Fragility, or the need to be gentle with each other.

[crisispoint]

Without knowing the details (and I'm glad I don't), I've read some posts here concerning an incident between some of the brothers last night. This has gotten me thinking on a topic I've spoken about before, but I think needs to be brought up again.

We're in a unique environment here. Almost everyone who comes to this site is hurting in some way from some kind of abuse. It's a wonderful thing to be able to talk about our individual hurt in a way that's both intimate and anonymous. I know it's helped me to get out pretty disturbing stuff.

But on the other hand, either on the board or on the site, we can't see each other or hear each other's voices. We don't know how something is being said or how it's being taken until it's too late.

The idea that it's only words, that it doesn't hurt as much, is pure, unadulterated, 100 percent bulls**t. I think many of us can speak to the power of words and how they're used can either heal or wound deeper than any knife, fist, or bullet.

We're fragile here, even those who don't want to admit it. No one is too tough to hurt. Some even pride themselves on having a thick skin, but find things that can get under it. We all have chinks in our armor that can be exploited.

So, when we're "talking" to each other on this virtual medium, we need to be careful with what we say, and we need to take a second to assess what someone means when they say it. All it takes to hurt someone for years is a careless word or knee-jerk response. This can happen between even those who love each other.

Remember that we're all hurting. Be gentle with each other, love each other as you want to be yourself, because love is the only way we're going to heal. Love is the only way we're going to know WHAT "love" is.

Unless someone has revealed themselves to be an utter tool, I love everyone here. I hope we can be as careful with each other as we can.

Peace and love,

Scot

 

[Aden]

Scot,

This is an issue that I also attempted to address in the last week. You are entirely in what you have said. And I would like to stress your point.

What we write is not the same thing that you read. These words that I write are spoken in my head and heard with my voice. What you read is heard in your own head and in your own voice.

Before you allow yourself to become offended, take a step back. Ask yourself, Is it this brothers intention to hurt me? Could it be simply that we havent come to a complete understanding of how we want to be spoken to or what subjects we have no humor about?

Give the person who is writing to you the benefit of doubt. They care enough about you to take the time to share their thoughts with you. Read their words as if you really believed that they are being spoken by a friend.

Writing is so much harder than listening. Unless we are to go on for ever, we have to edit ourselves and try to say what we want in a much smaller space than the expanse of our thoughts allows. That leaves a lot of space between the lines. Try to give a guy a break. Dont put your own crap between my lines. I took all of the time to take out my own crap and dont need you adding yours.

But we fail in the attempt at perfect communication. Tomorrow I will say I am sorry. Will you forgive me?

Aden

 

[reality2k4]

Scot

I see this problem in the group, but hey, it is not as big when you think about it, but it needs assressing.

In any group, you will get differences, but to put together a group with so much hurt, is it any wonder that we will irk each other. Words can be the source of a lot of hurt, we all should be aware of that.

I'm sorry this is going on, let us be

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Brothers}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}



ste

 

[Arthur]

When I was little my mother would quote a little poem to me when ever I came home with my feelings hurt:

Sticks and stones may break my bones,
but words can never hurt me.

I never felt better when I said this poem to myself and I grew to dislike it because it didn't work for me (Actually, I look back on it and I realize I didn't like the poem because I felt even more defective and liked myself less because the poem was supposed to help me and it didn't).

I heard a better version of the poem (and I like this one) in a therapy group:

Sticks and stones may break my bones,
but words can break your heart.

Anyway, my policy is that if I feel hurt or offended by something someone says or does I want to ask them for explain themselves a little more and I tell them I'm not sure I understood exactly where they were coming from and I'd like to know.
Taking this approach has helped me to avoid conflict (or protect myself on the few ocassions they did intend to cause hurt) and it has taught me a lot about how other people think and how they see things differently than I do.

Scott, thanks for your post. I see you as a very caring person and I'm glad to know you.

Art

 

[Leosha]

Thank you Scot, for your thoughtfulness and your gentleness in dealing with others here.

I posted something based on frustration, maybe some anger, and for certain, exhaustion. I was expecting many negative responses, either to the post or via PM. I received none. Only respect and support, even from several people who had some difference in point of view.

There are differing views of 'how' to say things to other people. Of course, it depends on the person, and what the relationship between the two is. I would post a response to Outis, whom I have known for over a year now and have talked with away from this forum, differently then a response to a new person.

I guess it is just a matter of trying to treat others in the way we wish to be treated. What is that, the 'golden rule'?

Again, thank you for posting this.

leosha