For the Very First Time
Some of you know that I've been struggling with making friends. I'm unable to feel intimacy or closeness with another without polluting it with sexuality. As a consequence, I have no idea how to make platonic friendships. I live a painfully lonely existance as a consequence.
Been trying since I was 11 to learn how. So far, have failed spectacularly. I'm a total idiot for not being able to overcome this. I don't know what it is that I'm missing. But I am missing out on EVERYTHING GOOD THAT LIFE HAS TO OFFER. Friends, family, children, love, romance, closeness. All of that.
I've been a member of an improv troupe for over a year now, as a tool to try and learn and comprehend what I'm missing. There's strong scientific evidence that participating in improvisation changes brain characteristics and encourages it to become more plastic; as forms of play and experiences are experienced, the brain responds by making new connections.
Over this past year, I've watched many friendships form and blossom in my troupe, and in the improv community in which the troupe was formed. It's been very painful to witness. It's caused incomprehensible demoralization for me as well - why am I so dense that I can't comprehend what is happening with all these people forming friendships? Why can't I learn how to do this?
This past week, we had yet another show (one show every month). And, usually, I feel really nervous and isolated and alone when trying to muster up the excitement and energy before getting on stage. But something different happend this time.
It became obvious that everyone was feeling connected to each other, feeling supportive. Even love. Every member of the troupe had a look of love and acceptance in their eyes as we all looked at each other and hugged each other, and encouraged each other to just let go and be and have fun, and encouraging each other to trust each other. "I got your back" is our group mantra. We say it to each other with a hug before every show.
I felt connected to all of them. As a group. As an entity. I felt trust, and felt like I could get on that stage and wait with excitement to see what is created on the stage. Without a script, improvisation forces each of us to be constantly aware and present and on the ready to contribute whatever pops into our head spontaneously.
And that's what I did for our 30 minute set. And there was a LOT of laughter from the audience, and from my troupe mates. I was floored by what I saw my troupe mates perform on stage, and loved every minute of creation. Applauding and feeling inspired, and feeling love for each and every member. Proud of what we were doing together on stage, and making eye contarct with members on the other side of stage while 2 others were on stage doing an improvised scene for the audience.
We had a spectacular show. I delivered some really funny lines, and ended the show with a hilarious side splitting gesture. I was so proud of the set we did, and equally proud of what I accomplished with them on stage.
But the biggest thing for me was that feeling of connection, of trust, of love. Accpetance. We were all beaming and thrilled after the set, and we all walked out of the theater space feeling such power and joy. We looked at each other with joy, trust, and saw the beautiful set we'd all accomplished together, and I could FEEL the love and the acceptance emanating from everyone.
I've *never* felt anything like that in my life before. It was wondrous, beautiful. And there are pangs of pain that come along with it. I wonder if this is what firendship feels like? Is this what a circle of friends feels like: To be accepted without the suspicion and feeling of being excluded or missing out? Is this what unconditional acceptance feels like?
Been trying since I was 11 to learn how. So far, have failed spectacularly. I'm a total idiot for not being able to overcome this. I don't know what it is that I'm missing. But I am missing out on EVERYTHING GOOD THAT LIFE HAS TO OFFER. Friends, family, children, love, romance, closeness. All of that.
I've been a member of an improv troupe for over a year now, as a tool to try and learn and comprehend what I'm missing. There's strong scientific evidence that participating in improvisation changes brain characteristics and encourages it to become more plastic; as forms of play and experiences are experienced, the brain responds by making new connections.
Over this past year, I've watched many friendships form and blossom in my troupe, and in the improv community in which the troupe was formed. It's been very painful to witness. It's caused incomprehensible demoralization for me as well - why am I so dense that I can't comprehend what is happening with all these people forming friendships? Why can't I learn how to do this?
This past week, we had yet another show (one show every month). And, usually, I feel really nervous and isolated and alone when trying to muster up the excitement and energy before getting on stage. But something different happend this time.
It became obvious that everyone was feeling connected to each other, feeling supportive. Even love. Every member of the troupe had a look of love and acceptance in their eyes as we all looked at each other and hugged each other, and encouraged each other to just let go and be and have fun, and encouraging each other to trust each other. "I got your back" is our group mantra. We say it to each other with a hug before every show.
I felt connected to all of them. As a group. As an entity. I felt trust, and felt like I could get on that stage and wait with excitement to see what is created on the stage. Without a script, improvisation forces each of us to be constantly aware and present and on the ready to contribute whatever pops into our head spontaneously.
And that's what I did for our 30 minute set. And there was a LOT of laughter from the audience, and from my troupe mates. I was floored by what I saw my troupe mates perform on stage, and loved every minute of creation. Applauding and feeling inspired, and feeling love for each and every member. Proud of what we were doing together on stage, and making eye contarct with members on the other side of stage while 2 others were on stage doing an improvised scene for the audience.
We had a spectacular show. I delivered some really funny lines, and ended the show with a hilarious side splitting gesture. I was so proud of the set we did, and equally proud of what I accomplished with them on stage.
But the biggest thing for me was that feeling of connection, of trust, of love. Accpetance. We were all beaming and thrilled after the set, and we all walked out of the theater space feeling such power and joy. We looked at each other with joy, trust, and saw the beautiful set we'd all accomplished together, and I could FEEL the love and the acceptance emanating from everyone.
I've *never* felt anything like that in my life before. It was wondrous, beautiful. And there are pangs of pain that come along with it. I wonder if this is what firendship feels like? Is this what a circle of friends feels like: To be accepted without the suspicion and feeling of being excluded or missing out? Is this what unconditional acceptance feels like?
