Foregivness

[Kieran1]

I have not posted for a few days,but thought I would just talk about some of my feelings and experiences since my last post. I had a session with my therapist yesterday which was quite a rough one for me. We had a long talk about my family life when I was a boy,how I was raised,how much love and affection I received from my parents,their expectations of me,how they thought I measured up to those expectations. I talked about how I felt about living in the shadow of my big brother who was the big achiever in my family,and how my parents seemed to single out his triumphs before me and remind me of how I should be able to attain "the standard"! No, I wasn't the brightest kid on the block,and I knew it.I now I am an introvert and could not seem to "open-up" and explain my true feelings,keeping so much inside.Self-torture I called it. That,coupled with being somewhat shy and naive(I guess they go together?)I have not let that little boy forgive himself.It tears me apart inside that after all these years I still cannot let go and tell myself that! I cried a lot at the session,but my therapist said that I am doing good work,at least by getting to the point where I stand at the edge,or the point where I can forgive myself.I spent most of last nite curled up in a ball on the bed,with my wife at my side.A rough nite,tears from both of us. I told my therapist that in the last week I have had times when I really wanted to be alone,to think,to let myself go,let out negative thoughts,which he said was good to do,all of us need that time.I still felt kind of lonely though. He said it was certainly OK to do this,all of us need time away from reality.At the end of our session he asked if I could bring a picture of myself when I was 12. We are going to put it on another chair across from me and I am going to be the grown-up Kieran and the picture in the empty chair will be me at 12.I am then going to start talking to that little boy and work through the forgiveness issues.He called it Gesalt therapy. I really don't know if I can do this,it honestly scares me! Like being in a time machine.Can I face that young Kieran? I honestly don't know.

 

[Lloydy]

Kieran
My brother is 8 years older than me, and the brains of the outfit. What you've just said applies to me perfectly, I lived in the shadow as far as my parents were concerned - still do !
And it just added to all the shit I felt about myself.

He went to live in Canada when I was still at school and being abused, I was living a shit life there and he was leaving as well. Boy, was I ever confused.
Even though I was being compared ( badly ) to him all the time I worshiped him because he was such a perfect person, he must have been - I was being told that all the time.
Despite our age difference we got on fine, although we didn't see that much ofeach other as kids.

When he left I rarely wrote letters and actually saw him more than I wrote him when he came home every three years or so, and that's how it carried on untill about about 7 or 8 years ago when he had depression.

The odd thing was he turned to me as well as his immediate family, and we grew real close. And we still are, I confide in him as well, we trust each other.

The point I'm trying to make is that it isn't the fault of either of us for putting me in a vulnerable position by putting me down and constantly comparing my under-achievements to his achievements. That was the fault of our parents, not through any planned campaign of making me feel bad, just a misguided attempt to make me do better.

I've only recently, after he turned to me for help, figured out that I have no reason to despise him or blame him, and I know how easy that would have been for me. I was lucky that I had developed nothing more than indifference towards him. W edo a lot of catching up now.

The Gestalt therapy is powerful stuff, I haven't experienced it myself but I have seen video of it as part of my Counselling course.
I would really like to try it though, let us know how you get on if you dont mind sharing it.
And young Kieran will be alright I'm sure, he's got you to care for him.

Good luck with it.
Dave

 

[Wuamei]

Kieran:

We've had a couple of extended threads about forgiveness here lately; not necessarily self-forgiveness only, but I think you'll find a lot on that and a lot that applies. Here are some thread links you can go to:

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001323#000004

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001337#000001

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001335#000007

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001330#000015

Kieran, I recently had "A Major Breakthrough" via Gestalt (or "Two Chair") therapy. You can read the thread about that at:

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001168#000000

Hope these help.

Victor

 

[moo2]

Kieran 1,
You have to at least try it. Talking with your younger self is an absolute have to eventually. Keep faith + you can do it. Have trust in your T. Try to heal if only for your wife.I hope this has been an encouragement for you.
WITH MUCH LOVE,
Kim

 

[cog]

Kieran,

I am rootin' for ya. Please keep us posted. The fact that you can talk about it openly shows you have courage. Every little bit helps.

 

[Troy]

Kieran...I believe you are moving in the right direction. The Gesalt therapy may seem odd to you, but I think it will serve a higher purpose. And as Dave pointed out, 'young Kieran will be alright I'm sure, he's got you to care for him'.

Forgiveness is such an odd thing too. So many people talk about it, religion preaches it selectively and the word itself has almost become an icon. The real skinny on forgiveness is this: it happens first within us. That's a hard one, huh? I know it is for most of us in the world!! After reading your note, it sounds to me like you may have been hiding from certain issues for many years...and it is time to face them. This may not mean telling anyone but your therapist about it, but it does mean talking about it. Just saying the truth out loud can set us on a path to freedom from the burdens of pain we tend to carry with us.

Here's the deal. You're a special guy. There is not anybody like you. You've been many places and have done many things. The people who know and love you realize that Kieran is a special man. If you are scared, it's ok. Heck, we're all scared. But you can face this and move on. This is a process and will take time...life's a journy. Good luck and let the boy within you share himself.