follow up from "projection"

[fhorns]

My wife is discouraged. She has fun. I don't. I take revenge on my mother via her because she is the only female around that doesn't assault back vigorously. She thinks I will be stuck like this forever. I have been in and out of counselling for years. The "answer" from counselors has always been logical, but I scream, holler, bitch inside, and it comes back at her. I know that she is not my perpretrator, but knowing doesn't give me happiness. She is discouraged, and she wants to know if there is anyone who has or is going through the same thing. I don't even know exactly how she feels, but she can share it. I have to leave this forum alone, and I have to, because all I want to do is bitch and fight with her. She asked me to post this. I am done with thispost and this single forum. She will be back to reply
She also said she wants to be a part of our marriage again.

fhorns

 

[roadrunner]

fhorns,

I can tell your wife that one of the crucial moments for me was the day I was arguing with my wife and she broke down in tears and told me: "Whatever it is that's bothering you, it's not my fault." Talk about a wake-up call!

This was not a sudden moment of clarity for me, but it did make me determined to figure out what was wrong. Now I look back and feel very embarrassed and ashamed at many things I said, did, and just did not see. I'm not trying to use abuse as an excuse; I accept responsibility for my own contribution to our problems. But I will say that I think it's very common for survivors to just fail to SEE what is happening. Quite often it takes a huge crisis to jolt us badly enough to take decisive action. And even then, doing the work required to recover is just extremely difficult and emotionally exhausting.

Much love,
Larry

 

[Trish4850]

Mmmm, discouraged, frustrated, angry, hurt, confused, wants to scream at the world and tear the paint off the walls.....yup I get that.

You say youve been in counseling for years - do you feel any better? Any different? If the answer is no, maybe its time for a new counselor. I say this only because after years, there should be something that both you and your wife can see and hold on to that says, OK, were moving forward.

Quite frankly thats all I need, just to know that we are moving forward. Just this morning, I had a conversation with my b/f and asked him what he meant last night when he said he told his counselor he thought we were falling apart because he wasnt giving me what I needed. The conversation itself doesnt matter to this thread, but the fact that we had it does. {it worked out quite well by the way} I reminded him that as recently as 30 days ago, we could not have had such a conversation first thing in the morning, him stone cold sober, over coffee. I was pretty damn happy with that and once I pointed it out and he acknowledged that it was true, so was he. And on we go to the next step, whatever that may be.

Any partner needs to see that he/she is not simply a fixture in your house. They NEED to see results, big or small doesnt really matter, as long as they are steps in the right direction. We cant take those steps alone and we dont expect you to either. If you stumble, well be there, but you have to walk.

Im not saying youre not trying, really, Im not, I dont even think it, but maybe the T youre counting on to help you through just isnt working for you.

Just a thought.

ROCK ON.......Trish