Freedom feels strange

[John Oarc]

I have been feeling so free that it is hard to adjust to it. Recovery is hard as everyone here knows and it does get easier but it is still a challenge. I am not saying that I do not enjoy this new freedom but man it is hard to adjust. For an example; I have been feeling that I have a right to speak my mind without fear of retribution, it feels good but strange. Being hemmed up in the abuse for twenty plus years and not knowing that it was controling my life is not something you just walk away from without feeling strange. I am not saying that I don't think about the abuse or that I do not have any more problems, I am saying that I am feeling a great amount of freedom to be myself and let it flow without fear and it is strange. I feel like I just woke up in this life and all the things that I have don't feel like mine, like I don't need things; job, fancy car or house or people to be happy, just me.

I hope everyone is doing well.

Thanks for listening,

 

[John Oarc]

By the way, I just want to "publicly" say thanks again to the guys who wrote a review of my book on Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble. I do appreciate you very much.

Thanks again,

 

[Nobbynobs]

John,

Welcome to the club.

Nobby

 

[Itsback]

Amen Brother A(friggin)Men

Nice to see the positives on life after abuse


Fight the good fight

Pete

 

[Zipser]

John,

Thanks for posting this. It was a PM topic for me and another member recently and I was a bit reluctant to post on the DB for fear of dissuading others from continuing their path to recovery. It's also been suggested as a topic for our next conference in the fall of 2007 under a generic heading of "Post Breakthrough environment".

I can relate to what you're saying about it being a challenge. It's almost like "Oh no, more work!" but it's different this time, isn't it?

This is also something I'm still trying to get my arms around, as evidenced by this less than clear reply, but I want to thank you for putting this out here for general discussion. You've expressed it very well.

Regards,

Paul

 

[testingWaters]

I wanted to tell you how much I identify with this. I confronted my father and left town for a job. I'm on the road and I am sometimes terrified by realizing how not free I was. It's amazing to be so present, and yet it reminds me (in contrast) of what it was like before and how much time I lost. It is overwhelming, but I now see how much more of my life I could have lost if I hadn't started dealing. Good luck to you all. I'm going to order your book soon.

 

[John Oarc]

TestingWaters has a point. A friend of mine said to me one day when I was down, (I had just recently began dealing with the abuse and its aftermath) He said "Just be glad your not ninety years old and just finding out.

I think I should add this to the post;

Hearing that the end is difficult should not be something that keeps you from trying to achieve recovery, change is not easy in any process, it takes courage and time and that is the most difficult part about it to me. I want it sooner than later and I have to watch out for that.
Each step in the recovery process is a difficult one and the final stages are no different. Difficult in the sense that change is sometimes difficult for many and this is no exception. I think change is the key to everything here. I lived in silence for so long that I did not know opening it up was essential for the healing process, I actually believed that I had no problems, that I had gotten over it but without professional counseling to point me in the right direction I was lost to my own interpratation of how life should or could be lived. A life full of joy and peace was covered with a hidden blanket of self loathing and I had no idea that I had this going on.

"Fight the good fight" man I love that one.

Hope and faith in front of you at all times is a difficult task but worth everything in the end.

 

[roadrunner]

John,

I wrote about that feeling late last year, not realizing that it was freedom! I had much the same feeling that you describe; I felt like I was rediscovering myself and that anything was possible. I felt incredibly powerful and renewed, but at the same time apprehensive about what to do with these feelings and resources. It was rather like discovering that one can walk, but not knowing in which direction to go now, or how fast, or for how long, or for what purpose.

Much love,
Larry

 

[testingWaters]

I just wanted to add a little more, because I am coming to realize that I am a bit further in the healing process than I had realized. Most of what I have left to sort out is, I think, what I want to do with my experience - how I can help others who are too vulnerable to protect themselves or even know what to do, and I have alot of unfinished responsibilities to other people that I need to deal with. But everyday I pinch myself and think - this is too good to be true. I know how ironic that is, because it means acceptance of so much loss and grief and literally being victimized. Yet acceptance also seems to mean, *finally* not being a victim anymore. I feel sane, able to connect with others, and maybe best of all, I realize that I am much more attractive than I ever thought (don't get me wrong on that one - I'm no super model, but I can see now that most of my ideas about my appearance were not based in reality) Some of this might sound weird, so forgive me, but I have done so so much work in the past few years learning to relax and take care of myself and just having confidence in my perceptions and ability to separate memory from fantasy is so, so, liberating. It's like time has slowed down drastically because I am so much more able to focus and a huge ambiguous clutter has diminished. I still feel the need to qualify things and let you all know that I realize this will always be with me, that there is no way to exorcise it, but I can deal just fine. I guess what I'm saying is I'm really happy and really grounded right now and that I feel like I deserve it. Thanks for reading. Be brave, be brave, be brave. I will think of all of you.

 

[John Oarc]

You know I think we have this common thread regarding change, changing into who we really are is not something easy to do. We were not meant to be complete in one day we were meant to evolve so to say into adults, gradualy over the years.

I think we have been stopped in that evolutionary process by the abuse and that is the main difference between us and the people who were not abused. Most of us broke out secondary to a significant trauma in our teens or adult life and it led us to awaken from the haze of abuse and then the evolution began. Changing, accepting, loving others and ourselves is not something we had the privilege to experience over time, we were not able to adjust until we began the process of recovery and that is why it is difficult in my opinion, i.e. the strange feeling we get when we become free or our true self.

I am for all of you guys not matter how bad you think you have been and no matter how much you think you do not deserve it, I love all of you.