Further adventures in anger
First I had to learn to accept the fact that I am angry.
Next I learned to respect and value my anger as a sign that I perceive that some boundary of mine has been crossed; that I am threatened in some way.
Now it seems I'm getting to practice accepting the fact that I am angry at times; recognize that it is a valuable signal to me that I perceive some type of violation in progress or imminent; and follow through with all this by not allowing my anger to overwhelm and carry with it all my other emotions.
Tuesday I had a big disappointment at the Customs office. After wrangling with holiday schedules and airline agents I at last was in the customs office with all my paper work at hand.
I was all prepared to rescue the 15,000 or so tulip bulbs which had been stranded by red tape for the last couple of days. I've been through this routine for the last 3 years and feel like I'm finally getting a handle on it.
The customs guy takes my ID, comes back and says: "This shipment is over $3000.00. I can't release it to you without having a bond posted. You'll have to go to San Antonio for that."
I could feel the frustration and fear starting to mount in me. I had done my homework; I had tried so hard to get everything set up. Now it turns out that there's one more regulation I had never encountered--the dreaded $3000 rule. My tulips were going to be damaged by spending several more days in an unairconditioned space.
Panic! Fear! Disappointment! Anger! Anger!
I was so tired that day--I had spent the previous three days tilling the tulip fields, very rocky soil. My arms ached, my mind and body were so fatigued I could hardly stand it. And now my tulips, poor perishable little Dutch bulbs that they are, were being held captive in the Texas heat by surprise $3000 regulation.
I got angry. I expressed my anger. I raised my voice. I complained about the lack of easily accessible regulatins. I spoke of how I wished the customs agents in previous years had told me about the $3000 rule---evidently none of my past shipments went beyond three thousand dollars.
At the same time, however, I realized the futility of arguing with a federal agent enforcing the law. I even was slightly aware that it was not a good idea to be so on the edge when dealing with a man who is carrying a gun! lol
After a few bitter exchanges I left the office to pursue the avenues suggested to me by the customs agent--in between recriminating remarks.
As I was leaving the office, I noticed that I spoke one last time, and I asked them for some understanding of my position of a small business man trying to make a living. I offered that I was trying to understand their position also.
After lots of phone calls and running about, I ended up hiring a very nice broker who for $200 got my shipment released from customs. A good friend of mine went with me, we loaded the 1200 pounds of tulips and got them safely into cold storage.
Fortunately, while going about this business I had the chance to talk about what had happened with my very understanding friend. (He is a guy that I sponsor in AA).
I was able to articulate how scared I felt in front the customs officer; how I felt shame at not having "done my homework" (his words!); how I felt guilty for not having come earlier in the day (I had spent the first part of the day trying to take care of myself, as I was so exhausted); how I really felt a great sadness that these men who I see as being 'public servants' there to help me, were instead behaving in a rather callous manner.
In short, I was able to see that my anger covers up all those deeper, more vulnerable feelings. And also how it creates a barrier to effective communication between me and the other party. And how it leaves me afterwards feeling somehow wrong and inappropriate.
So I got to explore all those other feelings, after the angry outburst.
Maybe someday I will recognize the anger and look underneath to see what other emotions are lurking there being hidden by my anger. Maybe then I will be able to ask for reassurance if I am afraid; for validation if I am feeling shame; for support if I am feeling weak and vulnerable.
And allow my anger to do its job of alerting me to possible danger without it doing greater damage.
As it is, I feel pretty good about it all. I got my tulips; I got to experience my anger (without getting shot) and I later got to explore all the other emotions that were happening simultaneously.
I also did some research on the customs laws and it seems that there is a US code that says that the customs office should go to great lengths to be supportive of small businesses importing goods into the US.
Being sexually abused as a teenager, not feeling that it was ever safe to acknowledge or express my emotions of anger, hurt and sadness I find myself now at 50 years old learning how it all works together for my best interest.
The more I learn about anger; the more I see it as a useful part of my emotional makeup; and the more I see how it can be less than helpful when it overwhelms me and carries off all the other feelings.
I don't guess there's anyway to learn this stuff by myself sitting at home alone; no correspondence course in emotional maturity for me. I've got to get out there and take the risk of appearing foolish and immature. Risk getting hurt and being disappointed. Risk being successful and having my anger turned into joy.
It was a very tough day for me indeed. This stuff is really very demanding. The fact that I know I have support and love here and elsewhere gives me the courage to continue.
Thanks guys for being with me on this path of adventures in living. It actually feels pretty good today.
And just think how incredible those 15,000 tulips are going to look this winter here in Austin Texas.
Today I can say that life is worth living.
Thanks for reading. Someday I'll learn how to summarize all this in a neat paragraph or two, until then I'll just keep telling it the best I can.
Next I learned to respect and value my anger as a sign that I perceive that some boundary of mine has been crossed; that I am threatened in some way.
Now it seems I'm getting to practice accepting the fact that I am angry at times; recognize that it is a valuable signal to me that I perceive some type of violation in progress or imminent; and follow through with all this by not allowing my anger to overwhelm and carry with it all my other emotions.
Tuesday I had a big disappointment at the Customs office. After wrangling with holiday schedules and airline agents I at last was in the customs office with all my paper work at hand.
I was all prepared to rescue the 15,000 or so tulip bulbs which had been stranded by red tape for the last couple of days. I've been through this routine for the last 3 years and feel like I'm finally getting a handle on it.
The customs guy takes my ID, comes back and says: "This shipment is over $3000.00. I can't release it to you without having a bond posted. You'll have to go to San Antonio for that."
I could feel the frustration and fear starting to mount in me. I had done my homework; I had tried so hard to get everything set up. Now it turns out that there's one more regulation I had never encountered--the dreaded $3000 rule. My tulips were going to be damaged by spending several more days in an unairconditioned space.
Panic! Fear! Disappointment! Anger! Anger!
I was so tired that day--I had spent the previous three days tilling the tulip fields, very rocky soil. My arms ached, my mind and body were so fatigued I could hardly stand it. And now my tulips, poor perishable little Dutch bulbs that they are, were being held captive in the Texas heat by surprise $3000 regulation.
I got angry. I expressed my anger. I raised my voice. I complained about the lack of easily accessible regulatins. I spoke of how I wished the customs agents in previous years had told me about the $3000 rule---evidently none of my past shipments went beyond three thousand dollars.
At the same time, however, I realized the futility of arguing with a federal agent enforcing the law. I even was slightly aware that it was not a good idea to be so on the edge when dealing with a man who is carrying a gun! lol
After a few bitter exchanges I left the office to pursue the avenues suggested to me by the customs agent--in between recriminating remarks.
As I was leaving the office, I noticed that I spoke one last time, and I asked them for some understanding of my position of a small business man trying to make a living. I offered that I was trying to understand their position also.
After lots of phone calls and running about, I ended up hiring a very nice broker who for $200 got my shipment released from customs. A good friend of mine went with me, we loaded the 1200 pounds of tulips and got them safely into cold storage.
Fortunately, while going about this business I had the chance to talk about what had happened with my very understanding friend. (He is a guy that I sponsor in AA).
I was able to articulate how scared I felt in front the customs officer; how I felt shame at not having "done my homework" (his words!); how I felt guilty for not having come earlier in the day (I had spent the first part of the day trying to take care of myself, as I was so exhausted); how I really felt a great sadness that these men who I see as being 'public servants' there to help me, were instead behaving in a rather callous manner.
In short, I was able to see that my anger covers up all those deeper, more vulnerable feelings. And also how it creates a barrier to effective communication between me and the other party. And how it leaves me afterwards feeling somehow wrong and inappropriate.
So I got to explore all those other feelings, after the angry outburst.
Maybe someday I will recognize the anger and look underneath to see what other emotions are lurking there being hidden by my anger. Maybe then I will be able to ask for reassurance if I am afraid; for validation if I am feeling shame; for support if I am feeling weak and vulnerable.
And allow my anger to do its job of alerting me to possible danger without it doing greater damage.
As it is, I feel pretty good about it all. I got my tulips; I got to experience my anger (without getting shot) and I later got to explore all the other emotions that were happening simultaneously.
I also did some research on the customs laws and it seems that there is a US code that says that the customs office should go to great lengths to be supportive of small businesses importing goods into the US.
Being sexually abused as a teenager, not feeling that it was ever safe to acknowledge or express my emotions of anger, hurt and sadness I find myself now at 50 years old learning how it all works together for my best interest.
The more I learn about anger; the more I see it as a useful part of my emotional makeup; and the more I see how it can be less than helpful when it overwhelms me and carries off all the other feelings.
I don't guess there's anyway to learn this stuff by myself sitting at home alone; no correspondence course in emotional maturity for me. I've got to get out there and take the risk of appearing foolish and immature. Risk getting hurt and being disappointed. Risk being successful and having my anger turned into joy.
It was a very tough day for me indeed. This stuff is really very demanding. The fact that I know I have support and love here and elsewhere gives me the courage to continue.
Thanks guys for being with me on this path of adventures in living. It actually feels pretty good today.
And just think how incredible those 15,000 tulips are going to look this winter here in Austin Texas.
Today I can say that life is worth living.
Thanks for reading. Someday I'll learn how to summarize all this in a neat paragraph or two, until then I'll just keep telling it the best I can.
) and we use them with some awareness of what's going on, but it's still instictive.
I would love to see that. They are my favorite flower.