Forgiveness?

Forgiveness?
AuthenticMe

AuthenticMe

Registrant
Brothers (and Sisters),

I am need of your insight. In a session with my T earlier this week, I realized that I have not forgiven myself for the abuse and shame of the abuse. My T gave me homework to list all the things I think I will gain from forgiving myself.

In discussing my homework with my girlfriend this morning, I came to the realization that I have a problem forgiving anyone who I feel has hurt or betrayed me.

There are so many levels to this. Externally, this society does not encourage or even teach men to be forgiving, since it is seen as a sign of weakness. Internally, I feel like forgiving others means I have to forgive my perp. I am just now realizing that I can choose to forgive whomever I please.

I know that forgiving myself is an important step in my recovery. I have intellectually forgiven myself, but it hasn't sunk in yet.

What are your thoughts and experience with forgiveness?
 
Anger will never disappear so long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten.
--Buddha

It takes time and can only be done when you are ready but to be happy you have to forgive yourself.
 
AM - Like Curtis says, it takes time. I think it's a gradual process, so gradual that when forgiveness of ourselves occurs, we might not even recognize it as such, not right away anyway.

I'm not sure where your therapist is headed, though I'd like to know. The concept of deciding to forgive ourselves because we see the benefits of doing so sounds impractical, if not impossible.

Forgiveness comes with learning, learning that we were not responsible for what happened. And you're right, that knowledge has to sink in at a much deeper level than intellectually.

It's different than forgiving someone whom we know hurt us deliberately for their own twisted perversions. It's even different than forgiving someone for doing something out of ignorance. Those two scenarios are cut and dry, easy to understand, scenarios that are much more commonplace than placing blame on ourselves for something we never did.

So keep learning, keep trying to convince yourself of the truth, which is that it was not your fault. I'm not 100% there but I'm so much closer than I was a couple of years ago. Peace - John
 
Authentic Me,

My answer to this one was to understand that as a boy I did nothing wrong. I didn't have choices to make - when it first happened I froze and cried, and after that he had me. All the blame goes to my perp.

I don't want to get into definitions of forgiveness, but certainly you have to believe that none of this was your fault - forgive yourself in the sense of rejecting any responsibility. I agree with Curtis: this is crucial to our recovery and future happiness.

But bear in mind that in such emotional issues there is a big difference between "knowing" you were not to blame and "believing" it in your heart. The latter is the hard one to achieve, but it does come in time.

You are never obliged by anyone to forgive your perp. Unless you feel your recovery would somehow be helped by doing that, I don't see why you would even consider it. The way I see it, forgiving someone who has done such terrible things would require a LOT of emotional energy; sorry, mine is reserved for myself and those I care about.

Much love,
Larry
 
Brothers,

The affection you have shown me in your responses is overwhelming. Thank you all so much.

I'd just like to touch on a couple things that stood out to me. I agree that forgiveness of myself is an extremely important step. Like so many aspects of recovery, I thought that I had done that already. But as Larry says, there's a difference between knowing and believing. Now that I ponder it, I don't think I really even know yet, so there's work to be done around that. It's work I'm happy to do.

I'm a bit surprised at myself that I have such an inability to forgive. It's not really part of my emotional vocabulary. I'm not ashamed or upset about it, just kind of surprised. I think that's what my T was trying to get to: get me thinking about what place forgiveness has in my life. When I sat with my girlfriend in bed this morning and told her all the people I forgave, I had a feeling of greater space for my pain and fear. It felt really good.

There are probably as many different definitions of forgiveness as there are people. I read a definition of forgiving that I liked and meditated on today: to renounce anger or resentment against. I do harbor some self-loathing about the abuse. I'm happy to acknowledge that so I can begin the process of healing around it. There's no place for beating myself up for something someone else did to me.

I will save the topic of forgiving Blank (the name I have given to my perp since I don't recall his name and haven't begun the processing of chasing him down yet) for another time. I'm learning that Big Me (the adult) can pick and choose whom to forgive. Perhaps I'll come to a place of indifference towards Blank. As for myself, I will take Brother Curtis' quote and advice to heart.

Thank you all. I am so happy for this place and so grateful for the compassion and understanding here. As I walk this path of healing and self-discovery, I couldn't ask for better companions.
 
Authentic Me,

Your last post here is so uplifting. We don't get the answers all at once, so it's so important to find satisfaction in knowing we are on the path and what our tasks for today are.

Forgiveness again: I would just say this. However you define it, don't fall for a scenario that leaves you with even a whiff of blame in any way whatsoever. The bottom line is that it can never be a child's fault - not in any way or to any degree - that he was abused.

Much love,
Larry
 
AM - everyone of us must forgive ourselves, no matter how difficult we find that to do!

As for forgiving perps - that is a choice that each of us must make as an individual. I cannot forgive my perp. We will be facing each other in court soon. I was abused way back in 1969.

I made a complaint in October of last year & since then another SURVIVOR has come forward. We shall both be facing the perp in court in one trial as the cases are to be combined.

The perp still denies that anything ever happened and intends to make both oof us go through the process of giving evidence.

If he denies that anything ever happened, then he is calling me a liar every day that he denies it! I am not a liar - I cannot forgive him. I forgive myself a little bit more every day.

Just as most adults would never abuse a child... why should it ever be a childs fault that it happened? It is not and never was the childs fault.

Forgive if you can or want to, but don't ever let anyone tell you that you have to! You don't - adults are allowed to make their own choices - a child does not always have the relevant frames of reference to do so.

Best wishes ...Rik
 
AM - uou've prompted me t start a new post about perps. Has anyone ever received an apology from one? New topic on it's way.
 
Rick and Larry,

Thanks so much for your posts. I never would wish to go through what I've been through, but I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to see and heal my inability to forgive. I could not, of course, do it without MS.

Rick - your courage is amazing. Best of luck in court. Whatever happens, I am confident that it is an important step in the healing process.

"I hereby swear, with Roadrunner, Rick57, Sinking, and Curtis as my witnesses, that I will 1) work on forgiving myself a little bit every day, and 2) not forgive my perp until I am good and ready." I'm working on myself first (for once).

My love to all you brothers.

P.S. Rick - I think there was a thread on the topic of apologies, so do a search and see what comes up.
 
I forgive because I want to have a future.
I forgive because I want to have my power back.
I forgive because I want to give my life another chance.

Forgiving myself was the final straw in my freedom from abuse, that is when the abuser became irrelevant to me and so did his abuse, today I focus my energies only on my recovery, because I am willing to let go the experience of abuse. Today I know it was an experience that happened to me, it was not me.

Earlier, each time I used to do something wrong I used to beat myself up. I hated myself so much that I wouldnt relent ever, was constantly busy finding faults with myself under the guise of improving myself.

I thought I was trying to get back at the world, while actually I was trying to get back at myself, for I blamed everything on me.
I had been waiting to get back at me and so when I found a fault in me and I would start beating myself on that. I never forgave even minor faults of mine. It felt good, so I set about on a fault finding mission, under the guise of self improvement. Obviously it didnt work being driven as it was by self hate. While I thought the world against me, actually it was me against myself.

I thought I was waiting for an apology from the world; actually I was waiting for an apology from myself. Why didnt I save myself, why didnt I do any thing? Finally I had to set myself free, when I realized it wasnt my fault. Now I am no longer looking for an apology from the world or from myself.

My healing began when I started forgiving myself. I said it aloud to myself and said it in my heart; till it rang true and felt it in my heart.

Truly speaking unless I learned to forgive myself, there was no place for future in my life. Because till then, that entire place has been taken up by the abuser and his abuse. Today, I thank myself, for setting myself free. That was by far the most loving thing I could have ever done. I know now that I have chance.

But still I was secretly unwilling to let go of the past, as it would mean relinquishing my special status as an abused child, which I felt was the only thing that set me apart from others. Gradually as I started to build on my self worth, I was able to let go of the past. I also had to let go of my power to judge others, to condemn others and to take revenge. I thought the world owed me an apology, little did I know that the cycle of Karma spared no one, mine happens to be abuse. And then I wondered, did Jesus come back to take revenge and seek an apology or did he come to show us the light.
 
AM, I miss some things sometimes and didn't get in on this one at the beginning. Didn't have time to read all of these responses, so I may be repeating or discussing something that has already been resolved. Sorry if that's the case.

Forgiveness is a tough one for me. I have trouble forgiving my perpetrator because it was my father and I haven't been able to blame him yet. What happened to me so far is simply an it. It happened. I think I still shoulder much of the blame, because I think he had the right to do what he did because I was such a horrible little boy. Which brings me to the second part...forgiving me. I have somehow taken on his opinion of me and continue to say those things to myself that he said to me when I was a child. I have bought his line of thought and reasoning. So, probably the main thing I have to do is to forgive me for being who I am...was...and turn that around some way. Then, I can hate him for what he did, and then I can try to forgive him.

As to forgiving others. That one's tough for me, too. But it's the same story. I despise them for how they treated me, but feel they sort of had the right to because I deserved no better. If I ever get this turned around, I intend to forgive them all....right after I've blamed them.

Bobby
 
Bobby and Morningstar,

Thanks so much for your responses. The amount of healing that takes place here never ceases to amaze me.

To Bobby, I say to you that which I cannot yet believe myself: it was not in any way your fault. You are not to blame in any way shape or form.

To Morningstar: I see a glimpse of my recovery in you. Thank you. And we were meant to see the light. We were.

Love to all.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top