Former Air Force dependent. Heavy Trigger.

[RobbieJoe]

And so, except for these occasional writings, I suffer in virtual silence....I tire easily, of even trying to express these transgressions to anybody in person.

As I've often said, I'm tired of paying "can't trust therapists", just to hear myself talking. I can do that myself, for free.

I am so saddened that there is no Veteran's program, or go-to veteran's legal source, that specifically listens to claims of past dependent's abuse by military family members. That reeks of their unwillingness to admit and address the problem, and leads me to believe that it's their way of protecting their own offenders, and their public relations image, the same way they do with sexual harassment in the workplace allegations.

All's not lost on woe is me. I am a survivor; I've got the attitude, and I will persevere. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and for commenting.

 

[iaccus]

we applaud your moxy, your FIDO, be well sir

 

[Esterio]

Hi RobbieJoe

Sorry I didn't see this earlier. I am sorry for what you went through. I can relate to some of it. You childhood sounds like it was hell for you and your mother and siblings

It made me a social outcast and recluse, partly of my own making;

Don't be to hard on yourself many of us try to blame ourselves for the shitty lives we have led. When a lot of it is the childhood trauma bursting through. While I feel responsible for some of the things I did, most of it was done because I was completely out of control and had to big of secrets to hide. Glad you are here and sharing with us.

I was sent to county jail. I won't get into what happened there, in this thread.

You are not alone. very courages of you to share

 

[RobbieJoe]

Hi RobbieJoe

Sorry I didn't see this earlier. I am sorry for what you went through. I can relate to some of it. You childhood sounds like it was hell for you and your mother and siblings

Don't be to hard on yourself many of us try to blame ourselves for the shitty lives we have led. When a lot of it is the childhood trauma bursting through. While I feel responsible for some of the things I did, most of it was done because I was completely out of control and had to big of secrets to hide. Glad you are here and sharing with us.

You are not alone. very courages of you to share

Respect.

 

[detour]

Was heavily abused, physically, emotionally, psychologically, and sexually, from about age 6 to17 by C/MST father.

Real mother committed suicide when I was only one and a half. Circumstances suspicious, my assessment. (he surely had a hand in it)

Two siblings deceased. "Crib Death". Circumstances suspicious, my assessment. (I remember two occasions being smothered with a pillow)

Step mother hated me; I was not her child. She was an accomplice, often goading him into beating me, as well as an occasional smack upside my head with an iron skillet.

No one to turn to; even a "trusted" neighbor ratted me out after I told them. I got severely punished for that.

My other siblings were abused, as well, in various degrees. I was the oldest, so I got the worst.

I'm no angel. I got into as much petty trouble as I could, (and one serious incident) to draw attention to him. I was headed down a very dark path, until I finally got kicked out while overseas. ("you are not going to ruin my career"). Free at last!

After that came several decades of severe depression, even a couple suicide attempts; once by drug overdose, another by Russian roulette. For some reason, it wasn't meant for me.

I've engaged in a long list of risky behavior. Nothing super serious though, except for stealing, and wrecking a car when I was 15. I was sent to county jail. I won't get into what happened there, in this thread.

Managed to finally get most of the memories into a box in the back of my head, though triggers abound.

I'm now a retired, married, aloof and reclusive hermit. Estranged from my birth family, by choice. I dislike social interactions and crowds. I have very deep seated trust issues. I've found my "happy space", though it comes with a cost.

Therapy? Phhhttt!...a couple of times. An Air Force therapist, later in life, gave me the impression that he was getting off listening to my story, wanting as much sordid details as I could provide. Later, a civilian therapist made me think that all I was doing was paying her to hear myself talk. I could do that for free.

They are both gone now (parents). He's buried at Arlington. Yes, hallowed ground. Yeah, right.

I'm not here for "woe is me"...I can't talk about it with anybody, not even my wife.

To this day I don't like therapists, I had one that was getting off on our sessions. He kept asking what my fantasies were, even invented one he thought I might like. I called it quits after that. I got the distinct feeling he was hoping for something.

 

[RobbieJoe]

To this day I don't like therapists, I had one that was getting off on our sessions. He kept asking what my fantasies were, even invented one he thought I might like. I called it quits after that. I got the distinct feeling he was hoping for something.

I, as well.

Later in life, I was sent to a military psychologist, to determine why I was "incorrigible" and "iconoclastic" (now badges of honor, in my view). That guy was literally fondling himself, behind his desk, as the interview progressed. He was becoming far too comfortable with me, even to the point of dimming the lights. I made up an excuse to get out of there, and never went back.

 

[detour]

The law of averages [which is the most hopeful measure one could apply to that profession] would suggest there are some decent psychologists out there. I did meet one that was fairly good the year both of my parents died. He recommended a helpful book and said a few phrases that broke a couple of log jams, and for me that was a success. Maybe I expect too much. Overall I wouldn't say the bar is low in psychology, I'd say it is on the floor.

 

[jeffroks]

To this day I don't like therapists, I had one that was getting off on our sessions. He kept asking what my fantasies were, even invented one he thought I might like. I called it quits after that. I got the distinct feeling he was hoping for something.

That is grossly inappropriate for a therapist and I hope someone reports him.