Forgiveness-Apologies-What are they!

Forgiveness-Apologies-What are they!
R

reality2k4

Registrant
Forgiving is a hard word in this place, some guys forgive their abusers, some cannot.

Why do I forgive!

I forgive because mentally as a kid, I knew that if I did not, then I would be totally wrecked.
The anger of events was like acid burning a hole in my mental state, so I chose to forgive.

If you think about it, there is no other way to go, because not forgiving those who hurt you, is only hurting one person, "YOU".

It aint going to hurt your abuser/s.

Apologies! What are they?

If somebody smacked me in the face with an iron bar, and then apologised or even shown remorse, then would an apology make me feel much better!

NO!

I got pushed around and bullied all the time when I was a kid, and part of my adult life, I found out how to fight back, and am pretty good at it now.

Why ever did I need to!

I soon found out just what bullies were made of.

I got bullied by a guy who mustered about six of his friends to beat me up.

I was in rage at this, so I went around to his house and beat on the door, he came out, and I said hey, you are own now, you and me, he declined the offer and I never got hassled by him or his friends again.

I guess if people disturb the peace, then they awaken the Tiger in me, and they dont fight the Tiger.

What are your views on forgiving and apologies.
Do they differ much from mine?

ste

edited to correct html
 
Ste - I've stated my opinion before. The paedophile that I am taking to court still denies everything. He denies that anything ever happened with either myself or the other person that has come forward (we have a joint case). He denies that anything ever happened with anyone and I know there are more than the 2 of us. The result is that I am going to stand in court for 4 days telling people what he did!

If he admitted what he had done and took his punishment like a man, then maybe I could find some forgiveness for not having to go to court.

There is only one person that I need to forgive, and that is myself - I'm getting closer to doing that everyday! Everyone else here should do the same and forgive themselves, if they have not done so already!

Best wishes ....Rik
 
the conventional wisdom usually delivered in the form of pop psycho;ogy is that forgivness is for the survival of the forgiver. not so sure about that but let me offer this take on it. in the movie "the breakfast club" in a very moving scene the schoolyard bully, a wrestling jock played by emilio estava, reveals that he "tortured" his vicims to gain the approval of his sadistic father and his jock peers.an inherent sense of the wrongness of his cruelty and his deep remorse seem very sincere. maybe the people from school bullies to racisits and hitler are tortured and twisted souls themselves in there own private living hell. i dont know if that entitles them to redemption for thier crimes and cruelty but this movie really got me thinking. almighty God may i be delivered from the same hatred and rage that drove my abusers to such cruelty in the first place.
 
ste,

I was thinking about this just the other day. What if the perp came to the facility where I work and was one of my patients? Would I be able to forgive him enough to provide the nursing care he needs? I don't know the answer to that question? I do know that I can think about him without getting all bent out of shape and upset. Thinking about him does not cause me to have a bad day. He just isn't worth it. However treating him as though he had value would probably be quite a differemt matter. He's not worth that either. It is also my understanding that the next step, after saying a person has no value, is abuse of that person. I pray that I would never stoop so low as to abuse any one, include the ones who abused me.

Just my thoughts

Darrel
 
Ste,

For me, apologies are useful if I feel they are sincere- they mean something to me. For my own good, I have to try forgive people. It takes too much energy to hate them or to hold a grudge. It tears me up inside- I have to let it go if I can. This doesn't mean I will forget or easily trust that person again.

In the context of my perpetrator, who was my older brother, I don't know what this means. He approached me 5 years ago when I was still in deep denial of the effects of the abuse. He told me how sorry he was- I felt he was sincere, but I still do not trust him. It meant something and still means something, but doesn't fix my problems. At the time, I told him it was no big deal, don't worry about it- it was a long time ago, all that kind of crap. This was the denial talking. Now, I feel like I sold myself out. I sort of discount that encounter on the grounds that I didn't fully apreciate the damage that was done. I think he knew that I was in denial and strangly had a much better grasp of the effects of abuse than I did when we spoke. I think that another face to face chat will happen some day. I hold out hope that our family will be healed of the effects of sexual abuse some day.

These are my thoughts.

Bill
 
Ste,

Your question is a bit remote for me, since the man who abused me died years ago.

I would certainly see no point or advantage to myself in forgiving a perp who denies what he did or belittles its impact on me. I am not sure I could ever forgive the guy who molested me even if he were alive and came begging and full of genuine repentence.

I have recently had to deal with memories of a friend who lured me into a trap set by the man who was abusing both of us - we were to "perform" for him and my friend would be spared any further attention from him that day. This was repeated on other occasions. My friend and I have been in contact, but my position is that there is nothing to forgive. He was just a kid (12), same as I was (13), and what he did he did in order to survive one more day. We had both been emotionally destroyed already.

If a relative who had abused me came to me and was sincerely sorry for what had been done to me, I think maybe I would consider the situation. But as I said already, that is just theoretical for me since I was never abused by a relative and the abuser who hurt me is long gone.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thanks for all the comments they are good.

I was just reflecting on actual abuse, and the aftermath.

I dont think the abuse is the key factor in survival, it is the massive guilt complex that ensues the act.

I was a real church goer, and screamed to God, asking him why he let it happen, I just had to forgive as God wanted, and he is right, because if I had not, then I dont know where it would have ended.

My abuser could be dead, he could be alive, he could walk past me every day, who knows?

Who knows if he ever got caught? I certainly dont,and that caused a whole load more grief.

I guess we just forgive to save our own life, not theirs.

Rik, I hope you can convery that in Court!

ste
 
Ste,

I've found that forgiveness can be an important and powerful act of letting go of certain negative emotions. If there's not enough awareness around it, especially for trauma survivors, it can be painful and re-traumatizing.

For me, there is a clear process for forgivness: first I ask for forgiveness for something I've done to someone else, then I forgive myself for something I've done, and then I forgive someone else for something they've done to me. If I can't actually forgive them, then I try to develop the intent to forgive them.

I'm working on the first two steps right now. In the future, I'll worry about the last one.
 
I was going to say a bunch of stuff here, but changed my mind.

I'll just say that I've forgiven without reservation one of the individuals that abused me. He was still a child himself when it happened, was every bit a victim himself, and was simply acting out his own abuse. In a way, very similar to the situation Larry mentioned above.

There were two others. I'm not sure where my emotions lie with either of them, but I don't believe I've gone as far as forgiving them. For the most part, I just refuse to waste my time in thinking much about either of them. One is dead, and the other I'm not sure, but I understand he is still living, and in his own private hell, which is a good place for him in my opinion. (looks like I have a ways to go yet in forgiving him, huh?)

Lots of love,

John
 
Ste,

You said this:

I dont think the abuse is the key factor in survival, it is the massive guilt complex that ensues the act.
Click to expand...
I absolutely agree. Forgiveness would be not just for the abuse, but for all the consequences it brought as well. For me, the years that followed were even worse than when I was being abused. The guilt, loneliness, confusion, fear, shame - and all the time. I would wake up in the morning already thinking about it. Then the opportunities for happy and fulfilling experiences that I lost by resorting to alcohol and drugs.

All that was directly due to the abuse, but yes, I can look back and say it was even worse.

Much love,
Larry
 
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