friends are sometimes hard to keep
My friend alan called today, because its my birthday. Total that makes 5 people, including my abuser, my mother. What did he want to do for my 21st birthday? get smashed, of course. When I told him, (as i told him before) that i was through with drugs and drinking, he started to patronize me, saying it was too many self help books talking.
It was too much like when i told him about my mother abusing me, he didnt understand why i couldnt just leave the past behind me. I know he is living with his abusive parents, but i dont care.
He had enough money to move out with me a long time ago, but he was scared. When i left, he blew almost is entire savings on a motorcycle.
I know he recognises part of his problems, but maybe i just have to face the fact that my best friend, maybe my only friend, is not strong enough to stand up for himself. I am so sick of watching my life fall away, realizing that there was nothing but a sham holding it up. Now one of the few real things i had in my life seems to be slipping away.
Alan buries himself in his work and colledge, and spends the rest of the time smoking weed. He is running so hard from his reality, that there isnt any time left to be human anymore. The few good times i remember having were always when i was sober. I never wanted to do drugs, i was just so tired of being left out, of being the invisible man. Drugs dont expand your conscieness, they make you weak, they rob your health and your spirit. All vices do. And this isnt coming from a religious or moral perspective, it is from a humane, ethical one. You start doing drugs too much when you feel like you cant make a difference in the world, when you feel like your actions dont matter.
Everybody has vices, and honestly, getting stoned isnt really that bad, every once in a while. But being a constant pothead means there is something wrong with your life. It means that being stoned is better than being sober, instead of just different. The only drug commercial that ever got to me was the one that showed a couple of middle aged guys smoking weed, and one's mother came home and started bitching about getting a job. That pissed me off, because i knew somewhere that it was true, you could throw away your life on weed or any other vice, chmical or not.
Alan has quit before, and he was happier when he did. I dont want to give up on him, but i am not going to listen to any more shit. Either he can support me, or he can shutup until he leaves his damn parents house. Either way, i am not going to put up with any shit. Too much is happening right now for me to put up with this crap. I am not ready to give up on him, but keeping his fucking mouth shut wont kill him. I just have to make it understood that if he wants to bs about drugs then he can do it elsewhere.
If the time ever comes when it is time to cut him off, i will. I just dont want to make a mistake, i dont want to leave him when i know he isnt ready to help himself, but still wants to change. He will probably get his own place sometime soon, then maybe i can help him open his eyes, the way we have so many times before to realities that other people turn thier backs on.
He hasnt quit school, he is still working full time, and he is getting good grades, so those are good signs. But his parents have insisted he go to colledge on thier ticket, and he will be transfering soon. There is no way he can afford to go to a full fledged colledge on his salary, especially if he he is living on his own. Maybe he could apply for finacial aid, i dont know.
He is not me, and i cant do anything for him. But i dont really care what the moral is, we lived through some rough times together, and i am sick of having to do everything alone. Its not fair, because i have to say goodbye to my family, goodbye to my friends, its like they are all dying. Relationships i pretended where there never were, the happy loving family i thought i had was all bullshit.
As i was typing this, alan just called. He said some pretty fucked up things. He tried telling me that my mother loved me. I told him he didnt know that, he wasnt there. He said yes, he did, and that pissed me off. i said, you werent there when she shoved a suppository up my ass when i was 14. I told him the conversation was over, and he hung up before i could get the last word in.
Fuck. Another piece of my life down the drain.
It was too much like when i told him about my mother abusing me, he didnt understand why i couldnt just leave the past behind me. I know he is living with his abusive parents, but i dont care.
He had enough money to move out with me a long time ago, but he was scared. When i left, he blew almost is entire savings on a motorcycle.
I know he recognises part of his problems, but maybe i just have to face the fact that my best friend, maybe my only friend, is not strong enough to stand up for himself. I am so sick of watching my life fall away, realizing that there was nothing but a sham holding it up. Now one of the few real things i had in my life seems to be slipping away.
Alan buries himself in his work and colledge, and spends the rest of the time smoking weed. He is running so hard from his reality, that there isnt any time left to be human anymore. The few good times i remember having were always when i was sober. I never wanted to do drugs, i was just so tired of being left out, of being the invisible man. Drugs dont expand your conscieness, they make you weak, they rob your health and your spirit. All vices do. And this isnt coming from a religious or moral perspective, it is from a humane, ethical one. You start doing drugs too much when you feel like you cant make a difference in the world, when you feel like your actions dont matter.
Everybody has vices, and honestly, getting stoned isnt really that bad, every once in a while. But being a constant pothead means there is something wrong with your life. It means that being stoned is better than being sober, instead of just different. The only drug commercial that ever got to me was the one that showed a couple of middle aged guys smoking weed, and one's mother came home and started bitching about getting a job. That pissed me off, because i knew somewhere that it was true, you could throw away your life on weed or any other vice, chmical or not.
Alan has quit before, and he was happier when he did. I dont want to give up on him, but i am not going to listen to any more shit. Either he can support me, or he can shutup until he leaves his damn parents house. Either way, i am not going to put up with any shit. Too much is happening right now for me to put up with this crap. I am not ready to give up on him, but keeping his fucking mouth shut wont kill him. I just have to make it understood that if he wants to bs about drugs then he can do it elsewhere.
If the time ever comes when it is time to cut him off, i will. I just dont want to make a mistake, i dont want to leave him when i know he isnt ready to help himself, but still wants to change. He will probably get his own place sometime soon, then maybe i can help him open his eyes, the way we have so many times before to realities that other people turn thier backs on.
He hasnt quit school, he is still working full time, and he is getting good grades, so those are good signs. But his parents have insisted he go to colledge on thier ticket, and he will be transfering soon. There is no way he can afford to go to a full fledged colledge on his salary, especially if he he is living on his own. Maybe he could apply for finacial aid, i dont know.
He is not me, and i cant do anything for him. But i dont really care what the moral is, we lived through some rough times together, and i am sick of having to do everything alone. Its not fair, because i have to say goodbye to my family, goodbye to my friends, its like they are all dying. Relationships i pretended where there never were, the happy loving family i thought i had was all bullshit.
As i was typing this, alan just called. He said some pretty fucked up things. He tried telling me that my mother loved me. I told him he didnt know that, he wasnt there. He said yes, he did, and that pissed me off. i said, you werent there when she shoved a suppository up my ass when i was 14. I told him the conversation was over, and he hung up before i could get the last word in.
Fuck. Another piece of my life down the drain.
