flying blind ... but still flying
flying blind ... but still flying
- Thread starterselene
- Start date
Brokenhearted
Registrant
Selene, I am envious of the position you are in, yes, envious, b/c at least your husband is on the road to wellness. At least he has acknowledged the abuse and talked to you about it. I am envious b/c your husband is already starting to feel relieve that all the crap is coming out and he is feeling lighter. I want that for my own husband so much. Good luck in finding a therapist experienced in male sexual abuse.
Selene, you are amazing!
I wish I could have been as 'in charge' of our situation as you are with yours. I am only just beginning to get a grip on the things which are really not ok for me, sexually that is, and feel that if I'd realised these things sooner, validated them and had a little more power, it could have saved us much confusion. It sounds like you have a deep understanding of what true intimacy is.....and you're really taking care and loving your husband in the kindest way possible.
Shortly after my bf disclosed to me about the teacher and all the acting out stuff had come out, I was terrified he might end up getting himself hurt and epxressed my concern for his safety and self control. These are important emotions to express aren't they? When you love someone, you don't want them to be lost, putting themselves in risky situations, repeating negative patterns. You want to love them like you would love your child. That's what I did with my bf for a fair while, till he went for therapy, then he didn't want that anymore.
With your caring, empathetic love, your husband will be safe and how that must feel for him right now, after disclosing so many truths to you must be worth more than any word could express.
It is true, that to be able to begin to express intimate love in a none sexual way, with your partner not becoming tense, but accepting and maybe even enjoying it, is something which has been wonderful for us too. I've just done small things, like the eskimo type kiss etc, and he's been ok with it! It's funny, cause over the years, I must have picked up on all the subtle signs of him not liking these things and I stopped doing all of them........when I think how sad both of us must actually have been, it breaks my heart. But, looking forward and working towards the joy we're all entitled to.....
peace
Beccy
I wish I could have been as 'in charge' of our situation as you are with yours. I am only just beginning to get a grip on the things which are really not ok for me, sexually that is, and feel that if I'd realised these things sooner, validated them and had a little more power, it could have saved us much confusion. It sounds like you have a deep understanding of what true intimacy is.....and you're really taking care and loving your husband in the kindest way possible.
Shortly after my bf disclosed to me about the teacher and all the acting out stuff had come out, I was terrified he might end up getting himself hurt and epxressed my concern for his safety and self control. These are important emotions to express aren't they? When you love someone, you don't want them to be lost, putting themselves in risky situations, repeating negative patterns. You want to love them like you would love your child. That's what I did with my bf for a fair while, till he went for therapy, then he didn't want that anymore.
With your caring, empathetic love, your husband will be safe and how that must feel for him right now, after disclosing so many truths to you must be worth more than any word could express.
It is true, that to be able to begin to express intimate love in a none sexual way, with your partner not becoming tense, but accepting and maybe even enjoying it, is something which has been wonderful for us too. I've just done small things, like the eskimo type kiss etc, and he's been ok with it! It's funny, cause over the years, I must have picked up on all the subtle signs of him not liking these things and I stopped doing all of them........when I think how sad both of us must actually have been, it breaks my heart. But, looking forward and working towards the joy we're all entitled to.....
peace
Beccy
Selene
normally I would disagree with this, I would always advocate that the survivor has to do the work "their own way, at their own speed"
Phrases such as "I was taking control" are not ones survivors want to read or hear, our abuse was all about "control" and we are now suffering the effects of it as adults.
But then I read it over a few times and I think what you're saying is actually what my wife did.
It's not excercising control over your husband but over the environment that you BOTH find yourself in?
When I disclosed my abuse after 25 years of marriage she was already in control of much of 'our' lives. She did the organizing, looked after the money and basically everything that required some degree of responsibility. I did the practical stuff.
How we had arrived at this I don't know, it just happened, but I was terribly erratic and disorganised and she was the opposite, so I guess it was natural.
But when I disclosed she really did take over and relieve me of everything, and this was to allow me to deal with my 'new problems'.
What she did, and I believe you're doing, is creating an environment that allows us to focus on our issues.
Today I take equal share in what we do, but back then I couldn't have coped.
The whole issue of control and survivors is a long and deep one, it's something we've covered many times before. And talking about it again is always a good thing.
I'm not being critical, but very often the choice of words and phrases can make a big difference in how we as survivors perceive things to, and about, us.
Take care
Dave
