I wil answer this post the way that I always do, when this question arises.
Trevor - you were bang on the nail, when you said, "What about forgiving yourself"?
That is exactly what is important!
Forgive yourself - that is very difficult to do! Why should you even waste energy considering forgiving some creature that only used you, for their own sexual gratification. They never cared about You/I...just themselves!
Why the hell should we care about forgiving them? I hope that of all the people on this planet they suffer the slowest, most painful deaths that anyone could imagine! They deny children childhood, the most precious thing that anyone could ever have.
Sorry to all of those of you that are religious, but if there is a god, why does he/she allow such things to happen??? *Please don't answer, I'm being rhetorical!
I do have difficulty forgiving myself! I do have difficulty forgiving the judiciary who settled for a suspended sentence when they could have given the perverted ******* a much stronger message.
I have difficulty forgiving the politically correct ******** that make excuses for paedophiles, that will eventually lead to future generations of abused children requiring a web site like this one!
Forgive...no never as long as I have skin on my body! Never as long as anyone knows that I once existed on this planet! Never even after that!
How does forgiving someone else make you feel better? Give me a decent bottle of wine! Give me a decent conversation with someone that cares about me! Give me a bright sunny day where I can hear children playing and laughing outside! Give me a cold freezing day where there is snow on the ground, and people give each other warm drinks, and push each other downhill on sledges. Give me a night in the forest where I can hear the wind howling through the dried out autumn leaves. Give me 3 days at an outdoor rock festival. Let me hear bird song at any time of the day. Let me hear the gentle hum of a car engine in the distance. Let me see an acorn bursting into bud in the springtime. Let me see a fully grown oak tree. Let me see a river in flood. Let me see a dragonfly in all it's majesty hovering over a lake in the summertime. Let me see frogspawn in a pond in springtime. Let me see the mutlitude of autumn colours in a forest in autumn! Let me see life. Let me see the first snowdrop in spring. Give me the company of the people that I love! That will make me happy!
**** the paedophiles!
Part 2:
IN COURT:
1st day of trial (January 2006 - grooming/abuse took place 1969, September, wk 4 onwards):
James Fowler is in court (I am in the Witness Protection house about 100 yards away). I arrived with 3 friends that wrote supportive statements for me. We arrived around 09:30, because I didn't want to be late...didn't know how the courts worked. Witness/complainant Number 2 arrived with his friends. He only made a statement after reading of my initial complaint in the local free paper. I recognise him as someone I used to babysit (childmind) when I was a kid. He doesn't recognise me, and I don't tell him who I am, other than that I was the first complainant. It hurts to think that a kid I looked after got abused by the same pervert several years later.
In the witness house, it just drags on and on, nothing seems to be happening, and no one tells us anything. I'm ready to go into the witness box, I've been building up to this point since October 2004, when I made my statement. It's tormented me for a long time before that (since 1969).
Been sat there for around 5 hours, and a rumour comes across, that the perv has pleaded guilty. I don't believe the rumour. I feel so much worse than I have for a long time (and that's really bad, like someone is taking the piss again).
Rumour comes across, that the judge is going to allow a 3rd witness statement to be read in court (turns out to be a friend from childhood - we used to ride around on our bikes together...I only find out who he is at the end of the day in court).
The Police come across into the witness protection room along with the CPs (I think)...they tell me (and the others) that the perv has pleaded guilty! I just break down, I never expected this...not in a million years! My friends try to comfort me, but they don't realise..it's such a major release.. a total vindication of all the hurt I have ever felt! They cannot understand what this means to me...no one can! We are told that we will be informed of when the actual sentence will be applied (next appearance in court). I am on an absolute high for the first time in many years!
A letter comes through. We go to court. It's still Crown Court (didn't mention that before). We know that the perv is going to jail...that's what the judge told him to expect...."Be prepared for a custodial sentence".
Hear a rumour that he wants to withdraw his guilty plea. I think that someone is trying to wind me up again. The feeling of elation is totally gone! The court procedures have over-ran all week. This is friday, sentencing day. Several case summaries are heard (don't get me started on mitigating circumstances). The day draws on again! It's absolutely terrible sitting there for a full day in court not knowing what the hell the outcome is going to be!
It gets to around 17:15, and I'm thinking that we are ging to get no further. The judge calls the Barristers in for all the outstanding cases. He asks for some brief details! The judge says he will hang on just a little bit longer. My head is ******* fried! I hear them call..."James Fowler".
To cut it short (this is a long post). The plea stood, there were further appearances in court, and the ******* was sentenced 17th March this year.
The sentence was rubbish, as was the whole judicial process.
Question? Why would I ever want to forgive someone that groomed, abused me? That groomed, abused others before me? That groomed abused others after me?
Why would I want to do that? What possible benefit would I receive from that?
Bollocks... I prefer to extend my energy towards people that deserve that energy. You can forgive in your own name. You can forgive in the name of your god.
I will not forgive anyone but myself, and others that cast guilt upon themselves, even though they have no real guilt to hold!
That perverted ******* walked out of court with these words provided by his defence barrister: "He's an elderly gentleman, answering for indiscretions from years ago". Words that went unchallenged by either the prosecution barrister, or, the trial judge!
Forgive him? How could anyone here ever ask me to do that?
Please don't.
I am still waiting to confront the ******* when he is shopping locally! I intend to tell him that he is not "An elderly gentleman answering for indiscretions from years ago". He appears to be avoiding me, before the case went to court, he was always there at certain times of the day!
I intend to tell him (regardless of the size of the audience - won't do it if kids are present) that he is one sick abusive ****, that grooms and abuses young boys, not an elderly gentleman, etc...etc.
Might get me into trouble, but it would look good in the press if I got worse treatment than him from the judiciary. I'm prepared to take that risk!
Best wishes ...Rik