Former Air Force dependent. Heavy Trigger.

RobbieJoe

Registrant
Was heavily abused, physically, emotionally, psychologically, and sexually, from about age 6 to17 by C/MST father.

Real mother committed suicide when I was only one and a half. Circumstances suspicious, my assessment. (he surely had a hand in it)

Two siblings deceased. "Crib Death". Circumstances suspicious, my assessment. (I remember two occasions being smothered with a pillow)

Step mother hated me; I was not her child. She was an accomplice, often goading him into beating me, as well as an occasional smack upside my head with an iron skillet.

No one to turn to; even a "trusted" neighbor ratted me out after I told them. I got severely punished for that.

My other siblings were abused, as well, in various degrees. I was the oldest, so I got the worst.

I'm no angel. I got into as much petty trouble as I could, (and one serious incident) to draw attention to him. I was headed down a very dark path, until I finally got kicked out while overseas. ("you are not going to ruin my career"). Free at last!

After that came several decades of severe depression, even a couple suicide attempts; once by drug overdose, another by Russian roulette. For some reason, it wasn't meant for me.

I've engaged in a long list of risky behavior. Nothing super serious though, except for stealing, and wrecking a car when I was 15. I was sent to county jail. I won't get into what happened there, in this thread.

Managed to finally get most of the memories into a box in the back of my head, though triggers abound.

I'm now a retired, married, aloof and reclusive hermit. Estranged from my birth family, by choice. I dislike social interactions and crowds. I have very deep seated trust issues. I've found my "happy space", though it comes with a cost.

Therapy? Phhhttt!...a couple of times. An Air Force therapist, later in life, gave me the impression that he was getting off listening to my story, wanting as much sordid details as I could provide. Later, a civilian therapist made me think that all I was doing was paying her to hear myself talk. I could do that for free.

They are both gone now (parents). He's buried at Arlington. Yes, hallowed ground. Yeah, right.

I'm not here for "woe is me"...I can't talk about it with anybody, not even my wife.
 

RobbieJoe

Registrant
Was heavily abused, physically, emotionally, psychologically, and sexually, from about age 6 to17 by C/MST father.

Real mother committed suicide when I was only one and a half. Circumstances suspicious, my assessment. (he surely had a hand in it)

Two siblings deceased. "Crib Death". Circumstances suspicious, my assessment. (I remember two occasions being smothered with a pillow)

Step mother hated me; I was not her child. She was an accomplice, often goading him into beating me, as well as an occasional smack upside my head with an iron skillet.

No one to turn to; even a "trusted" neighbor ratted me out after I told them. I got severely punished for that.

My other siblings were abused, as well, in various degrees. I was the oldest, so I got the worst.

I'm no angel. I got into as much petty trouble as I could, (and one serious incident) to draw attention to him. I was headed down a very dark path, until I finally got kicked out while overseas. ("you are not going to ruin my career"). Free at last!

After that came several decades of severe depression, even a couple suicide attempts; once by drug overdose, another by Russian roulette. For some reason, it wasn't meant for me.

I've engaged in a long list of risky behavior. Nothing super serious though, except for stealing, and wrecking a car when I was 15. I was sent to county jail. I won't get into what happened there, in this thread.

Managed to finally get most of the memories into a box in the back of my head, though triggers abound.

I'm now a retired, married, aloof and reclusive hermit. Estranged from my birth family, by choice. I dislike social interactions and crowds. I have very deep seated trust issues. I've found my "happy space", though it comes with a cost.

Therapy? Phhhttt!...a couple of times. An Air Force therapist, later in life, gave me the impression that he was getting off listening to my story, wanting as much sordid details as I could provide. Later, a civilian therapist made me think that all I was doing was paying her to hear myself talk. I could do that for free.

They are both gone now (parents). He's buried at Arlington. Yes, hallowed ground. Yeah, right.

I'm not here for "woe is me"...I can't talk about it with anybody, not even my wife.

I'm beginning to regret having disclosed this. I feel that I've said too much.
 

manipulated

Moderator
Staff member
RobbieJoe

I am sorry you feel this way. I believe your truth. We hear your hurt. Not many have been on the boards since this went up and many that have been may not know what to say....many times I don’t know what to say but I DO know I kept it silent too long and it DID help to tell through a post...though I doubted my telling for a bit after also..
 

Bluedogone

Registrant
Hi Robbie Joe,

Please don’t assume a dearth of responses to your post is simply agreement with your concern about disclosure. It isn’t. I can only speak for myself, but disclosure, talking about it, writing about it, discussing it every chance I get, has been my path to healing. For sure it’s been sloooow, but taking a look back and comparing my first journaling to that from the last few weeks is pretty revealing about the progress I’ve made. And I think the progress you’ll make will be very apparent if you can be a bit freer with writing. Even if you’re the only one who EVER sees what you’ve written. There’s just something about writing things down that not only cements them as the reality of your life experiences, but also puts them out there for you so they can be managed one at a time as you’re ready to process them.

I can understand your feelings about certain “therapists.” Those folks do seem to get a special high from hearing the details of our sexual experiences. But I hope you don’t give up on trying to find a qualified person who is truly interested in helping to heal us from the trauma that goes with sexual abuse, and not just wallow in it with us. They’re hard to find, but definitely there.

We have some things in common - retired, married 51 years, but never talked about the abuse with my wife before she passed away, found my own happy space. But I hope you will continue to write, not in a “woe is me” way as you said, but to continue to find your own truth. I had a friend who had a favorite quote “The truth will set you free, but first it’ll piss you off.” It’s been very freeing for me to acknowledge and accept my own truth, and work from there.

May you continue to heal as you disclose - without regret.

blue
 
Hey RobbieJoe

Sorry for all you went through. It is nothing but pure evil. This is my first time seeing this. Sorry for not responding sooner. I believe fully what you say.


When I was in Idaho, there was a kid whose dad was beating him. We knew it at school, but the Air Force seemingly did nothing. Being 12 and 13, we didn't know what to do. The dad was a Sgt and firefighter on base. He died in a fire. TBH I was kinda sorry he lost his dad, but didn't cry too much cause I thought he was free of abuse.

I feel for you. Totally evil that someone who is supposed to protect yo hurts you so bad.
 

Trapped765

Registrant
To RobbieJoe
Please don't quit this site. I was about to a month ago and my wife told me how I seem to be handling things better since I started here. I don't see it, but she would not lie to me. That is our 2 rules No lieing to each other or sex outside the marriage without permission. So please give it more time. Also I think many here read posts and do not say anything because either someone else said it already or we just don't know what to say. And "First do no harm" is a good rule when your not sure of the strength of who you are dealing with.
Blessed be peace unto you and good ripples brother.
 

wvsurvivor

Registrant
I had a therapist get a erection that was obvious after detailing some of my worst abuse. His pants were tented out about 8 inches as I left and he said I look forward to next week. I grabbed a hold of it and tried to rip it out by the root. Also the day I found out he was recording sessions. I saw to it he lost his license for this and stood outside his office with a sign that said he records sessions and whacks off to them. Caught him in a bath house a few months later chasing the twinks even after they said stop, I got him barred from the place.
 

Sherlock

Registrant
I had a therapist get a erection that was obvious after detailing some of my worst abuse. His pants were tented out about 8 inches as I left and he said I look forward to next week. I grabbed a hold of it and tried to rip it out by the root. Also the day I found out he was recording sessions. I saw to it he lost his license for this and stood outside his office with a sign that said he records sessions and whacks off to them. Caught him in a bath house a few months later chasing the twinks even after they said stop, I got him barred from the place.

I'm so sorry, that's disgusting. I hope trouble follows him the rest of his pathetic life.
 

Sherlock

Registrant
Was heavily abused, physically, emotionally, psychologically, and sexually, from about age 6 to17 by C/MST father.

Real mother committed suicide when I was only one and a half. Circumstances suspicious, my assessment. (he surely had a hand in it)

Two siblings deceased. "Crib Death". Circumstances suspicious, my assessment. (I remember two occasions being smothered with a pillow)

Step mother hated me; I was not her child. She was an accomplice, often goading him into beating me, as well as an occasional smack upside my head with an iron skillet.

No one to turn to; even a "trusted" neighbor ratted me out after I told them. I got severely punished for that.

My other siblings were abused, as well, in various degrees. I was the oldest, so I got the worst.

I'm no angel. I got into as much petty trouble as I could, (and one serious incident) to draw attention to him. I was headed down a very dark path, until I finally got kicked out while overseas. ("you are not going to ruin my career"). Free at last!

After that came several decades of severe depression, even a couple suicide attempts; once by drug overdose, another by Russian roulette. For some reason, it wasn't meant for me.

I've engaged in a long list of risky behavior. Nothing super serious though, except for stealing, and wrecking a car when I was 15. I was sent to county jail. I won't get into what happened there, in this thread.

Managed to finally get most of the memories into a box in the back of my head, though triggers abound.

I'm now a retired, married, aloof and reclusive hermit. Estranged from my birth family, by choice. I dislike social interactions and crowds. I have very deep seated trust issues. I've found my "happy space", though it comes with a cost.

Therapy? Phhhttt!...a couple of times. An Air Force therapist, later in life, gave me the impression that he was getting off listening to my story, wanting as much sordid details as I could provide. Later, a civilian therapist made me think that all I was doing was paying her to hear myself talk. I could do that for free.

They are both gone now (parents). He's buried at Arlington. Yes, hallowed ground. Yeah, right.

I'm not here for "woe is me"...I can't talk about it with anybody, not even my wife.


Glad you're here RobbieJoe.
 
I had a therapist get a erection that was obvious after detailing some of my worst abuse. His pants were tented out about 8 inches as I left and he said I look forward to next week. I grabbed a hold of it and tried to rip it out by the root. Also the day I found out he was recording sessions. I saw to it he lost his license for this and stood outside his office with a sign that said he records sessions and whacks off to them. Caught him in a bath house a few months later chasing the twinks even after they said stop, I got him barred from the place.
That is horrible. Glad you turned him in.
 

Hoping4Peace

Registrant
Robbie, I too am a older man still trying to get over the past. I am so glad that you did not succeed in ending it. Like you, I have a wife of 41 years now, and fortunately she is a good friend. We may be old but sex is better than it has ever been for me and her both when it does happen. The men here are here for you, and I found that writing my story in detail really helped me get it out and in perspective.
Sorry to diverge here, but WV Survivor got me laughing and happy -WV, I am so glad that you grabbed his member and tried to "rip it out by the root"! Somehow that gives me a lot of satisfaction, actually my father finally ended his misbehavior with me when I grabbed his penis the last time it happened and tried to twist it off! He got the message.
 

RobbieJoe

Registrant
Thank you, all, for your replies.

My apparent hesitation wasn't because I felt a lack of responses. It was more that I actually "put it all out there", for anybody to see. I'm still dealing with the judgemental thing, afraid of what people might think, that I've had all my life. I used to think, and to an extent, still do, that there were/are, people who want my story silenced, if for nothing more than because of the obvious public relations casting.

My "father", a highest ranking NCO, supposedly to protect American citizens, was himself engaging acts contrary to military decorum. He secretly violated the civil rights of five of his children, with a possible two more, while maintaining a squeaky clean persona, and was popular amongst his peers. Upon his death, he then gets the highest honor of being buried in the military's, indeed our nation's, highest cemetery. That alone, bothers me the most.

I've long ago discovered how to deal with the sexual part of my abuse, by acting out. I became a willing participant in other men's fantasies. But, I've untangled most of the psychological brain washings and have pulled my self esteem from out from under his toilet. I've accepted who I am, however with a cost.

Sometimes, I think that I'm on a mission to right a wrong, even at the expense of my own conditional and fragile well being.
 
Honestly, I believe any time one of us speaks the truth about what happened to them and how that affected their lives, we contribute to truth telling for our whole society. Sexual victimization is rampant and no one really wants to admit that parents, teachers, priests, coaches, men in the military, in the corner office, are victimizing those in their control. It really is time to tell the truth, which is what you're doing RobbieJoe. Whether your voice alone will make a difference is unclear, but together it is much more likely people will pay attention... girls, boys, women, men all can be victimized. We all deserve acknowledgement and justice.
 
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RobbieJoe

Registrant
''Sometimes, I think that I'm on a mission to right a wrong, even at the expense of my own conditional and fragile well being.''

This seems to be the reason that I'm here. Though I think that I've handled the sexual molestation part the best I was able, and still do, trying to get the Air Force to finally own up to the physical abuse by one of their own, has been a constant thought, almost daily, for the last few years or so.

Those years of torture left me developmentally challenged for a long time, and opportunities passed me by because, I wasn't able to comprehend them. It made me a social outcast and recluse, partly of my own making; I have never been able to feel really comfortable among groups of "normal" people. They always seem to think that I'm hiding something. Yes, damn it, I am! But I can't tell you. You'd never understand.

[One therapist, to her credit, did help me to interpret a dream I had. I was pedaling furiously, dressed ragged, on a clunky old retro mountain bike. Other bike riders were passing me, all day, dressed in their fancy helmets and slick speedos, progressing the uphill trail on their newest, shiny modern multispeeds. Most of the time, I could reach the destination, but I had to really work hard at it. Other times, I couldn't. I was just too tired of trying]

I'm very good at drawing and painting. During my childhood, I would hide in my room and doodle all night, as an escape from my scary reality. Thank you VA, for the schooling to refine it. The thought of making a series of very graphic paintings or sculptures that reflect my siblings, and my, sexual and violent abuse at the hands of a monster wearing a United States Air Force uniform, and publicly displaying them, through the media, for all to see, has been a constant rumination in my later years. I started once, but became so disgusted and traumatized with the visuals, that I burned them.

The Air Force (and other branches) are still denying that sexual misconduct, or bullying, and violence is a constant among it's ranks.

That's about where I'm at in my "healing journey".
 
A work in progress... welcome to the club.
 

wvsurvivor

Registrant
Honestly, I believe any time one of us speaks the truth about what happened to them and how that affected their lives, we contribute to truth telling for our whole society. Sexual victimization is rampant and no one really wants to admit that parents, teachers, priests, coaches, men in the military, in the corner office, are victimizing those in their control. It really is time to tell the truth, which is what you're doing RobbieJoe. Whether your voice alone with make a difference is unclear, but together it is much more likely people will pay attention... girls, boys, women, men all can be victimized. We all deserve acknowledgement and justice.

I have always wondered just how widespread the problem really is. One of my only male friends left just told me about him filing against the boy scouts and right before I left to get married he told me how bad it was. He also told me how much he wanted to be with me after I told him of my problems about ten years ago. I told him I thought I saw him in a bath house and I thought he saw me and he said it was him, he said when he saw me he panicked and hid. So I wonder how how many or actually how few kids make it to adulthood untouched by an adult?
 
Was heavily abused, physically, emotionally, psychologically, and sexually, from about age 6 to17 by C/MST father.

Real mother committed suicide when I was only one and a half. Circumstances suspicious, my assessment. (he surely had a hand in it)

Two siblings deceased. "Crib Death". Circumstances suspicious, my assessment. (I remember two occasions being smothered with a pillow)

Step mother hated me; I was not her child. She was an accomplice, often goading him into beating me, as well as an occasional smack upside my head with an iron skillet.

No one to turn to; even a "trusted" neighbor ratted me out after I told them. I got severely punished for that.

My other siblings were abused, as well, in various degrees. I was the oldest, so I got the worst.

I'm no angel. I got into as much petty trouble as I could, (and one serious incident) to draw attention to him. I was headed down a very dark path, until I finally got kicked out while overseas. ("you are not going to ruin my career"). Free at last!

After that came several decades of severe depression, even a couple suicide attempts; once by drug overdose, another by Russian roulette. For some reason, it wasn't meant for me.

I've engaged in a long list of risky behavior. Nothing super serious though, except for stealing, and wrecking a car when I was 15. I was sent to county jail. I won't get into what happened there, in this thread.

Managed to finally get most of the memories into a box in the back of my head, though triggers abound.

I'm now a retired, married, aloof and reclusive hermit. Estranged from my birth family, by choice. I dislike social interactions and crowds. I have very deep seated trust issues. I've found my "happy space", though it comes with a cost.

Therapy? Phhhttt!...a couple of times. An Air Force therapist, later in life, gave me the impression that he was getting off listening to my story, wanting as much sordid details as I could provide. Later, a civilian therapist made me think that all I was doing was paying her to hear myself talk. I could do that for free.

They are both gone now (parents). He's buried at Arlington. Yes, hallowed ground. Yeah, right.

I'm not here for "woe is me"...I can't talk about it with anybody, not even my wife.
A good trauma therapist will let you go at a pace with which you are comfortable, and even teach you mindfulness techniques to help you more comfortably disclose and work on things. After repressing things for years, it takes time to allow yourself to talk about traumatic events. Don’t give up and just live your life numbed out and aloof. Life can be much better than that. Wishing you the best.
 
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