Food for Thought: How to be a good listener

[sophiesdad]

Dear Family and Friends:
While answering a PM from another member, I was reminded by some training that I learned while I was in my college years that has proven invaluable when listening to someone in need. I'll use a story to make my point.

My grandmother was about the only stable force in my childhood. She was a sweet, giving, quiet and loving individual amidst a completely dysfunctional family. As she got older, she was once hospitalized for an illness.

At that time, I was about 23 and had returned from college to visit her in the hospital with the rest of the family. For the 2 hours that we were all in the room, everyone else was busy watching tv, talking and arguing with each other or walking in and out of the room. I, on the other hand, was the only one who sat on her bed holding her hand and asking her how she was feeling, if she needed anything or just listening to whatever she had to say. For that 2 hours, SHE was the most important person in that room.

Now, I'm not trying to paint myself as some wonderful saint... the point that I'm trying to make is that, if you are ever in a situation where a loved one needs you who is dealing with SA (or anything else for that matter), try to remember to be 100% present for that person. Try to get out of your head deciding what your responses will be. Remember that the person sitting in front of you is the most important person in the world at that time. Nothing else matters - all distractions like phones ringing are ignored.

It will go a long way in making the person feel important and his/her feelings and thoughts validated.

I hope that sharing this helps folks who are family and friends of us who were SA as children. When we were little, we were constantly overpowered by our abusers and felt that we had no voice or power over our situation. When someone is just THERE for us when we're in need, and they are lending a sympathetic ear, it is so helpful in letting go of many hurts. I, for one, don't expect any sage words of wisdom... I just need someone to listen and, if I ask them, to be a sounding board for what I am feeling.

Thanks for listening,

Sophiesdad

 

[healing_inside]

Sophiesdad,

Good thing to remember. Glad you brought it up.

 

[velvet]

really really nice post.. thank you.

Some times there is more than one person in the room though that could use all your attention and love.. and since you don't want to choose or whatever it can be pretty hard. Plus you have to remain your own sanity because if you let it get to you too much you won't be of no use to anyone anymore. And what if you live on the other side of the planet.. and can't even hold someones hands when you really really want to?

*sigh*

sorry.. feeling a bit blue.

 

[SAR]

sophiesdad

Thanks for giving such a beautiful picture of what listening can be and why it is so important.

It is easy to want to "do" for someone who is hurting-- there were many times that I had the sense that listening was not enough or not really something I was "doing"... but that was before I knew what listening was I think. Actually it is not an easy thing to do.

I think that sense of "listening is not enough" is the beginning of a fear and the eventual acceptance of the idea that nothing I can do will ever really be enough to take away my loved one's pain. It was also a fear that I would not be asked to listen-- a fear of losing control over the situation, of having to do something on someone else's (the talker's) terms.

I had to realize-- while listening can't cure someone-- that's because *I* can't cure someone. While waiting for someone to talk to me is out of my control-- the situation is out of my control. I find it easier to keep sane and useful when I insist on reasonable expectations for myself.