To brian_z,
My heart goes out to you. Youve had to make some cold hard choices
that are resulting in the loss of this relatively safe space for you to share
what is in your heart. This is a very rare place indeed that invites us, as
men, to share, although anonymously, very painful secrets. A place to find
at least some comfort and solace surrounding our trauma experiences
and the impact it had on our lives. It is also a place where we can feel
like we are not alone in these experiences and, with the help of a
community, steady a course to recovery.
I want to honor and applaud you for holding your own feet to the fire of
accountability especially to your self.
I became too involved with other
peoples problems, offering more
help than I was able to give, and
asking the same.
I cant imagine anyone on these pages who does not have to struggle
to maintain healthy boundaries and I dont think i would expect you to
be more imperfect than myself or anyone else here. When I was
working with men who were violent and beat their wives, I had to
constantly struggle to respect the struggle the men were dealing with
or not dealing with. I had to constantly tell myself that it was their
struggle and not my struggle to own. I also became aware of how
disrespectful it was for me to even want to take on their struggle as if it
were mine to take on. I wanted to treat them like a child incapable of
dealing with the issues they had to deal with. I believe I was reading
works by the author John Bradshaw at the time.
There were other reasons that
had to do specifically with being
a moderator, the recent events
surrounding the banning of
LionCub, and not having a clear
sense of my own limitations.
If I were to select a moderator, I would want one who had an awareness
that he sometimes was not having a clear sense of my own limitations.
I think any therapist should be aware of that shadow / limitation in
him/herself. What I hear here is the compliment of a teaching moment
which would be a learning moment brian_z.
When I sponsored a 12-Step group for survivors it happened that two of
the group members started their own friendship outside of the group
structure. I was unaware of this relationship at the time. One day one of
them brought it to my attention because the relationship was
disintegrating and it was going to interfere with both of them being in the
group at the same time. All I could do is remind them of the 12-step rules
guiding relationships ( it discourages in-group relationships at least until
the individuals have in recovery programs for two years.) In my head my
role had been made clear to me. I was keeper of the key, both
metaphorically (reminderer of the rules) and in actuality (I had the key
that opened the door). In my heart, because of my issues, boundaries
would always be a struggle. If I failed to maintain my boundaries, shame
always overwhelmed me with a vengeance and self loathing would rule
my day. Somedays my struggle went better than other days. Eventually
both of the men were back on a healthy track and attended group
regularly. They and I stumbled in a very human way.
We as a group stretched the rule about socializing, but we decided it as
a group and met for coffee as a group after every meeting. The discussion
at coffee was soon the purpose for most everyone to come to meeting.
Live and learn, sometimes we just have to see for ourselves what will work
and what will not.
This site has provided me with help and support at a
time in my life when I desperately needed it. I want to
see this site to continue to be a place of healing for
survivors. I know this site will heal from the wounds of
recent events. I wish the best for ALL of you, and I
hope that you will all move forward on your own path
to recovery.
It is still not clear to me why it feels so impossible for you to continue
here. Especially now that you have more experience under your belt both
as a moderator and as a man on his path to healing and self acceptence
We are all on our own path in this life and ours have run along side one
another for a while. We have shared experiences here in that we
have both participated in something together, which is this site. We
have also shared our life experiences with one another. I wish this
would continue, but I accept your decision to end your participation in the
process here. I wish I knew more about what led you to this decision, but
I accept that I do not. I also know there are many paths to recovery and
this is only one of them. I wish you healing on your journey and hope
selfishly that your path will return you here soon.
