Getting angry as an illusion of control?

[Magellan]

As I try and comprehend my incomprehensible situation and confusion, a thought occurred to me and I would like to know if anyone else has any idea or experience with this?

The thought was around the immense shame I have. And the anger I carry as a mask to hide that shame (and protect me).

The thought came to me "Maybe I am angry, and get angry, because I feel it is some measure of control over a situation have have absolutely control over".

I'm unable to make friends or connect with others in any meaningful way. I am chronically frustrated by this, and in my thinking torrents, will lash out in anger - at myself. The horrible negative things I say to myself. I've said some of these things here.

Can anyone relate? Getting angry as an illusory form of control?

 

[LinEar]

I can relate, maybe not exactly (I don't lash out) but in a way that's not totally dissimilar -- I also turn it inward, but it becomes a deeply physical response. Tight neck, tight upper back, tight ribs, unbearably hot face.

Sometimes I get so angry when working with my T that my body tightens to the point where it's very difficult to speak. So in a way I'm sure much of that is 'trying to keep the secret in', but at the same time when I get angry and don't express it it's a way to (poorly) control the situation.

It's hard for me to put into words, but I hope that is helpful.

 

[don64]

I've read that anger is generally a response to feeling helpless. As I move along and learn how to better empower myself, and that has been decades in coming, my anger dissipates as I realize that I always have good choices. It's just that my negative thinking that was written in cement for so long overwhelmed my abilities to see positive outcomes for myself. It didn't mean they weren't there, it was just that I couldn't see them. It has only been in the last month that I have begun to see such positive choices for myself. And, frequently the positive choice is simply clearing away things that aren't working to provide clean, clear space for more harmonious possibilities to develop. My history has been to rush things in fear and so create self-fulfilling prophecies that weren't pleasant.

 

[dark empathy]

Last week I was walking down the road. Someone had stuck scafolding all over the bloody pavement, forcing me to literally have to walk on the road. Turning to walk down the curb, I misjudged the fact that the curb was partly slanted and proceeded to fall over, bashing my knee and one hand. I then stood up, absolutely furious! that this had happened and that I! was the one who got hurt and proceeded to give a convenient peace of planking a good few kicks while swaring very loudly.

A really condescending woman then passed and said "Well that won't help?" I replied "Yes it does! It helps me!" before moving on.

One of the things my councillor said that actually stuck with me, is that the reason I was angry was motivated by injustice, that I! got all this crap because I have a disability while other people don't, ---- and heck, why not be angry wheh some stupid workmen sticks crap all over the place and I! get to be the one hurt by it while everyone with their nice little fucking working eyeballs doesn't, ---- heck it's technically against the law to take up an entire pavement anyway (albeit nobody gives a dam about that).

I agree with Don64 that helplessness breeds anger, but the plane reality is being disabled stinks, and being abused stinks, and being disabled and! being abused really! stinks and there isn't ultimately anything you can do about either, ---- so get angry! the collective deserves it, and as long as your not actually causing harm with your anger (I didn't half boot that plank but I'd never have done that to a person), then why not? After all what right does everyone else! have to have relationships and friends and acceptance, what is so dam special about them! that is why this is an injustice.

My personal advice is If you need to be angry, be angry, and be angry at the injustice and the helplessness and the frustration not yourself sinse that's the last thing you need more of, just so long as you don't hurt anyone with that anger.

One thing my councillor said is "it's not your! problem, it's everyone else's! problem"

Hence my chorus of Fuck humanity!

Actually I will say it has just occurred to me, having my councillor tell me my feelings of frustration and anger were justified really! helped, and I've felt considerably better when I can come on here, spread my vitriol and then be mostly okay the rest of the time.

I know people on this site don't like all the negativity and frustration and hopelessness, but sometimes all the positive thinking lets rev up the self isteme engine really doesn't work so well.

So fuck humanity! If every person on this fucking useless fucking ball of shit planet died next week I'd laugh! I'd fucking laugh! fuck humanity!

I will now go and order pizza and listen to some awsome new Doctor who stories, and feel much better.