giving up on himself and wants to be the person who is to be. I have learned, and if I followed the words and actions of my family, I would no longer be here. I would have followed their actions and accepted I was not worthy of life, but in the end I have learned and accepted they are not worthy of me for they have abused, stalked, lied, denied their own issues which are deep and painful. When people carry these burdens they only see themselves and create a world of false experiences and dreams. As a survivor I believed or pretended to believe if I tried hard enough the truth would not be, but the truth controls and the longer we deny, its potency to destroy increases.

Please take care of yourself and remember you are not your family.

Kevin