Friends

[DRA]

I've been doing a lot of therapy over the past 2+ years. What I originally thought was one specific case of longer timer (~4 years) of abuse when I was younger turns out to be a continuous stream of abuse (from different sources) starting around age 6 and lasting until I graduated college. It took a bunch of different forms (sexual, emotional, and physical) from both genders and a variety of power structures (teacher, friend, classmate, etc).

When it comes to the "making friends" thing, I feel like I'm not playing with a full deck and the deck I do play with has a bunch of mis-print cards. I seem to be able to do the "seriously dating", relationship, and very close friend thing well. But that grey "hey, we're just cool friends" area is a complete mystery to me.

One of my key perpetrators was a male peer who is a few years older than me. This all happened before I was a teenager. From him, I learned to only value physical intimacy and that, effectively, sex was the only way to validate a person's interest (platonic, romantic, or of any kind) in me. I also developed a huge fear of abandonment and neglect. So, basically, I don't know how to handle the "yeah we're friends" thing. It's just a fucking mystery.

Anyone else feel like this?

Anyone have any insights?

 

[Older1]

Interesting topic, especially for most of us "survivors".
Relationships are so varied, depending upon common interests, shared activities, accessibility, degree of intimacy, ages, length of knowing, role in community/workplace, and degree of "attraction" and magnetism.
Most relationships are governed by rules and boundaries, either formal or informal (understood by default).
Your example of "yeah we're friends" suggests that the relationship is neither mature nor formalized and therefore you must accept some level of "uncertainty". I think that uncertainty is difficult to accept for CSA survivors with abandonment or anxiety issues.
As a first step, it is good to be aware of the degree, style and magnetism of any relationship: acquaintance, close acquaintance, friend, close friend, intimate friend, colleague or peer, attraction, flexibility, position of power versus subordinate, partner, spouse, lover, mistress or boy-toy, etc..etc.
There are no easy formulas in my opinion.