I felt much like you do, and even this last weekend, I heard the voices again. It's interesting that you used the image of a shattered mirror. There's a book I read one time called "Rebuilding Shattered Lives", and it was about the treatment of dissociative disorders.
It's a defense mechanism we used to survive. Our minds protect themselves by splitting the trauma off into "somebody else". Everything I'm saying here is from my experience, not what the books say, so your doctor may not agree.
What I found is that there is a pure core inside of us, the little boy that must be protected no matter what. And I'm not talking about being protected from violence. The little boy must be loved unconditionally, and for some of us, there was no one to turn to, no place to find that safety and love in reality, so my mind turned inward. It wasn't the pure little boy that was beaten and raped. It was an older, blonde rebel that (and I can feel him even now) lured my uncle in because I was beautiful and liked that sick lifestyle. The fiction gave me the illusion of control over something the pure little boy could not control. And in order for this Rebel to protect me, I was safely tucked away, watching from the ceiling as the horrors of abuse were done to Rebel, and not to me. That's the beginning of the split. If I was abused many times, I don't know about it, because "I" wasn't there. After a while, other parts took on other roles to protect me. The blonde rebel dealt with the SA, but another protected me from my violent father, another could deal with the falsehood of our "perfect" family in public.
And they do talk. That's the secret to healing. The blonde rebel in me had to deal with the abuse as it really was, that he could not control it. The little boy had to deal with the reality that the abuse happened to ME and not someone else. Each part had to feel the pain from its own perspective. As they realized the "games" each was playing, they melted into the background of my mind to the point where today they don't control me. Occasionally the knee-jerk protective parts will jump out and I'll ask my wife, "Did that sound weird? I couldn't tell?" She'll tell me if it was me or if it was "unusual". It rarely happens anymore.
The first time my therapist used the word "games" with me, I was so angry, like this was some happy game I was playing? I've come to realize that it was a game, a necessary game, but still a fiction. I had to stop calling myself "him" and start owning my past. My uncle SA me. He didn't abuse a part or somebody else. He abused me. Once I started owning my past and understanding why each part played the role it did, I got better. And when they fight, it's just my brain trying to protect me from something. I look to see what that something is. Last week it was safety, uncertainty. I was scared. If I do whatever it takes to feel safe again, the voices die down a little. If the voices are attacking me or each other, I try to talk to them, listen to concerns and try to reassure them that "Big [ForeverFighting]" can take care of them. If they won't listen, I get my therapist to talk to them.
There's nothing crazy about dissociation. It's the sanest thing a little kid can do to protect himself in his own mind. It's a learned response to terror. We did the best we could under impossible circumstances. It's when the dissociation is still trying to protect us when we don't need protecting that we need help. I walked past a lot of doctors before I found one that dealt specifically with dissociative disorders. It has to be a therapist who won't bolt for the door (or ship you off to a hospital) every time a voice needs to be heard.
You may very well have schitzophrenia. I don't know about that disorder. But I do know that if your doctors aren't helping, and you think dissociation may be the problem, there are therapists who can help.
You're welcome to PM me anytime. I understand what you're going through, and I don't envy you at all. It's like pulling teeth to get the voices to cooperate sometimes. But if you find where each one is stuck, you can help them to leave the past and join you in the present.
Take care of yourself Maynard, and take care of those kids in you. They're just asking for someone to listen. And that's what we're here for. We're here to listen and support you. At the same time ask them to give you just a little peace. You deserve some peace.
