Forgive me! (Leosha please read.)

Forgive me! (Leosha please read.)

Malidin41

Registrant
Hello my friends,

I am writing this thread for two reasons, the first is to apologize for a response that I had just posted recently on the thread called please don't go posted by RangerJ19. I apologize because I wrote my response directed at everyone and in hindsight I know that was not fair. That response should have only been directed toward the ones that posted high negativity toward RangerJ19. Some of the responses were appropriate and supportive. So for posting my anger toward everyone I apologize for that reason. At the time that I wrote that response I was angry because a fellow friend and victim was being pushed away and re-victimized by some of the responses made. So I responded hastily.

The other reason I am writing this thread is to tell you a little more about me and to answer the questions brought up by Leosha in his response to that post I made.

Leosha, you are right I did not read that post. I did not see what made people hear trigger so badly. If I had my way I would take all the pain on this board and send it back to hell where it came from. However as you stated while posting this question you have to realize he was asked what he did. All he was trying to do was stay honest and not hide from the mistakes he made by staying true to that honesty. True it did hurt those who read it. It did make some members very uncomfortable. And triggers were set off. Please allow me to tell you a story about this though that might shed some light in a good direction. Just recently in a group I attend a member there was talking about a sexual experience that he had and by sharing this experience it triggered another group member. At the time everyone thought it was horrible and the member that shared the experience thought he was horrible and did not want to attend group again because of how bad he felt. However later on the group member that was triggered came back and thanked the other member for sharing that sexual experience because by that triggering experience the triggered group member was able to remember certain things of his abuse experience that was causing pain in his everyday life. He said because of that experience he was able to move on and deal with some very serious issues that he could not have other wise. My point by telling this story is to show that triggers can be a good thing if they are handled properly. By the descriptions that you gave of the story I am confident that I knew enough to be able to post the things that I had with the knowledge that I had. Also I would just like to add you have made assumptions about me that are very wrong and I would like for you to stop doing so. I do not make any about you therefore I would appreciate it if you would stop making them about me. If you do not know do not assume. If you suspect or want to know something about anyone you should just come out and ask them. That way you do not cause confusion. I have never judged and never want to judge anyone hear, you clam in your post that I have. That is not my intention. I am sorry that you think I have. If I may ask what made you feel that way? You are very right when you said he was not my offender or yours and as far as we know any of the other members hear. He may not be able to answer why our perpetrators abused us but I believe he could share much more light on other questions we are seeking. I also bet he could give just as much support to all of us as you or I could. As you said I think he could be a great asset toward many things. You also asked and I quote, “Would you invite YOUR abuser here, to share in your healing process, to promote better understanding? My answer is yes if he would listen!!! God how I would love for that to happen, I would give anything for him to know how he hurt me and for him to beg for my forgiveness. I would go out of my way to see him show just one little sign of remorse and understanding to how he made me feel. You bet I would gladly want him hear so he could see fully my pain. If he would truly listen I would want him hear every day to know what he did.

You also asked, “Would you want them reading about your triggers, your flashbacks, your nightmares, your addictions, negative coping, cutting, drinking, suicidal thoughts, poor social skills, fears, loss of job opportunities, loss of relationships, psychiatric diagnoses and long term physical and mental affects of what was done to you? Would you like him, or them, to know all that about you, and know that THEY caused it? Now I answered these questions above but I just want to add wouldn't that be poetic, if he would care. The person we are talking about seemed to care and was being genuine as to why he was posting hear. I have answered your questions and hope you can do the same for me because now I have some for you. This thread is already long enough so I will post a different one to ask. I hope you will give the same courtesy as I gave you. I look forward to your reply to this and to the other thread I will post. Course I am exhausted so that thread will have to wait until tomorrow. So until then I hope you all have a great night and day.
 
I feel you did judge, me and others, with your response to ranger's thread about leaving. I don't want him here. Just seeing his name triggers me. You may also notice that I offered him a great many alternatives to this site, where he could go for the help he needs while leaving others safe. What I have done in this effort, and will continue to do, is something I could not have done as a child-victim. I am standing up and protecting myself and any other person here who is vulnerable, but you want to take that away from me, from them, in the interest of an admitted abuser.

He may not be your abuser but he may be mine. And why should I allow his presence? There are over 2600 members here, but your guess is that none of those were his victim. Maybe we should wait until he gets here and then demand that ranger leave?

Your reasoning that he should be allowed here to shed some light on why he did what he did and how and to whom, etc. is seriously flawed. I was abused by more than a half dozen different adults when I was a child, physically, emotionally, psychologically and sexually...all by the time I was 12 years old. So, using your reasoning, I should ask all of my abusers to come here to shed some light for you, because they are not your abusers??!!

You say he 'seemed genuine'. So did the teacher when he came into my bedroom at night, when I was alone, when I was 10, when I could do nothing to stop what was happening. My father seemed genuine when he told me that it hurt him more than it hurt me after he beat the hell out of me when I was six, when I could do nothing about it. So did the swim team coach who offered me a ride home one night. He also seemed VERY genuine when he told me that if I ever told anyone, he would kill my parents and then kill me. I was nine then, I can clearly see his face as he spoke those words. I couldn't do anything to stop the abuser then, but I can now, except for some strange reason, ranger has received more supportive post than I have.

To use your words in your original post to ranger with regard to him leaving....I am totally blown away and disappointed that you and others have shown him so much support over the interests and needs of your fellow survivor/victims. He is a survivor/abuser...see the difference? There are places that are intended for people like him to get help. This place is not for him, it is for me and I will continue to fight for it to be a safe place for me and for other survivor/victims. - John
 
Malidin41,

I have no reason to have animus towards you. I do not agree with things you think. You do not agree with things I think. That is fine. Agreement is not requirement here. Respect and civility is. Thank you for showing it to me, and I hope I can be same to you. I certainly will try.

I disagree, respectfully, that you did not have negative judgement toward members here, because if you hadn't, why would you need to apologize and request forgiveness?

It is very nice that person you mentioned being helped by being triggered. Of course, that was in a controlled, group therapeutic setting. Not something 'maverick' as this, where we all are reading from our livingrooms or bedrooms, sometime without professional or safe support quickly available. Well, most certainly without professional assistance on standby to help us to work through what triggers we may have. This is a different dynamic then the one you spoke of. I do feel that triggers are helpful, as they are like signposts guiding us in the direction we need to go and work on more. However, the situation I spoke of, which you admit you did not read, I do not know that was a positive experience for anyone here who DID read it. It is something that could, and should have, been dealt with by PM. And was, I know, by another member here.

If your questions will be directed at me, personally, I feel it would be more appropriate to deal in PM, as this is the public forum. I think it would rather be off-putting to have personal conversations occuring here that do not involve other members. If however you are going to post questioning that can also involve and invite response by other members here, of course I will make a point to respond. My time here has been quite limited lately, but I will do my best.

You seem to be someone capable of great compassion and desire to understand others. That is a very positive quality, and one I think I have, although perhaps in not the same generous quantity as yourself. I just hope that you can grant that understanding, or the attempt to, to everyone here, and not reserve it only for those who share your opinions.

I apologize if anything I said here is misconstrued. Everything I said, I meant politely and constructively, while attempting to maintain true to myself as well. I certainly hope I stepped on no toes, and if I did, I tread lightly.

Leosha
 
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