FORGIVE????????
Jacob S
Registrant
I'm 35. When I was 20, I knew a guy (lets call him Cal) who was 35. I basically worshipped Cal. I know I had a crush on Cal. Cal was athletic, smart, read poetry, and worked as a child-advocate (meaning a lawyer who defended kids from abusive parents). Pretty much my image of a superhero.
But Cal was also incredibly homophobic, had no apparent sex drive of any sort, and not at all in touch with his pain. Cal's father had abused him severly as a child. Then, when Cal was 14, his father had a stroke that instantly changed the family dynamic. Suddenly that strong angry man became slow, soft-spoken, clumsy and (whether because of neurological reasons or because he realized he couldn't be a bully anymore) kind and doting to everyone. For all practical purposes, he became a different person.
Following the stroke, the mother got Cal heavily involved in church, where Cal learned from his youth pastor about forgiveness.
You would think that would be a good thing. Cal always talked about it like a good thing. But the problem was, Cal never really had a chance to be angry first. No one let him be angry. Who was he going to be angry at? The dottering old man in the wheel chair?
At the time I knew Cal I didn't understand that what I saw as strength was really still repression. Not of memories, but of anger. People talk about being born again. His father had literally changed. His brain was for all intents and purposes the brain of a different person. So Cal had nothing to rage at. If his father had died, he could have spat on the ground. Instead he took it all inside of him.
I broke my ties with Cal after a few years because his views about homosexuals broke my heart. So I don't really know if he's ever dealt with what I've only in the years since come to understand.
But I do know that, whether or not forgiveness is the goal, you have to go through anger. You can't go around it or duck it or expect God to lift you over it. If you try that you'll be trading repression of memory for repression of emotions. You'll still be missing out on healing because you can't get anywhere if you don't first admit where you are.
But Cal was also incredibly homophobic, had no apparent sex drive of any sort, and not at all in touch with his pain. Cal's father had abused him severly as a child. Then, when Cal was 14, his father had a stroke that instantly changed the family dynamic. Suddenly that strong angry man became slow, soft-spoken, clumsy and (whether because of neurological reasons or because he realized he couldn't be a bully anymore) kind and doting to everyone. For all practical purposes, he became a different person.
Following the stroke, the mother got Cal heavily involved in church, where Cal learned from his youth pastor about forgiveness.
You would think that would be a good thing. Cal always talked about it like a good thing. But the problem was, Cal never really had a chance to be angry first. No one let him be angry. Who was he going to be angry at? The dottering old man in the wheel chair?
At the time I knew Cal I didn't understand that what I saw as strength was really still repression. Not of memories, but of anger. People talk about being born again. His father had literally changed. His brain was for all intents and purposes the brain of a different person. So Cal had nothing to rage at. If his father had died, he could have spat on the ground. Instead he took it all inside of him.
I broke my ties with Cal after a few years because his views about homosexuals broke my heart. So I don't really know if he's ever dealt with what I've only in the years since come to understand.
But I do know that, whether or not forgiveness is the goal, you have to go through anger. You can't go around it or duck it or expect God to lift you over it. If you try that you'll be trading repression of memory for repression of emotions. You'll still be missing out on healing because you can't get anywhere if you don't first admit where you are.
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