Friends, Sex, and relationships

Friends, Sex, and relationships
S

StrangerInAStrangeLand

Registrant
I envy my friends so much. They both have stable relationships and have sex with their girlfriends all the time. They don't know about my fear of sex and girls. Sex and relationships are a normal part of their lives. When I tried to have sex with my last girlfriend, as soon as I put the condom on, my erection started to falter. I couldn't get it in. I felt so ashamed, discouraged, and frustrated. I didn't know why this happened. I couldn't talk to her about it. I just kept saying that I was a failure. When I told my friends about it, they just laughed. They never stopped to think that it could related to my abuse. No-one has mentioned my SA in months. They pretend it never happened, like I have to do. They can laugh and joke about homosexuality, rape, and sucking dick like any other filthy mouthed teenager. They don't know what it is to feel a slight twinge when you hear someone say "suck my dick" or makes a sly comment about "liking it up the ass." I'm not angry at them, they don't know why this would offend anyone. I am sick of this. I want my old self back. I don't feel the same when I'm attracted to someone. Even though I want sex, I'm scared of it and nervous in sexual situations. My girlfriend was a virgin and I couldn't do it for her...what about someone who knows what they are doing? We broke up, and some time after that, I ended up getting drunk with some girl I barely knew and wasn't really attracted to. She was propositioning for sex, and my impulse was - "she doesn't have any expectations - this is my chance to prove to myself that I can still have sex." Still, I wasn't able to wear the condom, my erection kept falling, and I didn't last very long at all. She said that i looked terrified during sex. Afterwards, I broke down and told her about the SA. We hung out afterwards, but it was somehow uncomfortable. I realized that I didn't really want sex with this person, or to trust her with my secret, regardless of how understanding she did try to be. I used to be somewhat insecure about my sexuality becuase even before the rape, I began to have fantasies and masturbate to porn of sucking dick. I don't understand why it fascinated me, and that's what scared me. After the SA, it came to the point where I would masturbate about it and then feel incredibly guilty almost daily...and yet I couldn't stop myself. When I masturbated, I part of my mind I didn't know "took over" and I all I wanted to do was submit to it. As much as I wanted to extinguish this strange demon, the harder I fought, the harder "he" fought back. It confused me to no end. I no longer masturbate because I can't stem the flood of images. I don't worry about my sexuality anymore, though. I know that I've always been attracted to girls. When I look at a girl, my mind makes that instant analyzation and I know if I'm attracted to her. When I look at a guy, all I see is a guy. I cannot imagine a romantic relationship with another guy. I am not intrigued by anything about men or homosexuality, but the idea of sucking dick has always had a strange hold on my mind. What I would like now is a relationship with someone I can be comfortable with without pressure for sex. But I can't see myself finding it. ***G2G i will finish this post in a little bit***
 
***cont'd***
Everyone my age seems so immature that I can't have a conversation with them or feel comfortable with dumbing myself down, and I forget how smart I can be. The attitude of everyone seems to be to enjoy casual relationships/sex and not worry about trust, intimacy, or any of that yucky stuff. Even if I were to meet someone, what if they wanted sex? I wouldn't be up to it without help and real trust and intimacy. Who wants to put all that work into it? Most people would probably just look for someone who isn't screwed up. I wish I could be so cavalier about sex and all that...but wishing doesn't make it so...
 
StrangerInAStrangeLand,

It is ok to take your time. I do wonder though why you wish you could be so "cavalier ..." .

It is ok to develop relationships w/o sex and then see where they lead.

You sound like you have a lot going for you and have good instincts. It is ok to trust them.

I do not know how old you are (Did you say?) but you sound young in age but quite mature nevertheless. You do not have to do what you do not want to or feel right about.

The people you want to be with will respect that. The ones who do not, you probably do not want to be with anyway.

Take your time.
Freedom
 
Chris,

I know where you're coming from. I felt a lot of the same things, right after the rape and for years after. Still do. I just started working on getting better.

I swear you could be writing my story. Don't let it go for 26 years. Keep working, here, with a therapist, in a group. This board and the chat are great assets, but I don't think any of us can get better with just this.

It's not your fault, dude. You were a victim, you suffered a terrible injury, and it will take time to recover.

Listen to what Freedom said above; it's good advice. Go easy on yourself.

Thanks,

Joe
 
I know relationships are a struggle for almost everyone I have talked to here. My problem was completely opposite from yours. I couldnt have friends. Every person in my life was sexualized, a potential lover. The sex is how I validated their feelings for me. If the loved and cared about me then they should be sexual with me.

The first time with a new person, is always a nervous, tense encounter. Believe me, men struggle much more with what you describe than you realize. The interruption of putting on a condom in the middle of a very uncomfortable moment can really cause you to falter. The abuse is only making it worse, but dont worry. You are very young, and when the right moment comes, it will happen. You just need to find a partner that builds you up, instead of making you feel the weight of your abuse. There is a point were your feelings are so strong for a person that they overwhelm the fears the abuse put in you.

I dont remember you saying whether or not you were seeing anyone about your issues. If not, please do. I remember back before I went to see someone, I had all these fears imagined about how it would be, and why I shouldnt go. Once I went, and started really talking and opening up, I wished I had went sooner. If failing is being caused by the past abuse, you wont get any better until you get help dealing with it. hang in there, and most importantly be kind to yourself as you work through this stuff
 
Hi Chris,

It sounds like you have told quite a few people about your being raped. I am wondering how that has not gotten back to a teacher or counselor in your school who would have to report it to the police.

Gosip in highschools is rampant. It just amazes me that your ordeal has not come to the attention of an adult.

At your age it would be wise of you to avoid sex and drugs. Keep a clear mind and go for big scores on the SAT and ACT.

Peace to you.

Bob
 
Stranger,

I have a lot of these same issues. I too am frigtened of sex, yet it is something I desperately want as is a relationship. Yet cannot imagine anyone wanting to be in a relationship with me because of all this baggage I come with. Further, anyone who would want to be with me, I wouldn't want to put through the pain of having to deal with me while I deal with this shit.

I also know where you are coming from about the joking around. A lot of my friends have what would politely be called an inappropriate sense of humor. To some extent, I do too I guess. But when they joke around about some things I just want to scream out "that is not funny! You have no idea!" Other times it actually is funny, and I find myself chuckling, and then later feeling guilty about it.

Unfortunately, I don't have an answer for you. All I can say is that some of us are suffering through the same shit right now, and others probably have already before us. Hopefully they will be able to add thier words of wisdom to offset my senseless rambling. :)

Take it easy on yourself Stranger, you've been through a hell of a time, and I wish I could do more to help you.

Eric
 
ecb,

It is not the baggage that is important in a relationship but how you deal with it that counts. And concern for the other person as well as yourself. Good communication skills is also a big plus. All these can be developed with time and practice.

And sharing struggles with someone who cares about you can strengthen the relationship and bring people closer together.

You can start small, with something that is least uncomfortable or most comfortable and take from there. Talking to us is a kind of a relationship. Taking it slow is definitely ok.

Best of luck,
Freedom
 
(To "thedean"):I don't know why you say "It sounds like you've told a lot of people." I have said exactly who I have told in previous posts, and the only people at my high school are my 2 best friends, who I have complete trust and confidence in. I have already talked to the police, so no school authority would need to. And your comments about sex, drugs(where's rock n' roll?) and high scores on SAT's were especially empty. Concentrating is hard for me right now. I am dealing with many issues in my life right, in addittion to SA, and big numbers on a peice of paper give me no gratification whatsoever. I don't mean for this to sound like an attack, but I felt I needed to get that off my chest.
 
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