frustration, anger, disgust
OK, just need to vent again & maybe you guys have some kind of insight that will help me deal with my situation.
A brief summary of stuff I've already posted: I am planning to move. My bf has had his ex come & go while I left town so she could move stuff out of the house where it has been for the past three years since they broke up (didn't want to be around while she was here). My bf has talked a bit about considering moving & joining me, but it has not been anything concrete.
So, I came back from my trip & my bf (I'm calling him that because we spent time before my trip & related as bf/gf, using those words and defined our relatinoship that way) didn't talk to me for several days. He didn't give me any indication of what happened with his ex, & he wasn't open to discussing anything about what I found out while I was away (I was looking at houses & looking at possible jobs in the town I'm moving to).
I am REALLY angry. I asked him about the ex & he said that they didn't have sex (he is currently feeling like he can't deal with sexual intimacy, which is a new phase for him in recovery) but they slept in the same bed together. I was controlled in my reaction, but it really hurt me that they were sharing that kind of intimacy. His attitude toward me is so extremely disrespectful that it is as if my feelings are of no importance at all. I told him I was angry and upset about how he is dealing with me.
He had therapy & called me the next day because he was going out of town for the weekend. He told me that he is working on setting boundaries in his relationships and gave some examples of recent situations where he needs to not do things he doesn't want to do. One of those is not calling me because he doesn't feel like it.
So, I've been back a week, talked to him twice, left town to give him space to deal with the ex without having to deal with me losing it (because I would), and he is basically telling me that calling me is an obligation & if I expect it, it is a boundary violation. Well, I just don't see why, given the way we relate to each other (usually talk every day, see each other every few days) I am just supposed to NOT expect to talk. I expected a conversation about the situation with the ex to clarify where we stood with each other & see where we go from here.
Instead, I find out that I am violating his boundaries by having ANY expectation at all! What about dealing with a relationship?! How is it a boundary violation to want to relate and have my feelings and needs matter? I feel like he is using his therapy to reinforce the dysfunction instead of dealing with things in a healthier way.
I wouldn't be so confused if the time we spent before didn't involve close personal discussions & warmth between us. Before the ex got to town & I was away he was calling and asking me to find out some info on the town for him so he could seriously consider moving. His sis just told me today that he said something to her about me involving him in my house shopping 'as if' he was going to move -- with that kind of sarcasm, implying that I am pushing for that. HE was the one who asked for the info, HE has made comments about what house I should get 'because it has to be a place he'd like to live', and HE was the one saying he might like to move there.
So, I'm furious & I feel like I am going crazy for believing anything good that comes out of his mouth. I feel disgusted with myself for having any hope left about him/us because it has been such a roller-coaster for so long. I am hurt by his behavior, but I'm mad at myself for getting to a place where such incredible disrespect for me has been possible. It is like all my understanding is just proof to him that I am a chump & then he makes fun of me to his sister!
My anger feels healthy, like I am finally saying enough, I won't be the punching bag for his problems with his family, ex, and the other users in his life. But I also feel frustrated & like I want to show all these people that I am not a psycho, that HE is the one making me thing he cares, that I call him because HE acts like we have a relationship that he wants. How am I supposed to know when the tides will turn, when my caring becomes an 'obligation'?
So, what am I supposed to do with this?! You guys have helped before by talking about how you got through this stuff, how you overcame those dysfunctions, how it isn't the partner's place to try to change things for him, & that walking away is sometimes the best thing to do. I am really taking that all to heart, but how do I not hate him for this? I feel like he is giving me all the limits he should give the pushy selfish people in his life -- I am an easy mark because I DO back of when he asks me to, I DO try to respect where he is in his therapy & if he is feeling overwhelmed & can't deal with stuff, I DON'T tell him what he should do with his life, I DON't require ANYTHING from him at this point. It just feels like he is playing out some kind of sick game where he is pushing further & further with this crap & then laughing at me when I am still around supporting him when he needs it. But how can I just not talk to him when he calls & is feeling awful & asks for my support? I mean, I am wanting to tell him at this point to go call the ex, his sis, or those lovely friends since he treats them all better than me BECAUSE THEY ARE PUSHY & NASTY TO HIM!!!
Oh, and to top it all off, his father was just accused of molesting his niece, which points the finger more at him as my bf's perp (he still doesn't have any clear memories), but my bf has been spending more time with him lately as well & seems totally disconnected from that reality.
Aghhhhh. I am disgusted with myself for even worrying about that given his behavior toward me. Am I such a schmuck to believe that he is correct when he is seeing things as a survivor and is open & kind & that it doesn't reflect who he really is when he acts like a jerk because of his abuse? I don't want to not believe that, but he is using it against me. How can he tell me that he was sleeping in the same bed with his ex without expecting me to get mad? How can I be this close confindant to him -- on any level, friend, lover, gf -- and be treated as though I am pushing myself on him, expecting too much, foolishly thinking we have a relationship (because HE calls me his gf, HE talks about moving with me, we together have warm caring moments together...), and just generally being a nuisance in his life who should go away and leave him in peace?
So, in the long-term, I am moving, moving on with my life, seeing my own friends, cutting ties with our mutual friends so I don't hear this kind of stuff, getting a new job, getting more involved in my own family (good stuff happing there -- I'm going to be an aunt!). In the short term, I'm confused. Should I change my phone number & tell him to leave me alone? Should I keep supporting him when he needs it? Should I even bother to discuss any of this with him or point it out when he does call? I feel like the 'healthy' thing to do is process through this stuff together by talking & discussing & resolving, but I don't know if I am just setting myself up to be a victim of more disrespect and rudeness by even trying.
Thanks for listening.
-BB.
A brief summary of stuff I've already posted: I am planning to move. My bf has had his ex come & go while I left town so she could move stuff out of the house where it has been for the past three years since they broke up (didn't want to be around while she was here). My bf has talked a bit about considering moving & joining me, but it has not been anything concrete.
So, I came back from my trip & my bf (I'm calling him that because we spent time before my trip & related as bf/gf, using those words and defined our relatinoship that way) didn't talk to me for several days. He didn't give me any indication of what happened with his ex, & he wasn't open to discussing anything about what I found out while I was away (I was looking at houses & looking at possible jobs in the town I'm moving to).
I am REALLY angry. I asked him about the ex & he said that they didn't have sex (he is currently feeling like he can't deal with sexual intimacy, which is a new phase for him in recovery) but they slept in the same bed together. I was controlled in my reaction, but it really hurt me that they were sharing that kind of intimacy. His attitude toward me is so extremely disrespectful that it is as if my feelings are of no importance at all. I told him I was angry and upset about how he is dealing with me.
He had therapy & called me the next day because he was going out of town for the weekend. He told me that he is working on setting boundaries in his relationships and gave some examples of recent situations where he needs to not do things he doesn't want to do. One of those is not calling me because he doesn't feel like it.
So, I've been back a week, talked to him twice, left town to give him space to deal with the ex without having to deal with me losing it (because I would), and he is basically telling me that calling me is an obligation & if I expect it, it is a boundary violation. Well, I just don't see why, given the way we relate to each other (usually talk every day, see each other every few days) I am just supposed to NOT expect to talk. I expected a conversation about the situation with the ex to clarify where we stood with each other & see where we go from here.
Instead, I find out that I am violating his boundaries by having ANY expectation at all! What about dealing with a relationship?! How is it a boundary violation to want to relate and have my feelings and needs matter? I feel like he is using his therapy to reinforce the dysfunction instead of dealing with things in a healthier way.
I wouldn't be so confused if the time we spent before didn't involve close personal discussions & warmth between us. Before the ex got to town & I was away he was calling and asking me to find out some info on the town for him so he could seriously consider moving. His sis just told me today that he said something to her about me involving him in my house shopping 'as if' he was going to move -- with that kind of sarcasm, implying that I am pushing for that. HE was the one who asked for the info, HE has made comments about what house I should get 'because it has to be a place he'd like to live', and HE was the one saying he might like to move there.
So, I'm furious & I feel like I am going crazy for believing anything good that comes out of his mouth. I feel disgusted with myself for having any hope left about him/us because it has been such a roller-coaster for so long. I am hurt by his behavior, but I'm mad at myself for getting to a place where such incredible disrespect for me has been possible. It is like all my understanding is just proof to him that I am a chump & then he makes fun of me to his sister!
My anger feels healthy, like I am finally saying enough, I won't be the punching bag for his problems with his family, ex, and the other users in his life. But I also feel frustrated & like I want to show all these people that I am not a psycho, that HE is the one making me thing he cares, that I call him because HE acts like we have a relationship that he wants. How am I supposed to know when the tides will turn, when my caring becomes an 'obligation'?
So, what am I supposed to do with this?! You guys have helped before by talking about how you got through this stuff, how you overcame those dysfunctions, how it isn't the partner's place to try to change things for him, & that walking away is sometimes the best thing to do. I am really taking that all to heart, but how do I not hate him for this? I feel like he is giving me all the limits he should give the pushy selfish people in his life -- I am an easy mark because I DO back of when he asks me to, I DO try to respect where he is in his therapy & if he is feeling overwhelmed & can't deal with stuff, I DON'T tell him what he should do with his life, I DON't require ANYTHING from him at this point. It just feels like he is playing out some kind of sick game where he is pushing further & further with this crap & then laughing at me when I am still around supporting him when he needs it. But how can I just not talk to him when he calls & is feeling awful & asks for my support? I mean, I am wanting to tell him at this point to go call the ex, his sis, or those lovely friends since he treats them all better than me BECAUSE THEY ARE PUSHY & NASTY TO HIM!!!
Oh, and to top it all off, his father was just accused of molesting his niece, which points the finger more at him as my bf's perp (he still doesn't have any clear memories), but my bf has been spending more time with him lately as well & seems totally disconnected from that reality.
Aghhhhh. I am disgusted with myself for even worrying about that given his behavior toward me. Am I such a schmuck to believe that he is correct when he is seeing things as a survivor and is open & kind & that it doesn't reflect who he really is when he acts like a jerk because of his abuse? I don't want to not believe that, but he is using it against me. How can he tell me that he was sleeping in the same bed with his ex without expecting me to get mad? How can I be this close confindant to him -- on any level, friend, lover, gf -- and be treated as though I am pushing myself on him, expecting too much, foolishly thinking we have a relationship (because HE calls me his gf, HE talks about moving with me, we together have warm caring moments together...), and just generally being a nuisance in his life who should go away and leave him in peace?
So, in the long-term, I am moving, moving on with my life, seeing my own friends, cutting ties with our mutual friends so I don't hear this kind of stuff, getting a new job, getting more involved in my own family (good stuff happing there -- I'm going to be an aunt!). In the short term, I'm confused. Should I change my phone number & tell him to leave me alone? Should I keep supporting him when he needs it? Should I even bother to discuss any of this with him or point it out when he does call? I feel like the 'healthy' thing to do is process through this stuff together by talking & discussing & resolving, but I don't know if I am just setting myself up to be a victim of more disrespect and rudeness by even trying.
Thanks for listening.
-BB.
) disappears for a while to let the 'storm' pass.
