For better or for worse...
Hi Everyone. ( I'm new to message boards so forgive me if i'm ignorant of protocol and such)
On April 24th, I discovered that my husband of 5 years was having a telephone relationship with another woman the past 2 years. When I confronted him, he told me she was someone with whom he developed a friendship over the phone with at his job (past). She worked in another office in a different part of the country. He never met her. While he was spilling all of this, the dam completely burst when he blurted out that he had been SA by a neighbor for 4 years when he was a child. I was completely overwhelmed by all of this. Between the relationship with this other woman, and the abuse, i felt my life was shattered. But while this drama was unfolding, my own pain and devastation was eclipsed only by the profound pain that my husband had bore for 37 years of his life that was now spilling out before me. His weeping and total sense of worthlessness, shame, exposure... made me completely put aside my own pain and i wept with him and for him. I never before felt such an tremendous feeling of love and compassion as i did at that moment. There was no question in my mind that i would rededicate myself to him not only as his wife but as his best friend. someone whom he could completely trust, who would never take advantage of him, or let him down or abandon him. He needed me more at that moment than ever before. I know many people would think i was crazy or foolish, but i knew for sure that this man needed an ally desperately. I adore him and want him to see in himself all the beauty and worth that i see in him. He is attending his 2nd therapy session tommorrow. I pray for him every day that he can heal and find peace within himself. I will love and support him always. I have read some of the other posts with partners questioning whether to stay or go. I can only say to think long and hard before deciding to go. think of what your responsibility is to that person/relationship and what they have suffered. ie, the mistrust, loneliness, isolation. unless you're asked to leave, i don't recommend it. they probably need your love and support now, more than ever. As a footnote with regard to frienship with the other woman, he explained it like this. That she was an anonymous person with whom he could dump all his own negative feelings, moods, etc on, while preserving the perfection he felt he had with me. That he didn't want to damage our marriage by letting me see the "dark side". After our initial meeting with our/his therapist this type of behavior was confirmed as a typical sa survivor behavior, hiding the bad, ugly evil, perverse etc and only showing what is perceived as good and acceptable.
Thank you for reading this. It means so much to have others care. Good luck and Godspeed to all of you. i will continue to read your posts.
jg
On April 24th, I discovered that my husband of 5 years was having a telephone relationship with another woman the past 2 years. When I confronted him, he told me she was someone with whom he developed a friendship over the phone with at his job (past). She worked in another office in a different part of the country. He never met her. While he was spilling all of this, the dam completely burst when he blurted out that he had been SA by a neighbor for 4 years when he was a child. I was completely overwhelmed by all of this. Between the relationship with this other woman, and the abuse, i felt my life was shattered. But while this drama was unfolding, my own pain and devastation was eclipsed only by the profound pain that my husband had bore for 37 years of his life that was now spilling out before me. His weeping and total sense of worthlessness, shame, exposure... made me completely put aside my own pain and i wept with him and for him. I never before felt such an tremendous feeling of love and compassion as i did at that moment. There was no question in my mind that i would rededicate myself to him not only as his wife but as his best friend. someone whom he could completely trust, who would never take advantage of him, or let him down or abandon him. He needed me more at that moment than ever before. I know many people would think i was crazy or foolish, but i knew for sure that this man needed an ally desperately. I adore him and want him to see in himself all the beauty and worth that i see in him. He is attending his 2nd therapy session tommorrow. I pray for him every day that he can heal and find peace within himself. I will love and support him always. I have read some of the other posts with partners questioning whether to stay or go. I can only say to think long and hard before deciding to go. think of what your responsibility is to that person/relationship and what they have suffered. ie, the mistrust, loneliness, isolation. unless you're asked to leave, i don't recommend it. they probably need your love and support now, more than ever. As a footnote with regard to frienship with the other woman, he explained it like this. That she was an anonymous person with whom he could dump all his own negative feelings, moods, etc on, while preserving the perfection he felt he had with me. That he didn't want to damage our marriage by letting me see the "dark side". After our initial meeting with our/his therapist this type of behavior was confirmed as a typical sa survivor behavior, hiding the bad, ugly evil, perverse etc and only showing what is perceived as good and acceptable.
Thank you for reading this. It means so much to have others care. Good luck and Godspeed to all of you. i will continue to read your posts.
jg
