Gaslighted?

Gaslighted?

Dost

Registrant
Parvez and I never talked about our sexual relationship. It happened in the silence and darkness of the night, with the lights off.

However, he imprinted me with beliefs entrenched in my instinctual nervous system, and my intellectual abilities could never examine these lived beliefs. Even though I am intelligent and successful, with a significantly above-average IQ.

An example of the entrenched beliefs in my instinctual nervous system is finding myself looking for an intimate experience with men and my inability to reflect on my prior experiences with men. The instinctual force would be strong like a hurricane and prevent me from analyzing or thinking.

Fortunately, I can peer deep inside my instinctual nervous system and reflect on these deeply rooted beliefs. Somehow Parvez convinced me, a 13-year-old boy who had never masturbated or knew about the sexual energies he was feeling in his body, that the only way to enjoy sex is sex with men. I believed that without thinking or analyzing. This resulted in assuming that the only way for me to enjoy sex was how it was with Parvez, i.e., powerless and to please others. Moreover, sex must happen to me; not something I can pursue and do. I would go to a gay-friendly spa hoping the massage would become sexually intimate. I'll continue to repeat what Parvez taught me when intimate with men or women for a long time.

Furthermore, I was convinced that if I didn't have sex with men, I'd never enjoy sex with anyone. The 13-year-old boy, whom my adult self imprisoned in a cage of shame, could never analyze and reflect that this is NOT true in my experience!

I drank toxic gaslighting poison, which prevented me from realizing that Parvez interfered with my physical and sexual development; Pervez also distorted my heterosexual expression.

I don't need to do anything now except to stop ingesting the gaslighting poison, which continues to be strengthened by my family if I allow it. So now I rest and nurture my body to integrate my sexual energies into my body - something that should have happened during my early teens.

I still feel the onslaught of the gaslighting poison; I imagine Black Panther in my belly, chopping the heads of Pervez and the supporters of pedophilia in my family! I can peer through the nonsense - I couldn't do this before!

I am happy and complete because I am living the flow of my own life!
 
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