freaked out during sex *trigger?*

[phoster]

I am not sure how to feel this morning. Last night I had something happen that has never happened before. My wife likes when I am aggressive in bed sometimes. I think she wants me to take control more, so I tried to give her what she wanted. Gawd, I hated it. I have never hated it before. I have always considered my sexual prowess as one thing that was special about me, but last night I just disassociated completely when I did this. My wife had a good time I think because I went forever. I went forever because I wasnt there. All I could imagine was my abuse, and how I missed the feeling she was enjoying. Why suddenly do I miss being used and taken? My mind just kept racing and I filled with this need for her to overpower me to take control and force her self on me. I guess I am confused because I have never had anything so powerful that it overwhelmed me like that. Only after we stopped, and I took time to completely get my head out of it could I finally finish. Still, even then I was filled with these feelings and needs I have never had before. It is scary really. All I want is to enjoy our newfound closeness and come together out of love and passion. Am I asking so much? I hate living through this sometimes.

We talked, I told her I didnt know what happened, but that I didnt like it. She said she enjoyed it, and that I was good at it. I just dont know if I can give that part of me to her any more, and I told her so. I think she was disappointed, but she said she understood.

We picked back it up in a more slow manner, and avoided the aggressive stuff. It took that for me to get back into it, but frankly, even then I couldnt say I was enjoying it like I have in my past. I guess I am frustrated and upset. You guys are where I go to vent when Im upset, so thanks for reading.

 

[ARW]

"My mind just kept racing and I filled with this need for her to overpower me to take control and force her self on me."

yeah, man. I hear that. In fact I hear it every time I even get in someone's physical proximity. And from the beginning of my sexual life (my SA was pre-pubescent), I can't get the machinery to work, oh about 9 times out of 10.

The associations we have with sex are so profound, and seemingly impossible to quell. I'm really sorry you had that experience. But you sound like your relationship is healthy otherwise. That's a blessing to count.

-al

 

[phoster]

thanks.

we were not always so healthy, and still have a long ways to go. only months ago, we went through a really rocky period. i was feeling rejected and alone, not a good combo for me. our communications broke down completely, to the point where i think we were close to coming unglued. when we finally laid our cards on the table, i promised myself i would never do that again. from now on, i'm going to speak up before things get so bad.

i'm sorry you struggle so badly with physical closeness. i know how hard it can be.

phoster