Gay fantasies in my head, attracted to women on the street.

I've written multiple replies and deleted them. I'm less interested in this subject matter as it has been mostly resolved for me. I'm facing the pain beneath the surface SSA. Or at least I'm readying myself to lean in to it. The SSA was a faulty salve on a combination of wounds that only temporarily numbed the pain. It was "easier" to be caught up in shame than to face the pain. I'm planning on starting new threads in other forums that deal with some of the universal or broader pains that many of us share and heal. SSA discussions have been valuable for me. Now I'm dealing with the issues that led to SSA as a way to try to cope with loss, abandonment, neglect, abuse, isolation and a very skewed self-perception and the related stories I've been telling myself about myself and others for a very long time. I'm ready for change. But I support the men who want to discuss SSA and orientation issues in ways that aren't currently widely accepted or even tolerated.
 
The pain beneath the surface of SSA, as you say, is manifest in many parts of our lives, not simply how we act out sexually. It often preoccupies us because the heart of the trauma was sexual. But the experience distorted our lives in many ways. I applaud your intention to explore these "broader pains." This is ultimately what the healing journey involves. Needless to say, the trauma impacted our capacity to build and sustain secure and satisfying relationships... so it impacts how we engage in work, in friendship and in intimate relationships. It was honestly quite painful to recognize that my early abuse left me incapable of being safely in myself or in any moment in life... so I operated from inside terror, patching together a life that was loaded with pain and confusion. I wrote about it in a thread I titled 47 Years of Making it Up. I look forward to how you unpack your version of all this Ed... write what your "heart may feel."
 

healing2019

Registrant
Fellows, lighten up. My therapist made no such assertion about my anonymous sex with men, rather, he characterized it as a re-enactment of the sexual abuse. Setting up straw men to make a point does nothing to a conversation except invite controversy.
It has not been a 'straw man' to me - it has been my very real experience - and it is undeniable that LGBT lobby groups are trying to make any sort of therapy they don't like illegal.. and they even got some books banned from Amazon -
 

healing2019

Registrant
Even just sharing this with everyone here, especially during times of anxiety, has greatly helped me - facing the past sex abuse and mother issues, and just writing them out - while not a magic cure, I have found my SSA has diminished to nothing - that' s not to say that it can't cycle up again but now that I know the why's it lost its appeal as copying strategy..
 

Chris4TheMill

Registrant
This is a very important discussion with a lot of great points being made. One thing I want to emphasize is that when we were being sexually abused as young boys or young men, our identities were still fragile and in the process of being formed. Especially if we did not have a good male role model to encourage and develop us, and if we experienced other abuse from peers and family.

That made our identities - especially our sexual identity - very malleable.

The sexual abuse therefore communicated something very profound to us. By abusing us, the other males were communicating to us very personal messages like "this is what you are good for," and "this is who you are."

There is a particular evil to what they did. I know that in this p.c. world, people hate that word, but it is the truth. Think about it. They lied to us about us. To serve their own selfish desires. And we believed them. Because of wired connections that were formed in our brain, in our thinking, in our souls. Because others were communicating the same thing in other ways. Because we had no one to process the abuse with.

Reclaiming the truth about ourselves and fighting against the lies that were fed to us about ourselves is really what the crux of this battle becomes about. For some that will mean questioning sexual attractions, while it may not be that for others. But for all of us it should at minimum mean not accepting abuse as a lifestyle. And not settling for sexuality as something oppressive and anxiety-producing, instead of life-affirming and connective. We were all affected by the abuse in some way, and will have intensely personal journeys out of it. But it all began here, with the lies that came with the abuse.
 
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not settling for sexuality as something oppressive and anxiety-producing, instead of life-affirming and connective. We were all affected by the abuse in some way, and will have intensely personal journeys out of it. But it all began here, with the lies that came with the abuse.
Well said.
 

healing2019

Registrant
And not settling for sexuality as something oppressive and anxiety-producing, instead of life-affirming and connective.
I love this! thanks. This is the way I am learning to frame sexual impulses or fantasies - the common narrative out there is any impulse=you and you're just 'repressing' yourself by 'denying' it...

I logged onto to male survivor today because I had such an impulse and just naming it and describing why I think i am having it has diminished it's pull
 

Ferguson

Registrant
I love this! thanks. This is the way I am learning to frame sexual impulses or fantasies - the common narrative out there is any impulse=you and you're just 'repressing' yourself by 'denying' it...

I logged onto to male survivor today because I had such an impulse and just naming it and describing why I think i am having it has diminished it's pull
Yes this kind of wisdom has helped me no end recently. It is all making so much more sense now.
Thanks
 

healing2019

Registrant
I was reading joe kort's stuff and he linked to this (possible trigger site!)
a lot of it resonated with me - these fantasies arise when I am lonely and feeling disconnected from others!


"THOSE FANTASIES":
WHY STRAIGHT MEN SOMETIMES
FANTASIZE ABOUT OTHER MALES

Other factors.
In some cases strong, recurring same-sex fantasies can indicate a deeper social or sexual need. For example, loneliness and lack of identity can cause an erotic reaction to thoughts of other men. If we are not satisfied with who we are, how we present ourselves, how we look, our degree of masculinity, or even the appearance of our genitals, it is very possible that we can develop same-sex erotic reactions.

Problems can occur when there is a lack of male friends. There's a reason why we normally have platonic male friends: They help us develop and maintain our identity. If they aren't there, a craving can develop.

Sometimes a "jealous passion" can develop for other males. This is when we desire to actually become another guy. The obsession can then carry over into our sexual fantasy life. Lack of acceptance of ourselves is the issue here. If this is a concern for you, it may help to fantasize about yourself or imaginary people rather than fixating on peers, celebrities, or porn stars.

An unfulfilled adolescent need in adult men can be a factor. Issues such as chemical dependency and alcoholism (either in the individual or the family) can also inhibit some individuals.
 
The sexual abuse therefore communicated something very profound to us. By abusing us, the other males were communicating to us very personal messages like "this is what you are good for," and "this is who you are."
This resonated for me. I didn't know that it had that kind of impact on me at the time but I can see it now. That is why I "acted out" and sought more sexual connections post-abuse - it's what I was good for, I was seen, I was touched, I was appreciated. That's what my mind was telling me. The men in my home - father and older brother - both seemed to dislike me intensely and then abuse happened in such a way that I felt seen, valued, appreciated and some form of "pleasure" that I took to it and kept seeking it as it was the only thing that I had. It caused me immense shame, incredible isolation, stunted emotional growth, lack of real relationships and confusion as a few years later I was attracted to women but I couldn't break this abuse bond that was tied to my drive for connection which was sexualized. I thought, as you wrote, this is who I am or must be. I am understanding that it what I was "taught" and it is not the truth. Also, I don't have to carry anyone else's shame for them.

I know now - at 53 - what was done. I am finally getting angry and it is not coming out sideways. It is finding the right targets.

Appreciate this too:
And not settling for sexuality as something oppressive and anxiety-producing, instead of life-affirming and connective. We were all affected by the abuse in some way, and will have intensely personal journeys out of it.
I understand this quote more and more and am learning the truth of it now and that people can be trusted but that's working a muscle that I haven't worked in a long time. My personal journey right now involves - among other things - anger and being angry to effectuate change. It's a valid anger. I've been a smiley guy who has been a helper and I've said all is okay and I have made sure not to impose too much on others and I've done a lot of retreating into isolation. Being angry, resisting being a good listener or a good helper, smiling less and saying all is not okay as it is has been a journey but I can't say that I'm not enjoying it on some level. I feel like I'm being me and being honest about me and what I went through. The outcome of that feels good but the process often does not.

Thanks for the positive post.
 
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