From Jake_t2398,triggers ? cursing mostly ha
We received the following letter from Jake that he wanted posted in the male survivor forum:
in the subject thing: From Jake_t2398,triggers ? cursing mostly ha
Hey Bros, miss you all so freaking much. I'm still in South Dakota out in the middle of nowhere on this prairie on the reservation. I can't get to a computer so I asked someone to post this for me. LOL, hey guys, your getting a break from my shitty typing, this message is being typed by someone who knows how to type hahaha. Hope you all are doing good, I think about you guys all the time. Sometimes I think maybe no-one will remember me but thats cool, I still remember and care bout you all anyway. Yeah and know I care cause I'm so far in this back country that to get this message out there, I wrote it and gave it to someone whose heading to the north part of the rez to get to a phone to call and read it to someone over the phone so I could get this posted. Guys I wanted you to know like for real we can get past the abuse. Thats what I'm doing out here, maybe the path I'm taking is a different one, doing stuff in the ways like from my tribe and shit but it's helping. For you guys that know me and know the shit life I had then you know it's got to be real for me to say this. For those that don't know me, my name is Jake, I'm 21 and a survivor, read my stories they are posted somewhere on the site, I forget where, but like if you can handle the triggers read it. First I wanted you all to remember never give up, theres probably a million different answers like to getting past this but keep trying till you find what works for you. Keep trying cause you all are worth so much even when you don't think so, and like if you can't feel it for yourself then like thats why we all are here, to help each other and remind each other of whats good and whats real. Remember it was not, in no freaking way, ever your fault. I already know what your thinking, cause I thought the same for a long time, but we didn't cause the abuse or the rape or whatever else happened to us. It was the sick fucks that did what they did to us, its their fault always. I had a long long list of fears, fear was driving me, driving me to hurt myself, hate myself, attempt suicide too many times, not get help when I needed it, fear of people, sex, noises, docs, hospitals, you name it, I was scared, it was a long freaking list, and trust yeah that was a big one, don't trust anyone, thats how I used to be. Every freaking bad, negative feeling, all the fear all that shit all came from the lifetime of abuse I lived and what the abusive fucks brainwashed me into believing. And then cause of the shit, I ended up with disorders, ha, therapist talk, yeah I have DID, ADD, PTSD, Eating disorder, dyslexic I have it, living it. But you know, the first little bit of change happened when I came to this site and met you guys. Wow like there were other guys here like me, I was not alone anymore. Then, I reached out a little, wow shit , was that what trust was, I took the chance, for then, it was try or die at that point I had nothing much left in me and not much reason to live. Some things got messed up along the way, yeah nothings perfect, but there were guys here that stood by me no matter what. I didn't know it when it was happening but holy shit, me the most un-trusting person in the world was trusting someone, and one someone turned into a lot of someones. Brothers , you know who you are, thanks more than you know for being there for me. To you new guys here, know that this site, the good guys on this site can help give you that chance, that beginning to turn your life around and the support you need to get you through some of the worst shit ever. There is a way out of the dark evil shit bros. Ok so like whats going on with me, way a lot. I'm learning stuff, not just learning it but feeling it in my heart. Heres one, k, for guys that don't know me I was doing this slow self destruct thing, called starving myself. At the worst I was down to 79 pounds and at 5 11 tall thats not too freaking good. Then I was trying to eat and just going up and down. So today guess what bros, I deserve to freaking have food, I deserve to eat , I deserve to treat myself better and not use food or like no food as a way to make myself suffer. I suffered enough. I don't eat and throw up anymore. I deserve to feel good, shit did I just say that, hell yeah I did. Cutting, ha , I think that was becoming a way of life and yeah I didn't just cut, I cut to the point of needing stitches just about every week, kill the pain of the abuse by cutting. I don't cut anymore, I don't want to, don't need it, don't need to hurt myself, thats the trap bros, pain makes us do it, triggers, what the abusers stuck in our heads, the old tapes, let it go bros we deserve better. If you feel like cutting talk, talk to someone here, write about it, vent, post, keep a journal, call someone, anything, blast music , whatever it takes, but theres a way out, a better way to deal with it, but just keep remembering, your life is valuable, all the shit they made us feel and believe, its all lies, not true, you deserve better. don't let all the negative shit rule you. So I eat now,( I don't feel bad about eating anymore) and don't cut, for me thats freaking huge. Memories, flashbacks, nights of hell, no sleep, man you guys know I never use to sleep. I'd go 7 days straight without sleep just to try and not have the nightmares, flashbacks, bad dreams. I sleep now and I'm not having the bad dreams or flashbacks. I can't explain really how that happened, but it goes back to like knowing that I am worth something, knowing that I deserve a better life and then facing the fears, the fears of the memories, and cause my abuse lasted so long and from physical scars on my body, those memories are something I never forgot. I'm not scared of those memories anymore, yeah they are memories that are so freaking bad, besides the S/A I was tortured a lot too, fuck it was freaking beyond hell but it was the past, bad as it was , its past , it happened but it ain't happening now. Don't be scared of it, look at it, know what triggers it, and know that you were the innocent victim of evil, it sucks that there is evil out there, but we had no control over it, it didn't find us cause we were bad or worthless, it just found us for no freaking good reason, if not us it would have been someone else. The why it happened don't freaking matter, the getting better from it does, and we freaking deserve getting better. For the longest time my memories of abuse I thought started at age 5, well I learned different, ha , like I needed to know that I was abused even more, not , but yeah it actually started when I was 3. well at least I had 2 good years as a kid I guess. Oh yeah another huge thing I found out. The birth bitch, shes dead. She died of a drug overdose while she was in jail. Found out she was in jail for selling me to guys. I always knew she was in jail at some point when I was about 11 but I never knew why or what had happened to her. I'm glad shes dead and gone. I don't think about her anymore and I can dump all this hate and anger I been carrying around about her for so long. I'll never forgive her, and like yeah shes worthless shit and I still hate her but I'm not holding the hate, its wasting my time, I want to have a life and thoughts of her just bring me down, so I'm just putting her out of my head, its done, its over, I'll never see her again its the fucking past and I'm letting it go. All this shit, all this change, trust me its not easy, its not easy to face fears, deal with the past , memories, feelings, hurt, pain, all the bad stuff. Its one of the freaking hardest things I ever did. Its weird like, existing in the way I was , having all the bad stuff rule my life, living off the pain n the fears was easier, weird as that sounds. Facing all this shit and kicking it in the ass is freaking hard, at times it tears you up inside but the more you kick back, the easier it gets. The more you feel the freedom of feeling good, like at first it moments, then minutes, then like after a while its like wow had a good day, then maybe 2 good days and little by little you keep kicking and fighting back and then you wake up one day and think wow , I had a whole fucking week of good days for the first time in my whole life, well shit I never want to go back to having the bad. Just keep building on every good second in your life , never forget the good , and use that to keep your strength going to fight the bad. I'm not like all better yet and I still have a lot to get past, but I'm at a place where the fighting back is getting easier and the good feelings are getting stronger, thats what I'm trying to say, it can happen, you got to want to climb out of that bad place and if your here at this site and your reading this, and other posts or going to chat ( yeah my name on chat was Jake2398 or Jake-bh), well if your doing any of that , then you wouldn't be here if you didn't want to change so your making those first steps, keep it going and keep building on it. Find strength in others and take it for yourself and keep going dudes, don't give up. Age, yeah age is a big freaking thing it seems , but it don't matter what age you are, if your older than me or younger than me, shit we all were abused and we still got to heal, like I said just keep finding the way that works for you, its out there if you want it. What else, hmmm, I'm not ashamed to be me any more, cause all the shame and the guilt I was feeling was not mine, it was put on me by the abusers, I bought into their lies and thats the point, its their shame their guilt not mine and I ain't buying into their shit no more, they ain't winning , I am. I think the final worst thing that happened to me was finding out I'm HIV positive. I'm not scared to say it, and I don't care who knows, I did care, but not now. When I found out I thought my life was over, done, I wanted to die, actually I was cutting my wrist just as my Brothers here jumped in and saved my ass just by saying the right things at the right time. I will be forever grateful , you gave up your time, and got me past that point, how can I ever thank you. All I can say is I'm glad I'm alive today. Suicide, been there, bros , live man , don't ever go down that road you know its freaking final. So HIV, it's learning that I was positive that sent me out here, looking for answers in a hurry. But what I was looking for, or thought I was looking for wasn't exactly what I found. Yeah Indian medicine cannot cure HIV but I found here a lot more than what I was looking for. I'm glad I'm alive, I'm cool with being me,I'm healing from the abuse, thats fucking huge. Back to the HIV, ok yeah I had really shitty blood tests that had lots of numbers and percent things and they weren't good but I did start taking this medicine, grrrrrrr more pills lol, but even though the side effects are nasty , I heard it gets better after awhile, well anyway, I was told good shit bout this medicine and like it should help, not cure but maybe Ill be able to live longer. Being here I been learning bout me, bout who I want to be too. I have hope, hell, I never had hope before, but I have it now and thats huge too. Damn I been through so much and wow I'm looking forward to tomorrow, that never happened before in my life ever. K guys I'm getting tired, hope I didn't bore you all to sleep. I'll still be in South Dakota for a while yet. If anyone sent email I can only say I'll read it when I get back, but I'm not sure when exactly that will be. Care so much that you all are hanging in and doing good. I asked the person to post this on members and public cause I know some of my friends don't read both sides lol, anyway miss all you guys so much and yeah it will be cool to come home, and Bros, I'm still trying to make it for July, I'll do my best to be there. To my younger bros Kevin and Charlie, don't think for a second that I ever would forget you. Been thinking bout you a lot. I know its a tough road bros and yeah cause of the age thing you don't have the same freedoms and are facing some different problems just keep being strong bros, your tough and I know you'll keep fighting back, Kevin, Charlie, all my bros, I'm always thinking of all of you everyday and it be cool to talk to you all when I get back.Keep being strong, don't let them win, care bout you all, your bro Jake
