Forget the Calgon...Just take me away (very long)
James_dup1
Registrant
Let me start by saying thank you to all my fellow wolves. You all have been so nice to me, so supportive of me, so understanding of me. Ive been having a really hard time right now. First: I cant seem to get past the place I am right now. I cant make love to my wife without having flash backs. She is trying so hard to be understanding, but jut how much can one person take. I mean hell Im her husband for crying out loud. Its not too much to ask of her to want to be touched, hugged, and showed I love her. Ive just closed everything and everyone out, even me. I hate the night. I cant get a good night sleep; the nightmares are so bad right now. I have no idea what Im feeling. I have no idea how to even begin to express what Im feeling right now. My wife has always stood beside me. Even when I was doing drugs, cheating on her with men, lying to her about my cheating, and when I finely broke down and told her about my abuse (17 years after we got together) she has stood beside me. How much crap can one person take before they have to say I am sorry I just cant do it any more. I dont want to lose my family, but if I dont get my head on straight thats just what is going to happen. I know it. Its not fair to her to have to have someone so screwed up as a husband, shes a great woman and Im very lucky to have her. Then why do I act like I dont have anything important to lose? Why cant I see its her that wants me to touch her and not my step father when I do try. I am at my wits end with dealing with all this abuse. I just want to stop, but I cant. I have everything riding on me getting better. If I dont Ill lose everything. The one thing that has kept me alive all these years. I mean she saved my life the first night I meet her. I had plans to go home that night and put a gun in my mouth. Then I saw; for the first time; an angel straight from heaven. God sent her to me to show me they are things worth living for. Then why cant I show her how much I love her, how important she is to me? Why does my abuse over power every part of my life? Is it maybe deep down I dont want to get better? What is it? Why does she suffer my abuse? I just cant keep up the fight anymore.
Then on top of all that (like I need an ON TOP OF ALL THAT). My landlady and a neighbor are messing with me bad. They are working together to try to get me kicked out of my apartment. I cant get kicked out. We live in government housing right now, because I cant work(just one more bi-product of my step father). There is a petition going around for my other neighbors to sign to try to force management to make me move. They are saying that they have my kids on video keying cars. But no one has come to talk to us about this. No cops, no management, no owner of the car/cars that were keyed, NOTHING. I was going to the people who signed it and talking to them about it. Then I found out my landlady is going back to them telling them that all the crap that is vandalized around here my kids are doing. The neighbors that are hand delivering the petition to everyone is lying to management about us. They have gotten us two lease violations in two days. One for noise the other saying my kids were spitting out the windows onto cars. Hell my screens are screwed shut, how can anyone spit through them.
I tell you guys. I dont know how much more I can take. I feel like Im at the end of my rope. I know this feeling. And thats what scares me. The last times I had this feeling I found my self at the hospital. Either by my choice or by the kindness of the EMS crew in the city I lived in at the time. With everything going on with my abuse right now, I just dont know if I can take the crap my neighbors are giving. Ive talked to some people from my church about my neighbors. What is the advice they give me? Well you know God will never put anything in front of you cant handle. OK, fine. Maybe thats the truth. But does God have to have so much faith in me?
Im so scared right now. Im trying to do everything right. Im trying to just stay at home and not get in anyones way. Im trying to be as quite as a church mouse. Im trying to find out what living really means. Well Ill tell you, Im sick of trying. Im sick of being broken. Im sick of being sick. Im sick of being a survivor. Im sick of life pulling the rug out from under me every time I think I have a footing on it. Im sick of all the anger and no place to put it. Im sick of the feeling I have and no idea how to express them. Im sick of others lying about me and my family. Im sick pretending everything is ok. Im sick of having nightmares so bad I wake up in a puddle of piss. Im sick of smelling my step father every time I try to get close to my wife. Im just fucking sick. I want it all to stop. I want to be me(who ever the fuck that is). I just want everyone to leave me alone. Find someone else, who has the energy to fight, to fuck with. I just dont have anymore to give. Im trying very hard to keep it all together. But I feel like Im losing the war. Right now I think it would be better if I just wasnt anymore. Wasnt anything, a husband, a father, a man, a human, a survivor, a friend, a live. Where do I find more energy when my batteries are screaming NO MORE, I NEED TO RECHARGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need some time off. Some permit time off.
Then on top of all that (like I need an ON TOP OF ALL THAT). My landlady and a neighbor are messing with me bad. They are working together to try to get me kicked out of my apartment. I cant get kicked out. We live in government housing right now, because I cant work(just one more bi-product of my step father). There is a petition going around for my other neighbors to sign to try to force management to make me move. They are saying that they have my kids on video keying cars. But no one has come to talk to us about this. No cops, no management, no owner of the car/cars that were keyed, NOTHING. I was going to the people who signed it and talking to them about it. Then I found out my landlady is going back to them telling them that all the crap that is vandalized around here my kids are doing. The neighbors that are hand delivering the petition to everyone is lying to management about us. They have gotten us two lease violations in two days. One for noise the other saying my kids were spitting out the windows onto cars. Hell my screens are screwed shut, how can anyone spit through them.
I tell you guys. I dont know how much more I can take. I feel like Im at the end of my rope. I know this feeling. And thats what scares me. The last times I had this feeling I found my self at the hospital. Either by my choice or by the kindness of the EMS crew in the city I lived in at the time. With everything going on with my abuse right now, I just dont know if I can take the crap my neighbors are giving. Ive talked to some people from my church about my neighbors. What is the advice they give me? Well you know God will never put anything in front of you cant handle. OK, fine. Maybe thats the truth. But does God have to have so much faith in me?
Im so scared right now. Im trying to do everything right. Im trying to just stay at home and not get in anyones way. Im trying to be as quite as a church mouse. Im trying to find out what living really means. Well Ill tell you, Im sick of trying. Im sick of being broken. Im sick of being sick. Im sick of being a survivor. Im sick of life pulling the rug out from under me every time I think I have a footing on it. Im sick of all the anger and no place to put it. Im sick of the feeling I have and no idea how to express them. Im sick of others lying about me and my family. Im sick pretending everything is ok. Im sick of having nightmares so bad I wake up in a puddle of piss. Im sick of smelling my step father every time I try to get close to my wife. Im just fucking sick. I want it all to stop. I want to be me(who ever the fuck that is). I just want everyone to leave me alone. Find someone else, who has the energy to fight, to fuck with. I just dont have anymore to give. Im trying very hard to keep it all together. But I feel like Im losing the war. Right now I think it would be better if I just wasnt anymore. Wasnt anything, a husband, a father, a man, a human, a survivor, a friend, a live. Where do I find more energy when my batteries are screaming NO MORE, I NEED TO RECHARGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need some time off. Some permit time off.
