Functioning, yet crippled. (TRIGGERS!)

Functioning, yet crippled. (TRIGGERS!)
C

crisispoint

Registrant
On the one hand today, I'm able to function, work, talk, laugh, even joke.

On the other, mentally I'm in a fetal position, too damn afraid to even live.

So damn terrified. Scared. Not because of it happening again, but that it happened and both rapists are still out there.

Back against the wall indeed.

Will I ever feel frigging safe again? Afraid. Afraid.

I don't want to be scared anymore. Now it's all of me, not just the child I used to be.

Help.

Scot
 
Scot,

Sorry you're feeling so vulnerable. I don't think that there is any worse feeling than that.
I remember when my partner and I were pursued by some guy who came out from one of the bridges we cross on our daily walk. Well, we were walking a little later than usual and this guy was hell bent to terrorize us.
Thank God for cell phones and responsive police.
To make a long story shorter, a buddy of mine, after hearing our story, sent Ranata and I personal pepper sprays for my belt and her pocket. We did as the directions said, we tried them out for distance and accuracy. They have given us a new sense of security--and we try to not walk as late, either.
Oh, ya, these particular spay apparati have a dye in them for later police identification, if needed.
I'm not telling you to arm yourself, but if a device like this would give you back some sense of safety, check into it. "Personal safety devices," typed into google search, should get you what you want.
Peace to you,
David
 
Scot heed David. Do something to take away the vulnerability. Be proactive in it. If it is pepper spray so be it.
My brother any tool we use short of a gun or knife is worth it. Maybe try Karate classes or something like that.
 
I can relate some to how you are talking. I feel so different. I am so afraid of so much, even to go to bed most times. But, somehow I am able to be 'on' and 'perform' when I need to, just as you say, functional. I don't know how we continue to do this, and it worries me, because will it wear down some day? And then what? Do we live life then curled up in the 'fetal ball'?

I wish you to feel better. I'm sorry things are so hard right now. I wish I had advice to give you.

leosha
 
Scot

You can, indeed, feel safe, and I know that you will again if you take the steps recommended by your brothers on this site. I believe it was the estimable Zack de la Roca of "Rage Against The Machine" who hollered, "We gotta take the power BACK!" It's hard sometimes, though.

I was telling my counselor last week that the last time I honestly felt no vulnerability was (ironically) in the field, in a hostile environment, standing watch with the Marines. This was last year. We were in a hole, and I had very capable guys on either side of and behind me who completely "had my six," and I had theirs. What a remarkable feeling of teamwork and support!

Naturally, I am not recommending that you rush out and join the Marines, Scot, but it helped me to visualize myself in a hostile environment while dealing with my SA and the attending challenges. I picture myself in a hole with my counselor, and my wife, and God, and 'Bob the Dean' from this website, and a host of other attending people who love me and "have my six..." and somehow it makes me feel more secure.

Might only work for me, but I thought I would share anyway. It really made me think about the people who support me in overcoming this.

Good luck, hang in, and be good! :cool:

Kurt
 
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