Free Association writing ends in a trance.

Free Association writing ends in a trance.
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DanielB

Registrant
The other day I tried free association writing to see if it would help me figure out what happened to me. I am sure I was abused as a child but have very little concious memory of what happened. Also had no idea who the perp is. Free assoc., for those who dont know, is basicaly just writing down whatever comes to mind w/ out filtering it no matter how silly or irrevelant the thoughts may seem. My T suggested I try this when I asked her how I could remember what happened to me at such a young age.

Started writing lying in bed. The first few pages were basicaly ramblings, then I was writing about a time my mother left me alone w/ my dad (i was 3 or 4 at the time) I started feeling chills. I wrote all the feelings I was having while writing. I was out side crying that I didnt want her to go. My dad smacked me in head. She just kept going. After that, things got really hazy. Started to feel my eyes closing and felt really high (but kept on writing). The feelings came in waves. I was in a trance after a while. I vaguely remember writing some things and have no recolection of others.

When I finished I must have passed out. When I woke up, I read what I had written and there were many pages I didnt remember. In the writings I was having conversations w/ myself.
Present tense. The hand writting was changing constantly. It seems like there were a few of me going back and forth. One was me as a child and the other was asking the child what happened, and the child wouldn't tell. This went on for a page. Me trying to get my inner child to tell me what happened. When I gave up asking, I wrote: " Thought he would break but he wouldn't. He is me back then...I protect him." I went on to write some profanity, when I wrote (in a completly different hand writting) "leave him alone, he's been through enough."

The more times I read it I keep thinking I have a mult. personality disorder. These different versions of me don't have seperate names or anything like that, but I cant come up w/ any other explaination. There are many times when talking to my wife that I'll say something and she'll explain that we already talked about that. I thought that I just wasnt paying attention but most recently she said we had a full conversation that I have no recolection of.

In between all the conversations written, it seems that an act of abuse going on. I am in the bathroom and someone comes in. I say who are you, why are you here? then I feel a wave of sedation hit me and some other character (me) starts talking. This goes on for a page or two then the child comes back asking for help and some graphic details are told, then again another me takes over. The last page there is a finish and I write that I dont want to get up or I "wont be high anymore." Someone else say "relax, breath, and sleep." Then I fell asleep.

I wouldn't believe it if I didn't write it myself. Any help would be appreciated

Dan
 
I'm sorry but all my experiences were when I was quite old enough to remember.

That having been said, I would also say that you're not alone as far as many others coming here and wondering the very same thing.

Wow, are you suspecting that you were drugged, then abused?
 
It's possible. My dad was a heroin addict. And when I was 5, after coming home from a visit w/ him, I got very sick. Doctors said it was a parasite not found in this country. Was thinking maybe parasite was in the drugs. Heroin, coming from the poppy plant, may have had it. I havent found any documentation on parasites found in heroin. Who knows.
 
Hi DanielB,

I did something similar a few years ago.

I decided to try writing with my non-dominate hand. I bought some crayons, paper and went to a park and started to draw with my dominate hand first and drew some pictures without thought, just doing it.

I then tried my other hand and had an explosion of fear that i had never experienced before as i drew. I heard this little voice talking to me.

I was scared for about a week after that. That was over a year ago and i found out i had others inside also.

Here a link that i got from the MS web site where i got info about MP/DID.

https://www.sidran.org/didbr.html

Want to talk more about it further give me a PM if you are comfortable.

Take Care, H.I
 
I have done studies on multiple personality disorders and from what I hear, I don't think that you have a condition that could be classified as a disorder, however, I am also not a Psychologist.

When I first became aware of my inner child, I was affraid as well and similar thoughts to yours, ran through my head. The inner child is something that is there inside of us but there is probably no need to look at him as a disorder. He is a subconscious remnant of past memories of abuse. I sometimes meditate, and envision myself having a long conversation with him and I find out what he wants and how he's feeling. I let him know I'll protect him so he feels safe.

It is a technique that is very effective for healing. My guess is that you have nothing to worry about.

Be strong,
Jason
 
I just read the post referred to by H.I. We as C.S.A. survivors have multiple disorders such as PTSD, anxiety disorders, multiple levels of depression, etc.. Perhaps the issue you speak of may be a disorder afterall. If you ever read up on the DSM-IV which is a book and a system used by the American Psychological Association (APA) to diagnose disorders{forgive me if you already knew that}. You'll find in order for a behavior or symptom to be classified as a disorder, it must, in fact, interfere with a persons life and their ability to function. Now, perhaps asking yourself, "does it interfere with my personal life or ability to function?" may be necessary in you situation.

Personally, the little voice inside of me and my choice to hear him, I believe, is helping me to heal. It is not my choice that he exists, but it is my choice to pay attention to him and listen to what he says. That voice has enabled me to cry when I couldn't. It has enabled me to feel whole. To express anger when I couldn't, and helped give me a sense that justice is starting to be served for the aweful things that happened to me, 'or him' as a child. Honestly, that voice doesn't hinder me, it helps me.

If it IS a disorder in my case, then I guess I'll just chalk it up with all of the rest of them LOL.

Much love
Jason

P.S. Thanks for the post H.I. I may use that site for future reference.
 
Hey DanielB,
I hope your doing better now.
I could believe what hapened to you, that you feel and are in ther same way than an abuse person, but you dont remember.

I'm new here and I wrote something(a post) about something close to what hapened to you. I pretty shour I've got sexuelly abuse by my father, but and can't remember because i think it was before I was 4 years old.

I have a question for you; How did do you do that exactly your trance, because I did it whit my good hand and it didn't work.

Also, do you remember the time before you were 5 years old?

And, it would be realy appreciate if you can tell me more about the way you associate yourelf to a sexual child abuse, ( I mean, did you had some proble like I have that you can read on my post; my story).


take care Daniel
 
Daniel,

Heroin is so heavily processed and refined that any live organisms in the original plant product would have been killed off far earlier in the process. But parasites may have come in with other recreational drugs your father used, like marijuana. As a little boy you may have got your fingers in it.

It sounds like you are discovering some very troubling moments from your childhood and I hope you are working on all this regularly with your T. Cases where a survivor has incomplete or lost memories can get really difficult, and of course when you recover something significant it can be very traumatic. Good luck, and I hope you will continue to talk about things here.

Much love,
Larry
 
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