From functional to blinding RAGE in .25 seconds


New Registrant
I became a conduit for my mother's rage. The abuse was always brutally violent and maintaining eye contact was one of her tactics. Unwanted and unknown, it's as if somehow her seething cauldron of rage was slowly and steadily poured into the core of my being.

I'm 41 years old now. I live in a world where blind, seething, stomach-aching rage is always only moments away. It's not my anger. It's not my violence. It was fed me in a long, tortuous, steady stream for the first few years of my life.

It's not about forgiveness anymore. It's not about acceptance, or releasing myself from guilt. The fed rage owns me, consumes me, dictates my very existence. I would give damn near anything to be exorcised of this demon.


Welcome to Male Survivor. Glad that you found us. I think that you will find us to be a caring and understanding bunch of guys. We are all here working together to try to find our freedom. Have you yet read Mic Hunter's book ABUSED BOYS or Mike Lew's book VICTIMS NO LONGER? Both books are high quality first texts for survivors. Other books that I recommend for survivors are several Bradshaw books, HEALING THE SHAME THAT BINDS YOU, THE FAMILY (about recovery from an abusive or dysfunctional upbringing), and HOMECOMING, an inner child recovery text. Another book that I found really helpful in my own recovery is SELF ESTEEM, by Matthew McKay, PH.D. We have our own online bookstore off of the homepage, or these books should be available at Border's or Barnes and Noble too.

You begin to deal with your shame and begin to feel better about yourself. You begin to take chances and begin to experience some successes. Success breeds more confidence and better self-esteem. I used to be very angry at myself and my seeming inabilities. I would fly off of the handle at myself, though others would see my anger and it would drive them away. Once I worked through my issues and established much better self-esteem and self-confidence I wasn't nearly as likely to hold my mistakes against myself as I once was. Have you tried forgiving yourself yet?

Anyway, welcome. Hope that we can be of some help to you. Most of our members post on our Survivor forum. Glad to meet you and to try to help.