Friendship confusion

[VN]

I am not sure of what I am saying here.

I had a visitor, over weekend, who stay with me from Friday to Tuesday morning. This is friend I am not very close with, just someone I work with, and someone who was here for me to work with him on program this year. He is someone very different of me. Younger. Very public, very 'flamboyent', very outrageous things he will say and not care of what people think on him. Very 'outward' person, when I am someone more 'inside'. We have spent time together relating to work before, and some short times together socially, but I do not know him so good. He is bisexual, which I think will be bother to me, as he stay with me for his time here, but true, that was not an issue at all.

This person, he is very amusing, and very open and fun. I had great time, the whole time he was here. We worked together, ate together, just talked and 'hang out' together, and spend time kind of as I would with closer friends. But it was different, because I think, this person, he do not 'know' things of me that some my closer friends do. I did not feel him, he look at me, and I wonder if I am trigger to him, or if he worry of trigger me. It is not as person who know past things of you, and you worry it, wonder if they look at you as pity, or something as that. This person, we just had good time together, even as different cultures, different ages, different personalities, different orientation. There was not 'bagage' of past things, worry of how other person will take what I say. We just joke, we laugh, I laugh more in four days then I think I have in a year.

Now as I write this, I feel almost guilty some. Because my other friends? The two I am most close with, that it is that I cannot have such fun with them? It seem always, there is something emotions happening, and triggers, and even if not, there is the issues we know of each other. Do that make us it is not so 'free' to enjoy friendship with each other? I have friend I love so much, just like is family to me, and his family, they accept me as such, and it is not that I do not have fun with this person. But do it ever go back to 'easy' and 'not importent but fun' things when you do know these things of each other?

I just, I do not want to feel as I am a bad friend.

VN

 

[ScottyTodd]

VN - Many people have confusion about acquaintances, friends, close friends. There are many different types of friends.

An acquaintence is a person with whom we share a particular interest. For example, some one we meet at the pub; if we take drinking away and the pub, there is nothing we have in common. These are acqaintences not friends.

Friends we can meet at the Pub and drink but then may meet elsewhere to play games, take walks and have a good time. Our interests go further than just the Pub.

Good friends we can not only play games with, go to the Pub and have fun BUT we can share parts of ourselves with them. Here there is a personal trust and we can confide some of our secrets with them without fear of rejection, teasing or the 'secret' becoming public.

Close friends we can be completely who we are without fear they will tell others or tease us. These friends we can share our ups and downs, things we are embarrassed or ashamed to share with anyone else and keep a high trust level.

VN, it sounds like you have a friend in this person. You had something in common (work); you like the same fun things; you can share days together without getting on each others nerves; you had a good couple of days.

You also worry about things, perhaps analyze instead of enjoy what is. It sounds to me like you'd be a pretty good friend! I'm glad you have friends like him.

Sometimes we can spend so much time focusing on the things of the past, these begin to become our sole identity.

Howard

 

[markgreyblue]

please,

howard this was so beautifully put

there are so many kinds of friends,

and all levels of interaction

-- personality traights

interests - occupations -

we all must

have life on our own terms

and be ok to relate to the other

on the other's terms too

we are all trying our best with where we are at -

- to have a friend we can meet 'safely'

on most levels

... is a rare and treasured FRIEND indeed.

people who make you feel ok about

you ... faults and all.

 

[Paul1959]

VN
I think there is a relief in not dealing with all our problems with a person who has no ideas what is going on. What you experienced was a "vacation" from your issues. It was a nice break to have fun with someone who just is fun to be with. It's good to have those friends.
But when things are tough and you need help, you probably will not call him because you don't have that kind of relationship with him. He is a good time friend. Your best friends - who know all about you and love you anyway - are the best kind to have.
Now, having said that. You do need to have good times with your good friends. Maybe have an afternoon where you say - no talking about serious stuff today - let's have fun. Those good times with someone you truly love will be even more special. It's a good balance. I try to not talk about all my problems to my friend in case he starts to think of me as just Paul-with-problems. Even married couples have to set rules for certain days - all fun, no bills, no kids, etc.
You are happy - enjoy it. It is like a ray of sun.
Love
Paul

 

[roadrunner]

VN,

I think it's easy to get along with a casual friend who doesn't know any of our secrets. Being with that person is, as Paul puts it, something like a vacation. We can relax; this guy hasn't a clue about us.

But when we are with our REAL friends, those who know everything, and we are going through a bad time ourselves, then it can get rough. Why? Not because we are a bad friend or don't trust those people. But because we have questions and doubts about ourselves and we look to our closest friends to try to detect how they think about us now. We feel terrible about ourselves, and we look to these close friends to see if these terrible feelings are true. We may also feel we have behaved badly or shamefully, and it hurts us to know that these friends know what has happened. Somehow we feel that we have disappointed them. Or we may be so engulfed by our own troubles that, for now at least, we can't hold up our part of the friendship.

One thing that might help you, V, is to know that your REAL friends are with you for the long haul. They aren't going to judge you or abandon you and they won't think badly about you - they know what you are going through, they understand, and they are there for you always. You can talk to them to explain how you feel, and they will listen and support you.

Sometimes, when things get really bad for us, it's difficult to remember all these things. But isn't this what real friendship is all about?

Much love,
Larry