From victim to ... volunteer to .... Survivor

From victim to ... volunteer to .... Survivor
J

Jaco

Registrant
My wife and I have always had some discussions about other people that we know who were in an abusive relationship.

This post in some bizarre way will tie in with Rayne's post on "Acting Out" and explain how I feel today about my acting out.

I would like to use an example here to explain my theory.

Two people are in a relationship. One of them is abusive towards the other, eg one abuses the other one and threatens the other with killing him/her if they should leave.

Now for me at some point in time the person who is being abused is going to realise that he/she must move on with their lives. So he/she ends the relationship anyway. Even if this has taken some years to do but the relationship is now over.

I feel these are the different phases that one would go through. (Or at least I have)

First he/she was a victim falling prey to the abuser. (I was a victim of my child abuser)
Whether you have gone back time and time again or not.

As and adult I have acted out in which I have become the Volunteer. I have, through choice, gone back to re enact the "abuse" out on other men.

Today I am a SURVIVOR and have made the choice not to damage me or my family any more. That through my actions I were busy destroying other lives not just my own.

I have gone from Victim to Volunteer to SURVIVOR....
 
Jaco,

I understand what you mean and how you feel, but I am not sure I would use the term "volunteer" and say what you did was by your choice.

I think an adult survivor needs to remember that he is responsible for what he does, but at the same time I think he is also entitled to believe that behind his acting out lies a complex array of needs and feelings that compromise his ability to choose what is really good for him.

Much love,
Larry
 
I am choosing not to say much for fear of what others may decide to ignorently say on this site so therefore I just want to say you are incredably brave and I respect you very much for what you have posted. Thanks for sharing.

malidin41
 
I sometimes think that looking at the whole picture helps us understand why survivors "act out". While I had a screwed up childhood I can recall adults who supported and loved me. I know that I often copy the behaviors of these people.

As a boy we dis not understand the complexity of relationshhips we had with adult role models. The things we were exposed to were the foundation of our "self".

I have learned to judge what behaviors are healthy and which behaviors are harmful. I could not do that as a child.
 
Jaay
you are so right, there must be in every survivors life adults that were actually good to us and who in normal circumstances - ie, if our childhoods weren't affected by abuse - would be wonderful role models.

How often do we as survivors forget about these people?
I know that I'm very guilty of this, and at the boarding school where I was abused there were some genuinly good teachers, well two anyway.
Between them they instilled in me my love of working with my hands and the English language, the craft teacher and english teacher.
My love of working with my hands is still with me, as is my love of reading.

But my memories of that place are so dominated by my abuse now that I disregard these two fine men, and they were fine men because not only did they teach their subjects well, they also shared their experience of life with us, in much the same way as our absent parents might have done.

It's very easy to relegate the whole period of our abuse to the world of our abuse, and when we do a lot of the good and normal things get cast aside, and that's a shame.

Jaco
to get back to the original post, I partially agree with you, we do go from victim to survivor via another stage, especially as men who act out. But I would hesitate to say I was a volunteer in my acting out.

I know that I was an adult, and as such I should have been in control of my actions, and to those who've never acted out sexually I can see that it could be very easy to think that such a monumental action should be well within any sane adults capacity to stop.

I haven't acted out with another man since 1998, which is recent enough for me to remember clearly the state of mind I was in during that time, and the intensity of the compulsion that led me to acting out.
I honestly believe that I was out of control during these acting out periods, and barely in control for much of the other time.

I know 100% that I walked into the toilets and had sex with strangers, so I was in a sense 'volunteering' because nobody physically dragged me there, my own legs carried me there, and obviously my brain was in charge of my legs, but my brain was compelling me to do something that in the cold light of day I found repulsive, and wouldn't in any normal circumstances volunteer to do.

Personally I would replace volunteer with "driven" - because that's my personal memory of my acting out, I was driven by the compulsion, and that has it's roots entirely in my abuse, and as you say with it's re-enactment.
I was certainly trying to re-enact the abuse, but on my terms.

Interesting point though, it's made me think about it some more which is always good.

Dave
 
Dave,

I guess I was trying to point what you said directly. We are "driven" to do these things because that was our first experience with sex. We were not old enough to make choices or decisions. I was raped while sleeping and so it along time to sort out what happened to me. I was confused and could not understand why I did not any feelins associated wih puberty.

Jaay
 
Jaay,

We are "driven" to do these things because that was our first experience with sex. We were not old enough to make choices or decisions.
Click to expand...
When my abuse began I didn't even know it had something to do with sex. I just felt ashamed and frightened and confused because somebody was messing around with a very private part of my body and making me do the same things to him.

Dave,

I was talking with Thad the other day about many things, and he made a decisive comment to me: "It's all about boundaries." I guess he's right. Violated boundaries, confused boundaries, wrecked boundaries, rebuilt boundaries. Surely our own responsibility has a lot to do with whatever sense of boundaries we did or did not have at any given moment.

I remember that in high school every time any adult male was nice to me or encouraged me I thought he wanted sex from me...and I was absolutely prepared to give it up. Then when he didn't actually hit on me and take me somewhere I wondered what was wrong with me and why didn't he want to fuck me. How's that for boundaries!!??

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry,

I did not remember the incident until I was 32. I always felt an attaction to woman but like you I had the same kind of thinking. I often would ask myself "why won't anybody love me?" It took me along time to realize that it wasn't love and only by talking it out did that need to be fucked by a men leave me.

Jaay
 
I think every person needs to take some sort of responsability for their action. I do also understand that underneath acting out is some underling connection to our childhood.

As I go through my recovery proses I think that I need to accept the fact that I had a responsability not only to myself but also my family, to not act out.

This I did not do and only once EVERYTHING came out could I go on with a productive and non destructive life.

I do take a certain degree of responsabilty for acting out. As a grown up I should have considered the consequences.
 
I cannot take responsibility for my future, unless I am also willing to take responsibility of my past.

For me taking responsibility also means being completely present in the present moment so when a situation arises as it always does, I am THERE to handle and not lurking behind in shadows of past.

Then I can't think of anything to do, except panicking or freezing with fear, and in contrast when I believe I can handle it, I usually can.

Empowerment is taking responsibility, increasing my ability of respond.

No wonder they say it is all about 'presence' of mind.
 
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