I think this shit happens all over the world, I don't believe in a safe society.
@.aseity - mi hermanito. As always, it is a privilege for me to read what you have to share.
There is no purpose comparing any two or more people's experiences of trauma. Still, it is beyond horrific, how you were severely injured on so many fronts, by numerous people, including those who would've been responsible for protecting you in 'a safe society '. There are some parallels between your experience and mine, and I'm grateful to have had numerous communications with you, allowing me the chance to connect with you.
I tend to divide people into 2 categories : those who had basic safety needs met as their brain was developing to perceive the world - versus - those who were conditioned to perceive the world around them as inherently unsafe (before they even had language or any degree of cognition). Of course, there's a spectrum, and trauma at any age can destroy one's sense of safety of their world. But there is some distinction between: the damage done by trauma from discrete events upsetting or interfering with a sense of safety - versus - the damage done by trauma from earliest formative stages of development as a 'state of being', in a world of violence and/ or neglect as the foundation. None of it is 'worse' or 'better' or more or less severe; but for those of us men here who never had reliable safety, there is no 'boyhood' or 'innocence' or 'carefree time' or 'inner child' to remember or reclaim. You didn't have much of that stuff, if any at all.
People can theorize about 'karmic retribution' and 'god's plan' and say cliché shit like 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' - if that type of stuff works as a paradigm to benefit anyone, more power to them; find whatever helps, as long as it's not doing damage. For me, I think that those born into safety, protected and shielded from injury, afforded a chance to 'be a child' - they just happen to have some fortunate circumstances at some early period in life that you and I didn't have.
Safety, as we develop, is something we ourselves find a way to create in our brain, starting from before we can speak words. It's not an on/ off switch. There are elements of
@.aseity that set you up for some degree of 'safety' , to withstand the severe injuries inflicted upon you and to be here on this forum, communicating with many men who don't know you personally but respect you and care about you (albeit anonymously). You've also built some sense of safety as a husband and a father, belonging in a family of your making, with people in your life who love you, who you can truly love, and for whom you can foster a sense of safety in their lives by having you.
Some of the things that strike me as strong foundation for your power in your life, from all I've read of what you've allowed me to see, is your bloody amazing and beautiful ability to express yourself in writing, and a bloody brilliant intellect that is especially remarkable, in light of the anti-intellectual forces in your early life. Your critical thinking skills and curiousness, your inclination to recognize someone who you can help and the impetus within you to jump in with offers of support - all that is awesome stuff.
You're a fucking rockstar.
*Reminder that you know this about me: I'm not 'nice'; I do not give 'compliments', or blow smoke up anyone's ass, or try to cheer people up or soothe their feelings. I'm street, my man, in a lot of ways like you. I just call it like I see it and provide evidence for what I've got to say. You don't have to 'feel better' from anything I've said about my experiences with you and the impression I have of you; you just oughta know that it's straight-up truth coming from a hardass dawg.
Stemming from brutal violence (physical and psychological) at my earliest ages, my sense of power over my life was a determination to end my life, on my terms. You could not have convinced me as a kid or adolescent that I'd be alive to see the age of 20. JMFC, for 5 decades, i somehow got too damn busy to kill myself. Or to be thrown in jail or the loony bin for the remainder of my life (which were the only other future possibilities I imagined). I have no illusions that somehow I'm not still really fucked-up; it turned out I am not so fucked-up to preclude me from living to be old and grey and along the way to bring some sense of safety to people who were vulnerable, some sense of connection to some people who were isolated, (on occasion, even being amusing enough to incite some people to laugh when they didn't know they needed to).
The only way to have 4 or 5 or more decades of perspective on the world and on yourself is to be alive for those 4 or 5+ decades to learn some crap or other every day. You are a wise old soul at age a quarter century;
@.aseity, Jonathan, my Homeslice - decades from now, you're gonna have even more wisdom from those years plus another level of understanding who you are and your purpose.
In the imminent future, I sincerely hope to have the honor of continuing a level of communication with this man of great dignity. (Referring to you, there, Chico).
See ya ....
