Found an old picture

Found an old picture
P

parttimecop

Registrant
My mom found an old picture of me recently. It was from before I was abused. In it I am sitting on our porch I guess, with Habib. He was a guy who rented a room from us and probably the closest thing I had to an uncle in my early years. I got to thinking how sad the world is in general since Habib is from Pakistan.

And there I am. How happy a little boy. Poor boy did not have a chance. When that girl did what she did, she basically killed that smiling boy. And I wonder if I can ever be him again. Or at least the man he could have been. Such a big caring and more important trusting heart.

Recently my girlfriend broke up with me. And that brings back all the depression I thought was gone. And it brings back the fact that I again don't trust that good things can happen. Because if they do, they only happen so I can suffer more in the end. It hurts, I feel like such a loser. Yes I could probably have other girls, but for the most part I won't go after anybody I just want sexually.

I hurt, and yet I can help others. But it still pisses me off to be misled by life. My faith staggers. I guess you could say it is more belief than faith in God. I believe in God, but trust is not there. I feel like I am a punching bag sort of. Each time I start to believe good things can come to me and that i deserve something good, the rug gets yanked out from under me. I am so tired of life being like that. Why can't I have something good. I would rather die than go through this stuff every time. I am not suicidal, but life does seem to be one dissapointment after another.

That poor boy in the picture never had much of a chance I guess. But he was loved. Habib and my family loved me. I guess that is why I am so desperate about loving a woman. To recapture that feeling from so long ago.
 
I can relate to this very much part-time.
When I see old pictures of me it stirrs an instant flood of emotional pain. I feel the joy and light and TRUST that was squashed from the boy in the image and feel convinced that I will never feel normal again. And trust in God can be a big problem, too. Sometimes it feels like I have a knee jerk reaction that stops me from letting go into happiness. It just feels like something will ruin it and it will only be another painful letdown. I get angry at how bitter I can feel about it all, and then...BOOM...it's a spiral.
Sighs...can I ever relate.
Holding on to hope here, hoping you are too,
John
 
PTC,
Recently my girlfriend broke up with me. And that brings back all the depression I thought was gone. And it brings back the fact that I again don't trust that good things can happen. Because if they do, they only happen so I can suffer more in the end. It hurts, I feel like such a loser. Yes I could probably have other girls, but for the most part I won't go after anybody I just want sexually.
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I think we can all relate to these feelings.
I never went with a girl for the sex, it was always to find a true friend as well.
It is so hard to put so much work into getting a relationship going, and it is devastating, to lose it all and just have to start the long search again.

The little boy smiling in the photograph, I too have a few of them memories, and it hurts to look sometimes.

I am sorry you are hurting right now, and hope it will get better.

take care,

ste
 
Part time cop. You said
Recently my girlfriend broke up with me. And that brings back all the depression I thought was gone. And it brings back the fact that I again don't trust that good things can happen. Because if they do, they only happen so I can suffer more in the end. It hurts, I feel like such a loser.
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Now my friend a loser you aint ok. If every guy who got ditched or every girl for that matter felt that way almost everyone on earth would be in the same boat. It is he loss ok. She did not see the great guy inside. Yeh it hurts and yeh it makes you sad and feel that somehow it must have been your fault. Well it was not your fault ok. Takes 2 you know to make it work or not make it work. So do not shoulder all the blame ok. Dammit that is what we did with SA and it sure as hell put us in a hole.

PM me anytime you want to.

((((((((((((((((PTC))))))))))))))))))))
 
PTC I can't begin to relate to what it must be like to be alone and then to find someone wonderful only to find yourself alone again. When I was dating (back when dinosaurs roamed the earth) I used to be so afraid of rejection that the minute I thought I saw it coming, I was out the door and down the street and into my room with the door slammed and locked. There was no way she was going to reject me first...I wouldn't have been able to take it. I lost many very nice girls that way. I know that most guys are probably the same way, but I think we have been given that little extra gift along the way. I hope you can keep trying to find someone. I think it's the only answer to the built in loneliness of this thing. I agree that it takes two to tango and we're not the easiest guys to dance with. It may take awhile. Now, all that advice and $1.50 can buy you a cup of coffee somewhere. Sorry, but I see someone hurting and I can't help saying what's running around in my mind. She's there and she's looking for you, too. It just may take awhile to get through all the protective layers to find each other. And what's that line about "Before you find a prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs." ? Works for princesses too, I think. Keep trying. Of course, I'm lucky. I've got one who has stayed with me for 37 years and she's got the battle scars to prove it. For the life of me I can't figure out why she's still living with me.

Someone gave me a card last year. The card is black and white, and on the front is this very innocent little boy. He's not smiling. He's just standing there with a bouquet of red roses. The roses are bright red on the black and white card. I thought of that card when you mentioned your picture. That card is on my dresser and will never come off. That little boy is me...innocent and giving and totally unaware of what the world is going to do to him. Of course, my SA came early...earlier than the age of the boy in the picture, but that doesn't make any difference. I think we all see those pictures of innocent little boys and ache for them because we don't see a happy little boy with red roses to give. We see a little boy carrying red roses who can't begin to tell anyone what is really happening in his life when the camera is put away and the roses are dropped on the floor beside the bed. Thus every picture of every little boy becomes for us either a sad picture of desperation, or a picture of some lucky little boy that we're so happy for, because he never had to know how ugly life could be. My picture stays because that little boy is me even today. I am still innocent. I still have roses to give. And somewhere right behind the picture, he still stands and waits for me until everyone else is asleep. I'll rescue me yet, and so will you.

Don't give up on that girl, PTC, she's out there and she's hurting just like you are and you're going to be that prince she needs. Let's just hope she hasn't kissed so many frogs that she's afraid to pucker up one more time. Hang in there, guy. So many guys here forget how strong they are just to be alive. So are you and I have to believe that you're going to find her. Bobby
 
Getting to the point where we can start to take care of ourselves as that little boy is an important part of healing. For me, it took such a long time to really accept that the cute little kid is actually me. I treated him as though he were some other person. I really had a range of emotions about that.

As we make our way through recovery from the betrayal that makes us afraid to trust, we can begin to connect with ourselves as that young boy we once were. It is a beautiful thing when it happens.

I counsel in a high school. Everytime a kid comes in to talk because he or she just broke up with their bf/gf I try to assure them that it is not a rejection of them--it is just that the relationship ended, nothing more. I think we learn something from each relationship. Eventually it makes us a really good person to have as a friend and maybe eventually as a boy friend.
Right now, you just need to let yourself feel the hurt and try to realize that some other relationship is what is meant to be.

Bob
 
An odd thing, this is the first time I have really wanted to kill the bitch who did this(SA) to me. She probably screwed up the best thing I have ever had going for me. Maybe that hate is important. Might be something I have to go through. Not a place to stay, but a place i need to visit for awhile that I have never really gone through.

I still have some hope. Probably foolish I know, but it is not within me to give up hope. I saw my GF's sister today, and some things may line up for me.
 
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