"Getting Over It" for Older Survivors

[KMCINVA]

A friend sent me a post from Pandora's Post.

https://www.pandys.org/articles/oldersurvivorsofchildsexualassault.html

I thought it brought more clarity to my healing and what I have been told from the professionals. One thing I have heard over and over was how I was being retraumatized. This post brought clarity "Traumatic memory appears to be stored differently than ordinary memory. One consequence of this is that when we're in situations that remind us - even in not-so-obvious ways, of the actual traumatic experience/s we've had, those memory tracts open up, causing us to feel as if it were happening again." The doctors and therapist have told me this over and over. Seeing it in writing helped to solidify my understanding that once the memories of the abuse were opened up, I retreated to a coping mechanism to survive. I remember the memories flooding in so clearly in recent years from the being locked in a room, feeling trapped and stalked, having liquids thrown on me, hearing words screamed at me almost identical to what the abuser said and so much more. I also realize reading the words in the recent social media posting about me, was a form of being retraumatized. The words implied denial of the abuse, denial of acts of retraumatizing a victim/survivor and reminded me of the abuse and everything else negative about the abuse and the long term effects. It sent me to emotional lows that could have been dire and somehow my coping mechanism kicked in. This mechanism has been dormant for an extended period. It took me to a safe place and not a place of abuse. Abuse is no longer love or safety to any part of me.

The article was sent to reassure me and to help realize I am not the one in denial but rather those who have retraumatized me deliberately over and over. Reading this reassured me that I am on the right road to recovery. The abuse left both physical and emotional scars. They are healing. The article also reminded me, triggers will be there and I need to diligent in coping in a positive way

I thought it was an interesting perspective and If I can relate it to my experiences, I think many here will be able to do the same.

 

[600Rider]

There's a whole lot of information there that could've been taken right from my life. I can identify with it, maybe a little too much. Anyway, thanks for sharing that.

 

[Still]

I firmly believe being told to "get over it" by anyone you know, don't know, or even being told this by your internal-speak, is a vicious swipe at numerous aspects of the situation.

"Get over it" says:

1) "I don't think your pain, damage or debilitation warrants any time or effort being spent. I don't believe it was that bad. It surely was not bad enough to warrant any issues you have today."

2) "I discount your pain as not real."

3) "I consider your current course as wrong. You ought not be on this track. You ought not be thinking about it!"

4) "you don't have me on your team if you are going to pursue this and not go back to wearing a mask, drinking to cover it, drugging to cover it. We want the 'old you' back, so cover this shit up and get on with life."

And, is getting "over it" the same thing as healing? I am recently persuaded that the answer is no. I saw and experienced things that I have done so much healing around, but I am not "over" them in the sense that people generally mean that, and I don't believe I ever will be.

This is what some people in our lives want to be true; That getting over it, is healing.

And when I over-hear a stranger billowing that "those people just need to get over it and move-on," in response to a news report: I take it as hostility toward the victims.

"Get Over It" says:

5) "I think you are of weak character for being injured to this day. Your injuries are not real, but your reaction to them is."

6) that they think SO little of you, that they can be effective and accurate judges of your inner-self, your soul, and your situation.

7) they equate your injuries to character flaws.

Telling someone to Get Over It also says that they don't see your healing work as "healing work." Rather they see it as wallowing.

But when a pro-ported, touted, supposed leader of soul healing tells us to "just get over it," I take it as the ultimate kick in the crotch. It also tells me that he's not alone in his beliefs.

If you really want to hear what MANY people think of healing work by a survivor, watch this video. In my opinion, he's a fool!

[video:youtube]BxkF47JbS6g[/video]

 

[Still]

Telling someone to "Get Over It" is very dangerous.

 

[Obi]

[video:youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=15UZbd3UQWc[/video]

 

[Still]

Love that video Obi.

 

[Banjo596]

Thanks for the link to that article KMCINVA.

 

[sorryson]

Great thread. Like the videos. It just shows people do not realize or accept the damage sexual abuse causes a child. The more I learn how the brain changes during and from sexual abuse I can better accept me and more importantly understand why my Dad acted the way he did. His brain was changed and some have suggested our treatment of Dad also changed his brain. I think survivors here know more about how the brain is effected than many doctors and medical professionals. But it does not stop them from pretending they know. Some religious zealots promote misunderstanding that hurts survivors and puts the victims as almost nonentities. Maybe one day people will understand.

 

[600Rider]

I think survivors here know more about how the brain is effected than many doctors and medical professionals. But it does not stop them from pretending they know.

Overall, I agree. Doctors do have their place and time, but they are ultimately human, which means mistakes, and bad calls. My doctors, (there are a few) seemed content to just keep adjusting meds and wait for me to "feel better". I took it upon myself to do a little brain and trauma study/learning, because I don't feel I have the time to "wait to feel better". While I understand it takes some time, just limping along is no kind of answer itself. Things are happening in my brain I can't control; I can't stop it with "rational thinking",and now it affects my everyday life. Most of the doctors I've been to seem to get lost on this point. Its easy for them to "wait" because they're not the one suffering, or even living with somebody suffering. (IMO)

Same as with general health doctors, our best advocate for improving our situation is ourselves. Doc's don't know everything, and they will make mistakes.

 

[sorryson]

600Rider you are right. We need to be own advocate. It is hard when you are suffering and the abuse is controlling. I am sorry your doctors have been unable to help you feel better. It is because some doctors cannot look outside the box or if it is not physical there is nothing wrong. I hope you find the doctor who can help you and do not believe meds are the only answer.

 

[thedudeabides]

Agreed, Still.

Part of my signature is from a Roger Waters song called "Your Possible Pasts" The rest of the verse is as follows:

By the cold and religious we were taken in hand
Shown how to feel good and told to feel bad
And strung out behind us the banners and flags
Of our possible pasts lie in tatters and rags

I wonder if his own son was sexually abused he would tell him to "Get over it." I doubt it.

Peace,
Dude

 

[genedebs]

The obi video is great.

The idea of the return of the of the experiences is strange to me. Perhaps I am too old (66). Perhaps I avoided the emotions of my abuse very late (37. Perhaps it is the level of physical and verbal and emotional abuse were so extreme that it overwhelms my sexual abuse ( which was only significant sporadically for 4 years perhaps only 25 events) compared to more than 500 total abusive events.

However I am still in the process o accepting various experiences as sexual abuse and feeling I must defend myself from being discounted even after more than 20 years of therapy.

 

[Still]

 

[Still]

 

[victor-victim]

i don't get over it, i overcome it.
i go through it until i get it.
then i put it behind to get beyond it.

thanks for the article, KMCINVA.

 

[lapchinj]

i don't get over it, i overcome it.

I know that my use of wording here might just be a different way of slicing bread with the same outcome, I don't think that you can get over something or overcome something unless you can get past it. I have seen guys here on MS that have gotten past their past and can know continue with their lives or able to overcome what was dealt them. I hope this makes sense.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope

 

[LinEar]

i go through it until i get it.
then i put it behind to get beyond it.

Thanks. Going through it is my life right now. Putting it behind me seems far into the future. I'll get there.