gateway to hell: revisited
theo
Registrant
guys,
don't know if i am seeking advice or just sounding off. please, for those who are more sesitive right now disregard this post, it will probably be triggering.
i want to thank leosha, mikey, and gary for their words of comfort. it meant a great deal to hear from others. i know this kind of post cannot elicit many words of wisdom, so it is probably just a cry in the dark hoping for some one to say they heard what was not heard 32 years ago...the screams of a child.
i have tried to get back in touch with little theo tonight just before i sat down to write this. i feel as though the answer is right there on the tip of my tounge but it refuses to be spoken. there was the perp, a knife, and the child i was of 4 yrs old. i had to close my eyes then because i was in danger of death for whatever was going on. i felt as though i was almost there with the answer to what happened but it slipped away again. i have dissociated six times in the past two weeks, four of those while i was awake. i had to purposely recall what a brother here said about expecting a child to think like an adult. i kept telling myself to think like a four year old. it worked up to a point, but then it slipped away. this has had me in the grips of total apathy ever since the trigger of the knife was pulled two weeks ago.
i don't know what to do anymore!!! i tried so hard to be there for little theo when the subject of the knife came up but i have not been able to get anything done. i woke up twice in the middle of a dissociative episode when lady theo came to bed in the last two weeks feeling terror. how do four year olds think? how can i reach little theo and let him know he really is safe? this is something really bad. it is so bad that i can't even break through the walls i put up myself to get to the truth. how does a four year old think and feel????????
don't know if i am seeking advice or just sounding off. please, for those who are more sesitive right now disregard this post, it will probably be triggering.
i want to thank leosha, mikey, and gary for their words of comfort. it meant a great deal to hear from others. i know this kind of post cannot elicit many words of wisdom, so it is probably just a cry in the dark hoping for some one to say they heard what was not heard 32 years ago...the screams of a child.
i have tried to get back in touch with little theo tonight just before i sat down to write this. i feel as though the answer is right there on the tip of my tounge but it refuses to be spoken. there was the perp, a knife, and the child i was of 4 yrs old. i had to close my eyes then because i was in danger of death for whatever was going on. i felt as though i was almost there with the answer to what happened but it slipped away again. i have dissociated six times in the past two weeks, four of those while i was awake. i had to purposely recall what a brother here said about expecting a child to think like an adult. i kept telling myself to think like a four year old. it worked up to a point, but then it slipped away. this has had me in the grips of total apathy ever since the trigger of the knife was pulled two weeks ago.
i don't know what to do anymore!!! i tried so hard to be there for little theo when the subject of the knife came up but i have not been able to get anything done. i woke up twice in the middle of a dissociative episode when lady theo came to bed in the last two weeks feeling terror. how do four year olds think? how can i reach little theo and let him know he really is safe? this is something really bad. it is so bad that i can't even break through the walls i put up myself to get to the truth. how does a four year old think and feel????????
. i hate it when we work so hard only to be screwed over again by the hell inflicted on us from so long ago. tom, in my own spiritual journey i struggle with the desire for justice and the desire for vengance. it is a fine line it seems to me, and i frequently don't know where it is. gary, obviously i have no idea when or even if the trigger will occur to the full knowledge, but when it does happen i have little doubt it will be the least oppurtune time it can be, say right in the middle of the presentation of my independent research project i am already behind on. again, i thank each of you for reaching out to me and little theo. david, your words in that respect affected me deeply and i will do exactly that. i am the nurturer and caretaker little theo never had. i only hope i have the strength to overcome the terror that invades my soul so often of late so that i will be able to love that little boy that was so hurt by those who should have loved and protected him. take care.