FORGIVE????????

FORGIVE????????
shadowkid,

I do not feel you to be a bad person. You are not and perhaps never will be in the same place that others here are or will be. That does not say anything bad about you. It only says you are not in the same place they are.

I'm not saying that anyone here is doing this, but the human tendency is to believe that what works for me will work for everyone else therefore the person who doesn't do it the way I do it is wrong and is somehow less as an individual.

I've seen it happen time after time by people from every walk of life. Christian or atheist, democrat or republican, liberal or conservative, male or female, there is a certain portion of society who tries to impose their own code on their fellow travelers and it simply does not work and is wrong.

For me, the rule of thumb I use when it comes to the subject of forgiveness is to question if the feelings I'm holding regarding an individual are harming me and my walk in life. I've found that bitterness and hatred are poison to me. I hate what taxi guy did to me. I always will, but at some point in the last couple of years I let the bitterness and hatred go.

Does that mean I've forgiven him? I don't see it that way, but maybe I have. I do know that in order for me to progress any further in my recovery I had to let it go. If he were to suddenly appear in my life today I'd do what I could to get him convicted and put away for as long as possible because I believe it's my civic duty to do so. Even then, for my own good I cannot see myself bringing back the bitterness and hate into my life.

But that's me. For me to tell you that you must do the same is absurd. I may or may not believe you should, but that is not mine to say. It's yours and you will cross that bridge if and when you are ready to.

Lots of love,

John
 
Originally posted by innerstrength:
Has anyone here confronted their abuser?
Click to expand...
Not directly but I reported him to the police.
 
i have,i got what i expected from it ,nothing.i saw my abuser face to face just over a year ago,at my grans funeral ,he had just got out of prison , i avoided him as much as i could ,he walked past me leaned in close to me and whispered ,hey adam your still the best fuck i ever had ,tell me now that i need to forgive him ,and yes i put him in prison ,and yes he reoffended and is back in prison now . john thanks for understanding k?thats all i wanted from this thread ,to be understood . adam
 
Nobby - I am extremely glad that you have reported your abuser to the police and are doing things through official channels. I commend you for that, as I know personally how difficult that is.

What I don't understand is when yourself or others imply that I am in a dark place because I will not forgive. That somehow I am less of a person because of that!

My priorities in life do not take into account the pervert in my case, or any other paedophile.

This morning I have actually spent 95 minutes talking to another person, who is in the early stages of taking a paedophile stepfather to court. They are finding the experience very harrowing, as you will appreciate. That is where I think my energies should be channeled. Forgtiving any paedophile is the last thing on my list.

You may find some of my comments offensive, equally I find being told that I must forgive as extremely offensive. I have no personal grudge with you or anyone else here!

The additional question above: "Has anyone here confronted their abuser". Yes - in court, and in the street!

When I first came here, I was looking for support and understanding. Never did I once think it was a place where I would be asked/told to forgive. It that had happened on my first day here, I would have been instantly put off. I would have left this site. I may also have left the planet, because this was my last hope! Does anyone still insist that I must forgive.

As for the religious aspect, I have pointed out before, that I am not interested, and we do have a specific place for that here!

I wish you all well, in however you decide to deal with things, I just don't want to be told how I must do it!

*On a dark night, when the full moon shines, things can have so much more clarity; than they do in blinding sunlight!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
i'll never forgive them
 
Some one made the commint that Somethings cannot be forgiven .
And got a reply of WHY NOT .
If you have to ask why YOU WOULD NEVER UNDER STAND
 
Steven,

I've recently learned to not only forgive but pray for my enemies. And you know what I've learned? God's vengeance comes down on them ALOT sooner because of it - but you don't get to pray for their destruction!

Chairman201
 
May I reiterate what I said before? (I feel all alone on this one). I, on the basis of hoping I can be forgiven for hurting other people in my life in the past, have forgiven my perps. They weren't the sadistic, violent, type of perps. I actually found it rather easy to forgive them, but I STILL don't feel better about it. What's that all about?
 
Originally posted by Hauser:
May I reiterate what I said before? (I feel all alone on this one). I, on the basis of hoping I can be forgiven for hurting other people in my life in the past, have forgiven my perps. They weren't the sadistic, violent, type of perps. I actually found it rather easy to forgive them, but I STILL don't feel better about it. What's that all about?
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Hauser, you're not all alone. For a long time after I forgave my perp, I really didn't feel any differently, and I didn't see any effect in my life. Then something very good happened with another person (I can't go into details) and I realised that because of my forgiveness, some good came into the world. That was reward enough.

I think the other thing that happened is that I needed to beg someone very close to me for their forgiveness for something I had done to them. I found this a little easier after I had forgiven my perp. In fact, I think if I had not forgiven my perp, and myself, I would never have had the courage to ask my friend for their forgiveness. Maybe forgiving my perp made me humble. I really don't know and I wish I did.
 
I respect people who choose to forgive. I also respect people who feel that is not the choice for them. Quite a few times, since I have been a member here, this subject has come up, and it often becomes a battle of beliefs, and we can become quite obnoxious towards each other in defending what our belief and choice is. Forgiveness is a very personal thing, and is an individual decision. No one should feel guilted or shamed into doing it if it is not what they wish to do.

I will never forgive my father. I do not waste energy in anger toward him or hating him. I am more indifferent towards him now. But I never will forgive him. He killed my brother with his abuse. To me, in my mind and my personal ethics, that is unforgiveable.

To willingly harm someone weaker than you, knowing that you are causing harm, and to continue to do it without any seeming conscience, and to never acknowledge responsibility for your actions or remorse, to me, that strikes as someone who does not deserve forgiveness. Some will perhaps still make that choice, and power and good wishes to them. Others will not, and power and good wishes to them also.

The man who was my primary sexual abuser, he has expressed regret recently. I am suspicious of him to the extent that I wonder if it is not some devious mind f**k, which I know he (as I have known him before) is quite capable of. I do not forgive, but I pity him, because as a friend said to me once, he can not possibly have any peace in his heart and soul. I find that sad.

I choose to not forgive, at this time. Perhaps some day I will change my mind about that. But my decision deserves respect, whichever it is I choose. I am not causing any hurt or harm with not forgiving, including to myself. So to me, it is not a major issue.

Leosha
 
Originally posted by innerstrength:
Has anyone here confronted their abuser?
Click to expand...
Yes, and was laughed at, degraded, and further abused at the time.

L.
 
I just want to acknowledge all of my brothers opinions about this subject. Your opinions are very important to me and i learned alot about past expereinces from your thoughts.

For me, i forgave the perps. I hold the power now over one who is still alive. I forgave in my heart, but never expressed it verbually to him and not sure if i ever will. That is the way i see it for me, sounds sound of stange, but it works for me.

I did for me, not them. I am still fucken pissed and angry with them though. I forgave, but will never forget.

I didn't make a conscience decision to sit down and do it, at a certain time etc... It just happened one day out of the blue.

Doing this for me caused my anxiety level to diminish to a level that was manageable. I knew after i did this that i can go back to work. Was off on disability at that time. Have been back to work fulltime about 2 years now.

THought i would share my experence with you all.

H.I
 
I have been reading everyone's thoughts, responses, reactions and feelings on this subject and really appreciaite everyone's input. Through the many years since my abuse stopped and working with therapists and opening up to friends my level of "forgiveness" or lack there of has never waivered or lessened. I will never forgive my uncle. My constant focus and struggle is to forgive myself for letting it happen. Or at least that is the way my brain still to this day interprets it. Also.....and this is a really hard one, it seems that I hold huge deeply buried anger toward my parents for not protecting me. Most of my friends feel that I let them "off the hook". I do not feel anger toward them on the surface and love them dearly, but they as all of us, have shortcomings. So if that is letting them off the hook...I guess my friends are right.
Steve
 
Steven,

I feel much anger also to my parents, deep inside, for not protecting me also, but i love my parents very much.

For my situatiuon i don't show any harshness toward them. Everytime they see my struggles, they know what whey should have done, decades ago and they have to live with that mistake for the rest of their lives.

In my book that is punishment enough.

Healing Inside
 
Forgiveness is a hard thing to do . Some of us may never be able to find it in our heart. I have never ben able to find it . Some others may say that they have forgiven . but down deep have they truly forgiven ?

I see that 100 replys have ben sent to this subject ,it must of touched a nerve
 
Originally posted by OKIE MIKE:
Forgiveness is a hard thing to do . Some of us may never be able to find it in our heart. I have never ben able to find it . Some others may say that they have forgiven . but down deep have they truly forgiven ?

I see that 100 replys have ben sent to this subject ,it must of touched a nerve
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I have truly forgiven.

I was reading a story this morning about the parents of a girl, named Reena Virk, who was murdered in Canada a few years ago. She was 15 years old. A group of other kids started bullying her and then a couple of them went too far and beat her to death. It was a horrible, mindless crime and it shocked the nation.

One of Reena's killers came up for parole this past summer, and to everyone's surprise, her parents supported his parole application. Reena's mother said, "she was thankful that he had taken responsibility for his actions and expressed the hope that he would truly love and respect others for the rest of his life."
https://www.voiceonline.com/voice/060722/headline7.php

Forgiveness does not come easily, and it doesn't erase what happened in the past, but it does come. In this case, Reena Virk's parents saw past their own anguish and forgave their daughter's murderer, and at the same time they helped him gain a bit of hope for his own future. Nothing has changed about his crime, and he is still in the custody of the justice system, but by forgiving him, Reena's parents have shown that they believe in hope.

I am a survivor and a father, and I can honestly tell you that I would endure anything, even another rape, to save my child. I can't even imagine how I would live if someone killed him. Yet these people, who lost their baby to a stupid, mindless crime, were able to forgive their child's killer and help him on his way to rehabilitation.

Food for thought.
 
.people can crack under the strain of losing a child .
 
From the article that Nobbynobs put link to:

The three members of the parole board panel pointed out that he had had more than 200 escorted, temporary absences without incident and that he had shown remorse and empathy.
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I think this is something to make difference. This person is reported he have 'shown remorse and empathy'. None my abusers have shown that at all. So for why would I forgive someone who have not shown that they would not just do it again, to me or another?
 
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