freaking out...just saw him and snubbed him!!!
freaking out...just saw him and snubbed him!!!
- Thread starterkuurt
- Start date
The Seeker
Registrant
Kurt,
Good for you! It doesn't sound like he still has control over you....you sent him away! Just because seeing him affects how you feel doesn't mean he has control over you. It just means that it causes you to have feelings, it is just that those feelings are negative mostly. The same is true for you favorite person, or toy, or whatever. Seeing them often envokes some feeling response, but doesn't mean they have control over you.
Again, good for you! Sounds like you have some boundaries going for you. That is a good thing. I wish I had started that when I was younger, it would have been much easier on me.
Way to go!
Peace.
John
Good for you! It doesn't sound like he still has control over you....you sent him away! Just because seeing him affects how you feel doesn't mean he has control over you. It just means that it causes you to have feelings, it is just that those feelings are negative mostly. The same is true for you favorite person, or toy, or whatever. Seeing them often envokes some feeling response, but doesn't mean they have control over you.
Again, good for you! Sounds like you have some boundaries going for you. That is a good thing. I wish I had started that when I was younger, it would have been much easier on me.
Way to go!
Peace.
John
reality2k4
Registrant
Kuurt,
firstly, you are obviously scared of this perp, with good reason.
He has no business calling you at your house, he is harrassing you, and I would think about reporting him, but that is your judgement.
He may have just called to wonder whether you had reported him, as perps are clever, and will try and discover if you have disclosed on them.
I am glad that you were able to get rid of him, but if he comes back then it may be wise to tell him that you will report him.
That is your decision, but he may be doing things to other boys without detection of the law.
Perps think that what they do is love, when it is hurt, and you know the difference, they dont.
He will maybe just want to carry on, or as I guess, just want to sense that you have not reported him, I hope it is the latter.
The only way to shake a perp off, is to say that you will report, but that is up to you.
If you report him, he will maybe stopped in his tracks, if you dont you regret it, get the picture.
Yeah, its always our fault/ sorry, my fault, anybodys but theirs.
The only thing that one of the perps did not do in my life was not call at my door, but every door knock was like hell, in case he was there.
It would never have happened, but little boys dont think that way.
I was more interested in getting homework done thinking about perps waiting out there for me to come out and play.
The only way I got one perp off my case, was to tell him that I would report him, and he said that nobody would believe me.
I just said OK, let the police sort it, and I never saw him again after him following me for years.
Then I felt the guilt of not reporting him, because he would have set his sights on another innocent boy.
ste
firstly, you are obviously scared of this perp, with good reason.
He has no business calling you at your house, he is harrassing you, and I would think about reporting him, but that is your judgement.
He may have just called to wonder whether you had reported him, as perps are clever, and will try and discover if you have disclosed on them.
I am glad that you were able to get rid of him, but if he comes back then it may be wise to tell him that you will report him.
That is your decision, but he may be doing things to other boys without detection of the law.
Perps think that what they do is love, when it is hurt, and you know the difference, they dont.
He will maybe just want to carry on, or as I guess, just want to sense that you have not reported him, I hope it is the latter.
The only way to shake a perp off, is to say that you will report, but that is up to you.
If you report him, he will maybe stopped in his tracks, if you dont you regret it, get the picture.
Yeah, its always our fault/ sorry, my fault, anybodys but theirs.
The only thing that one of the perps did not do in my life was not call at my door, but every door knock was like hell, in case he was there.
It would never have happened, but little boys dont think that way.
I was more interested in getting homework done thinking about perps waiting out there for me to come out and play.
The only way I got one perp off my case, was to tell him that I would report him, and he said that nobody would believe me.
I just said OK, let the police sort it, and I never saw him again after him following me for years.
Then I felt the guilt of not reporting him, because he would have set his sights on another innocent boy.
ste
roadrunner
Registrant
Kurt,
A 15 yo boy has every reason to be scared of the abuser who hurt him. This one is carved in stone bro!!!!!
It was a brave thing you did to not let him into the house. He isn't an idiot and he will know why you refused to open the door. You stood up to him and he knows it!
You ask about fear. Yes, as you get older and work on your recovery this will become less. And eventually you will not be afriad at all. That is what recovery is all about: reaching the point where these memories can no longer harm us.
Kurt, a lot of the feelings you have right now are the feelings of a boy still dealing with the turmoil of growing up in general, and others have to do with the abuse you suffered. There is also the fact that unlike so many others who will sit quietly and suffer for years, you are starting out on your recovery early. That is such an amazing and cool thing bro. The down side is that you will be dealing with a lot of heavy feelings and emotions at a young age, but the reward is that you will get your life back far earlier than many others.
Much love,
Larry
A 15 yo boy has every reason to be scared of the abuser who hurt him. This one is carved in stone bro!!!!!
It was a brave thing you did to not let him into the house. He isn't an idiot and he will know why you refused to open the door. You stood up to him and he knows it!
You ask about fear. Yes, as you get older and work on your recovery this will become less. And eventually you will not be afriad at all. That is what recovery is all about: reaching the point where these memories can no longer harm us.
Kurt, a lot of the feelings you have right now are the feelings of a boy still dealing with the turmoil of growing up in general, and others have to do with the abuse you suffered. There is also the fact that unlike so many others who will sit quietly and suffer for years, you are starting out on your recovery early. That is such an amazing and cool thing bro. The down side is that you will be dealing with a lot of heavy feelings and emotions at a young age, but the reward is that you will get your life back far earlier than many others.
Much love,
Larry
I can relate to your experience. My 2nd perp did stuff to me from 10 to 13 or 14, after that I stopped hanging out with him, but he kept showing up at my house, he was 4 years older.
Anyway, remember YOU DO HAVE POWER! You hold the card that you might tell, he knows that. And now you know he was an adult and completely liable. He knows that and wants you to feel guilty too. But it wasn't your fault.
Will you get over being scared? I don't know. As I got older I got to the point where I just felt uncomfortable, and irritated, if I saw the perp around the neighborhood. I realized what a loser he was.
I'd avoid your perp at all costs (obviously), he'll try to convince you you wanted it to happen. I wasn't ready to tell on my 2nd perp, and he was trying to convince me we were friends.
I don't know your situation, it sounds like your perp has your mom conned. I don't know what to tell you to do, if you're not ready to go to the authorities. Try to find someone to back you up; tell your mom you feel strange hanging out with someone so much older. Tell your perp you don't have time to spend with him because of school, etc. Or tell your perp you didn't realize how nuch older he is, and you want to hang out with guys your own age. Don't get into a discussion about what happened, he'll try to manipulate your feelings. If it happens, remind him that if anyone finds out what he did (not "we") it would be bad.
My heart goes out to you. I wish I could be on your porch when he came over. But you have power, don't forget that.
Anyway, remember YOU DO HAVE POWER! You hold the card that you might tell, he knows that. And now you know he was an adult and completely liable. He knows that and wants you to feel guilty too. But it wasn't your fault.
Will you get over being scared? I don't know. As I got older I got to the point where I just felt uncomfortable, and irritated, if I saw the perp around the neighborhood. I realized what a loser he was.
I'd avoid your perp at all costs (obviously), he'll try to convince you you wanted it to happen. I wasn't ready to tell on my 2nd perp, and he was trying to convince me we were friends.
I don't know your situation, it sounds like your perp has your mom conned. I don't know what to tell you to do, if you're not ready to go to the authorities. Try to find someone to back you up; tell your mom you feel strange hanging out with someone so much older. Tell your perp you don't have time to spend with him because of school, etc. Or tell your perp you didn't realize how nuch older he is, and you want to hang out with guys your own age. Don't get into a discussion about what happened, he'll try to manipulate your feelings. If it happens, remind him that if anyone finds out what he did (not "we") it would be bad.
My heart goes out to you. I wish I could be on your porch when he came over. But you have power, don't forget that.
endlessjourney
Registrant
Kurt,
The fear you speak of will subside the more and more you stand up to your brother. Basically, your regaining territory that you had lost when you were so young. Sometimes its tricky to know when to act. Its always good to use your gut and trust your feelings. "Hey bro Let's hang out its my birthday" sounds like someone saying "hey! I really screwed your life up, lets go get coffee!", as if nothing even happened although both of you know what really happened. Keep standin your ground. You're on the right track!
Jason
The fear you speak of will subside the more and more you stand up to your brother. Basically, your regaining territory that you had lost when you were so young. Sometimes its tricky to know when to act. Its always good to use your gut and trust your feelings. "Hey bro Let's hang out its my birthday" sounds like someone saying "hey! I really screwed your life up, lets go get coffee!", as if nothing even happened although both of you know what really happened. Keep standin your ground. You're on the right track!
Jason
Give me five kuurt! That was an awesome thing to do! Keep up the good work. Everytime you leave him out in the cold, your feelings of guilt will be less. And sooner or later, he will get the idea that you don't want to see him anymore, and he'll know why. I don't think he will do anything because you standing up to him shows that you are strong and perps don't like strong kids, they're afraid of them.
Hang in there because you are worth it.
Darrel
Hang in there because you are worth it.
Darrel
Morning Star
Registrant
I feel snubbing or shutting is fine, if you are too scared to handle the person. But gradually you would need to bring yourself to face them with courage and fortitude, he cant hurt if you dont allow him to.
I snubbed my father who physically and emotionally abused me while growing for many years, I felt safe, but I wasn't I was just secluded with a false sense of power, for I hadn't tested it. So now I talk to him openly and lovingly, but dont take any non sense from him. But that I have waited 20 years to do that is a different thing!
The real and professional world is full of many such men lurking around, and part of getting my power back was to confront them and let them know that I stand up for myself, am no longer vulnerable to their manipulation or power control.
And the more you undertsand thier game,the easier it gets to break thier control. 'b coz inside they just sad little insecure creatures looking for a weak link, but I am not the weak link any more. Part of my training to get my power back is to face those people and not buckle up under pressure every time. Gradually after a few failure, I realise exactly where I let go of control, now I am more vigilant.
Today I can say that those experiences have empowered me against any such experience in the future. Having learnt your lesson, their is only one way to test it, that is by going thru the same situations again. But that doesn't mean jumping into crazy situations deliberately but confronting them when they arise in your life, when they come knocking, for they will till you learn to stand up against them, and understand that you can proect yourself, because you can. YOU are as strong as you think you are.
Today I see such situations as lessons in empowerment. And see them opportunities to grow into myself, and get my power back, just the way I lost it.
I snubbed my father who physically and emotionally abused me while growing for many years, I felt safe, but I wasn't I was just secluded with a false sense of power, for I hadn't tested it. So now I talk to him openly and lovingly, but dont take any non sense from him. But that I have waited 20 years to do that is a different thing!
The real and professional world is full of many such men lurking around, and part of getting my power back was to confront them and let them know that I stand up for myself, am no longer vulnerable to their manipulation or power control.
And the more you undertsand thier game,the easier it gets to break thier control. 'b coz inside they just sad little insecure creatures looking for a weak link, but I am not the weak link any more. Part of my training to get my power back is to face those people and not buckle up under pressure every time. Gradually after a few failure, I realise exactly where I let go of control, now I am more vigilant.
Today I can say that those experiences have empowered me against any such experience in the future. Having learnt your lesson, their is only one way to test it, that is by going thru the same situations again. But that doesn't mean jumping into crazy situations deliberately but confronting them when they arise in your life, when they come knocking, for they will till you learn to stand up against them, and understand that you can proect yourself, because you can. YOU are as strong as you think you are.
Today I see such situations as lessons in empowerment. And see them opportunities to grow into myself, and get my power back, just the way I lost it.