Free Association, IV

Free Association, IV
D

Don-NY

Registrant
I've been thinking and worrying sometimes like this.

Now what do I do?
What am I supposed to be?
Who am I supposed to be?
WHAT DO I WANT?

And I can't say for sure that I can answer these all, YET, but I can see where a lot of limits, a lot of useless pointless restrictions are fading away. They're not all gone yet, not ny far, but they're weak and failing. They're a bunch of lies and excuses and crutches that I'm seeing I don't need.

And I've been thinking, with the world as it is, and the daily news being so bad, and the truly offensive handling of the 9/11 anniversary by the media, just what must I do to be sure that I am not part of the world's problems.

How can I be a Real Man, or put another way, maybe a better way, How can I be a Real Human Being. I mean, a set of genitals, a sexual preference, what difference does that really, really make?

What do I do? How shall I live?

This is what I have come up with. Partly, I put this together to have something that I created to share at the retreat next week and I want to share it with you all first.

I know I am a Real Man because these are the ideals to which I aspire:
Take care of yourself so you can take care of who and what you care for.
Make sure you do not prevent others from taking the same care.
Honor, protect, and preserve Life.
Throw out the trash: The physical, the mental, and the emotional trash.
Do your share. And then do more if you are able.
Speak the Truth. Seek the Truth. If it eludes you, or you decide it is unknowable, then...
Have Faith. At the very least, have Faith in Life. Start there.
Ask for help. Ask for Love. Give them freely.
Click to expand...
Take care guys. Love to you all.

Donald
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You can be Captain of your ship, but notof the Sea
 
STOKED!

I am in awe of all that you shared today. I know that you will come back from the retreat with even more growth and healing. Your sharing here is a gift. Thank you. ....t
 
Donald,

Your message is powerful. It'll help me this week a great deal. I'm sad that I'm not going to the retreat in NY. I think it could be a great experience. I feel very much alone with all of what I'm dealing with, and the comraderie alone would be great. I've started to deal with some of my SA stuff head-on in the past couple of months, have seen a new therapist 5-6 times, and have begun a deeper level of "digging." I don't feel real stable right now. I'm not on any meds, and I'm not sure I need or want to be. We'll see. I think I could gain a lot of knowledge there, but maybe I can get that from all of you when you come back and share here. Frankly, a real concern is the degree to which there might be "acting out" at the retreat; the approach/avoidance of that is intimidating and anxiety producing to me. I hope all the retreatants are careful, and that there are plenty of trail signs steering men back into a safe clearing so that they don't head off down some short-lived re-enacting dissociative path that they'll regret later.

I wish all of you SAFETY, GROWTH, FELLOWSHIP, and, as always, PEACE.

It takes a lot of courage to go to one of these events. I hope I can go to one in the future.

JM
 
Don,

These free association posts are very helpful and inspiring to me. Hopefully some day I'll get to where you are. Your sharing this way is a big help. Please, more free associations. More free associations. Like Roy, I'm in a world of shame, anger and other bad stuff right now, and these posts help a lot.

Ryan
 
Ryan,

Thank you. I promise there will be more.

Donald
 
I feel at a loss sometimes when I feel like I have a little bit of extra energy and I don't want to do recovery work. Because then I confront my identity crisis: I don't want to do recovery for the rest of my life, and I don't want to be the way I was before, and all my plans are based on that old thinking, so who am I? what do I like to do? what are my feelings? why do I do things? what will I do with my life? what should I do with the 20 minutes' worth of enthusiasm I had this afternoon?
 
Ryan, I feel that way much of the time. I don't want to be the way I was and I don't want to be a professional survivor any more than I want to be a professional gay person. Both are aspects of who I am but they are just parts. On top of all that I turned 40 last November. Where do I go from here? Who am I? It's kind of scary. Actually, it's terrifying!
 
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