Forgotten Boy


In the aftermath of abuse, what did we lose? Who were you before? Who were you during? Is there a part of yourself the trauma tried to override?

I am writing this with the knowledge that resisting would have been the worst possible thing for most of us to to. I am sensitive to the fact that I am lucky my outcomes weren’t worse.

I am posting on Facebook my experience preparing for my first bodybuilding competition. I’ve been trying to keep them light, but true. A huge element of my training is food. There was no way I could broach the subject without being honest. That meant mentioning being assaulted as it contributed to my anxiety. During the assault I clenched my mouth shut to prevent anything going in my mouth.

Afterwards I realized this is not the boy I thought of myself as. From the assault on the playground, to the man molesting me at 14, to the muscled up NYC sadomasochist threatening to break my teeth, I stood my ground. I kept my mouth wired shut.

These facts have never changed. That tough kid isn’t who I remember. I escaped humiliated, guilty, filthy...broken. Shame brainwashed me into believing I was pathetic and worse. I see me differently now. I resisted every time

When I practice posing without a mirror I feel a fraud. Without seeing what I look like, I don’t believe. I’m changing my tactic. That fierce kid will be stepping on stage with all of his strength and resolve. I will be whole.
Yes, that resolve feels right. The years here are an example of it. This feels right.

I was going to ponder what I've learned about myself. I'm grateful for your tone in this thread. I did resist at 16, and parts on and off again in childhood. My 20's an example to me, reminds me of my hopes.

The work, processing the pain, depression and anxiety do have calm moments, days, weeks.

Best wishes.


What I saw in saw in you all along! And finally it looks like you are seeing it too :)
I'm really happy for you. This is great news.

You put so much hard work into everything you do and even if you didn't
you so deserve to feel great about yourself.

I hope it isn't necessary but whenever that bad dialogue starts up like when you
are posing in the mirror - remember the warrior you are. That warrior is Bri has
been you since birth! Don't forget :)