Gay fantasies in my head, attracted to women on the street.
healing2019
Registrant
Hi
This is my first message here.
my background:
So it soon became that my internal head fantasies were all gay and very intense. Over the years they grew. I tried to act out when drunk with a transsexual ones, but was revolted... but a few years ago I started to feel more and more 'gay' and went as far as to post on sexual identity forums and start to 'come out' I was willing to accept that maybe I was a surpressed homosexual. But something just wasn't right. I always looked at women on the street and lusted after them but I was internally blocked when it came to getting aroused.. oh that's just 'repression' people told me, but it never budged. Real gay guys 'gross me out' when I think about having sex with them ( I don't mean this to offend gay guys, just that I feel revolted at the thought of sex) yet I have these intense internal fantasies..
To further complicate things, if I look in the mirror and say "I am gay" it feels very good and warm, but I only feel this way during high stress anxious times.
But again on the street, I love looking at women's bodies and have a gut reaction that I want to touch them, smell them, be intimate with them... don't ever feel that way about men.
Does anyone experience anything similar?
This is my first message here.
my background:
- I suffered 'mild' abuse by a older male cousin when i was ten (forced open mouth kissing - to this day I don't know if it was just intense hazing or sexual but i felt disgusted afterwards. ) He did it twice and now I realize I went into a depression afterwards.
- Mother eroticized our relationship made again 'minor' sexual abuse like pinching my rear end in a sexual manner when i was a teenager, and hugging me in a romantic manner - i would get revolted and back away.
- Divorced parents. A nice father but never showed emotion, mother would constantly (and i learned later in life falsely) bad mouth him
So it soon became that my internal head fantasies were all gay and very intense. Over the years they grew. I tried to act out when drunk with a transsexual ones, but was revolted... but a few years ago I started to feel more and more 'gay' and went as far as to post on sexual identity forums and start to 'come out' I was willing to accept that maybe I was a surpressed homosexual. But something just wasn't right. I always looked at women on the street and lusted after them but I was internally blocked when it came to getting aroused.. oh that's just 'repression' people told me, but it never budged. Real gay guys 'gross me out' when I think about having sex with them ( I don't mean this to offend gay guys, just that I feel revolted at the thought of sex) yet I have these intense internal fantasies..
To further complicate things, if I look in the mirror and say "I am gay" it feels very good and warm, but I only feel this way during high stress anxious times.
But again on the street, I love looking at women's bodies and have a gut reaction that I want to touch them, smell them, be intimate with them... don't ever feel that way about men.
Does anyone experience anything similar?